The year is almost over

And I don't have a whole lot to show for it. It's been a whirlwind for sure, but I feel like I've accomplished so little. Not that I set out to make a list of accomplishments to achieve or anything, but I just feel like time's slipping away and life is passing me by.

I cried myself to sleep again last night. Michelle texted me that she had a fabulous time shopping and spending her Christmas money and gift cards, got her ears pierced again, and I just felt...empty. I miss having her around. When she's home she's not even around. I just don't know what else to do to change that either. Eric asked "What's wrong NOW?" and all I could reply to him was: "nothing". I'm a horrible liar too. But he just wouldn't understand, I'm done trying to make him see what I'm going through.

I'm at work now, and should be doing...work. All I feel like doing is crying though, which makes it hard to be upbeat, energized, and inspirational at work. My employees are all "what's in it for me" and not taking responsiblity for their own jobs lately. Price of being under staffed and overworked and I can't do a thing about any of that either.

Deadlines are looming, meetings upcoming, pressure and tension mounting everywhere I turn. The one safe haven I had was home, and now even that's a big ball of stress waiting to crush me like the boulder in that Indiana Jones movie...

I need to make a list of things I want to accomplish in the coming year before the new year hits. I need to do something...inspirational to myself. Something meaningful and worthwhile. Something that makes me happy. I just have no clue what on earth that would be... =/

One day at a time...

It's all I can do. From here on out. Take every day, one day at a time. I can't worry about tomorrow...today has enough to deal with on its own!

Yesterday, is in the past. So why do I still feel angry? Why can't I let things just...go?

This is going to be a constant struggle and uphill battle and I'm honestly not sure our marriage is going to survive having his daughter with us. And I'm scared. I love him, and don't want to be without him, but I can't see myself being miserable for the rest of my life either. I love her like my own, but she continually does things that infuriate me. He sees it, and does nothing. Worse, he often blames ME for HER poor behavior instead of correcting her. You know, I'm too controlling...I'm overreacting...I'm anything that allows him to dismiss her purposeful disrespect.

Her way of doing things, doesn't work and then I'm left to deal with the aftermath. He wants to give her freedoms that he absolutely won't even THINK about giving my two kids. The imbalance is too much for me to take anymore. I told him the whole situation worried me (her coming back) because I didn't want things to be how they were...we're not starting off all that great. *sigh*

It's official

Looks like Stephanie will be headed back her to live with us again. After returning to Las Vegas to live with her Mom, Steph ended up in the hospital 3 times and in counselling as well. Apparently her Mom just can't handle her and managing her illness...so we get to. Which really is fine. I just hope HU and I can keep the situation from coming between us.

It's been quite nice not having her around and having to deal with her attitude and lies. I hope thing have/will change when she comes back.

Fresh start, new era. Here we go...I'm as ready as I'm going to be...

Things to be thankful for

~ A wonderful family
~ Fun conversations
~ Great food
~ A new phone for Eric, which leads to my mom getting his old phone, which leads to her FINALLY beginning to text! o.O
~ Michelle's recovery (still a struggle each day, but she's doing better day by day)
~ John discovering Michelle's hamster passed away. We were able to clean everything up before she got home from the parade downtown (she plays clarinet in the high school's marching band)
~ Everyone pitching in and really having a great time today
~ Seeing my sister and brother-in-law ...I miss them alot, thank goodness Farmville keeps me and my sis connected! ;)
~ Seeing BOTH of my nephews today...been awhile since that happened!

All in all, one of THE best Thanksgiving days...EVER! <3

Good stuff!

So I was talking to my good friend Gwynn the other day about my blog here. I admit this place had become my safe haven to let spew forth the most dark places I have been this year so far. And thank God I had this (and thank you, dear readers, for putting up with my rantings), for it has kept me sane during my moments of hopelessness and insanity.

And now for something completely different: Good stuff!

As much as I have ranted about HU, he really is a sweet and good man. Selfish at times? Sure. But also caring and wonderful at times too. Too often I focus on the negative and it overshadows the good so much that I temporarily lose sight of it. Just this past weekend, HU took John around for two hours to attach plastic bags to folks' doors to collect cans for Boy Scouts to give to food pantries in the area. I had to work. There was a time before that he wouldn't have been willing to do this task for me, but he's really trying to help out. I can see it. And I'm thankful to have him and his willingness now to help out. He's started paying for more things lately: dinners out, AT&T Uverse bill (he wanted to change from dish network that he used to pay for), got a $50 used monitor for the kids' computer just this eve. He's stopped spending so much on himself and his hobbies and has begun to help out with expenses here more. (he still does spend some on his stuff, but that's ok as long as he's helping at home too!) I think part of this change is having his daughter now living with her mom instead of here. As awful as it sounds, I think it may have something to do with some of it. No extra expenses for school, fundraisers, clothes, stuff that she "wants" but doesn't need but gets anyway, etc that came when she was living here. Not to say that's the entire reason for this new attitude in helping out, but I do sometimes think perhaps his focus is a bit more on the family as a whole and not just on Steph anymore.

John's really enjoying Scouts...and I'm REALLY glad. He needs the social interaction, and learning some lifeskills will be a plus for him as well! I hope he sticks with it for some time to come!

Michelle's going through her first big break up, but doing ok. Hit some very rough patches, but I'm thankful that we have some time together again. (is that bad of me??) I missed spending time with her...just sorry she has to go through so much pain so that she and I can get some time together. Her next boyfriend will NOT consume her life like this one did.

Job's going ok...though frustrating, I'm thankful to have a decent job.

More positive blogging coming soon! For now, sleep must come...

Pain

It's more than just an awesome song by Three Days Grace...

My daughter is going through yet another break up with her boyfriend. The same kid that she's been "going out with" since last year. This is breakup #3 for them and I just want her pain to go away.

She's a very emotional girl (wonder where she gets THAT from *whistles innocently*) and this may send her in a downward spiral that I don't want to even think about. Thankfully, her therapist appointment is on Wed, so I am hoping she can help her through the parts that I can't.

I want so bad to tell her it doesn't matter, that she'll experience love again...next time with someone who's better for her, etc. He was a decent boy, a bit controlling and overprotective, but a 4.3 GPA Eagle Scout with aspirations. Everything happens for a reason I told her. And I truly believe this! I don't think this boy was right for her, but she could do a whole lot worse. I'm just praying that she finds herself before she finds another boy. I keep telling her that a boy can't make her whole, but there's a void in her heart left there that she WILL try to fill...that scares me. And...this is after all, high school. They could be back together again before the day is over. =/ I hope they take a LONG break from each other and really figure out what's going on in their relationship...too serious too soon is my guess. Oh how I wish I could take this pain away from her...

Today will be a long day again...I feel like crap and there's only 3 of us in the office today. Good times...

More expenses...

HU still hasn't closed the pool down for the season. He's doing it now. He left the seasonal cover outside all summer and some random plant grew through it and punctured it. New one was $100 bucks. *sigh* He can't find the vaccuum cleaner head attachment and got a new one. Had to get more chemicals as well to shut it down. More than $240 expense just to shut the damn thing down! I didn't go with him to the store, somehow he bought all supplies. I guess it's all that overtime money. /shrug

I just can't put anything more on my credit card right now. I *almost* bought tickets to a concert, but didn't. Just don't have the money. =/ Which really sucks. I'm 40, make a good salary, and can't even afford a few $30 concert tickets.

The roller coaster of emotions in the home is more than I can bear. HU and I haven't talked all week more than a few words, and those weren't very fun conversations either. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm just tired. This doesn't feel "right" anymore and I am at a loss. I think I'm just depressed about the money situation more than anything. I hope that's all that it is...

Not the best of days...what else is new

Sunday night HU and I got into a fight about, of all things, a picture I put up of my daughter and her boyfriend. Prom pic, SUPER nice pic of her, and I don't have many. HE didn't want it in the frame I put it in beacuse that was supposed to be for OUR kids and the boyfriend isn't OUR kid. Not part of our family. Whatever. HU doesn't like the boy because he (unknowingly on speaker phone one night while talking to my daughter) said "F.U." when he could hear HU in the background telling my daughter to get off the phone if they were just going to play around. Naturally, that's REALLY disrespectful of the boyfriend to say, but he's a KID. Haven't you ever said stupid things you wish you could take back!?? I know I have. *sigh* So...he's not welcome in our home, I can't put pictures of my daughter up if he's in them, and the tension goes on and on. It, quite frankly, sucks.

Well when we got into it Sunday night, I lost it. JUST LOST IT. I told HU he could take a long walk off a short pier if he thinks he's going to tell me what pictures of MY daughter I can and cannot display in my own home. Naturally, *I'M* the selfish one, given I know how he feels about this boy and I put it up anyway...I was just doing it to pick a fight. (yeah, right... like I need ANYMORE stress and aggrevation in my life?!? I think not... *sigh*)

Final compromise: I will put their prom pic in a different frame and replace with individual pics of OUR THREE KIDS only in the "tree" frame that's up there now. That's not good enough for him though... he decided that I should "display" it somewhere in HER room, where HE feels it's more appropriate. A lotta good that does ME...I'd never see it then. Course he never will either...which is his whole idea.

I've a right mind to display it at my computer desk where he has to walk by EVERY DAY to get to his own computer! >.< He just infuriates me some days.

I'm strapped for cash, he's spending like mad. I have two kids to support, he's not even PAYING child support to his ex right now and is SUPPOSED to be saving for airfare for when his daughter comes back to visit. Somehow, her plane ticket got put on my charge with the "promise" he would pay it. Haven't seen the $260 yet, but he does have $150 saved. I don't have enough for groceries and household bills, he's out buying computer parts and RC helicopter parts, new monitors and more "ghosthunting" supplies. I broke down crying this morning when he said he was going to the ATM to get money to buy "cookies" at work today for charity. You buy a cookie and give it to a co-worker who's done nice things or needs to be recognized. Here we go again...co-workers laying claim to his money taking precedence over needed supplies and items at home. I'm just sick of it and don't know what to do. I feel so trapped. I seriously can't get a part time job due to working full time already and having to take kids everywhere, but definitely need one. He's working TONS of overtime (about 8-10 hours a week) and not helping anymore than his usual $125/month contribution. I'm just tired of being the only financial support when he makes more money than he used to and could help out more.

Wishful thinking, oh well.

Wish I knew...

why I feel this way.

It could be that the escalating debt I have feels like I'm drowning and can't tread water any more.

It could be that everytime I think things are going well, something else happens to make me question not only my sanity, but also my entire view of ... life in general.

It could be that I'm just overwhelmed and tired a lot.

It could be that I'm just a whiney bitch that can't seem to be happy.

Who knows.

I do know that I'm feeling overworked, underpaid, and unappreciated everywhere. Just not sure what to do about it. =/

No great title, just a post

I usually try to come up with some little catchy title for my blogs. Not today, just not creative enough to even think of an amusing little saying that would fit. Last night I was in bed by 9pm, crying and just plain depressed. My son, God love him, seems to be the only one that really wants to be part of my life. HU wants to be with me (in every sense of that word), yet leave me out of half of the things going on with him. Not sure that it's intentional...that's just the way he's wired I think. And I'm really quite tired of feeling like an outsider or like I don't matter to him. He does little things for me from time to time, which helps. I know it's a problem with ME that I feel like he's going through our life without regard to my feelings. Just dunno how to change it. My daughter only wants one thing: to be with the love of her life (teen love...pssh whatever!) every single minute of every single day. Which, is not a bad thing, but it's really almost bordering obsessive, which upsets me.

I'm at a point in my life that I feel trapped in my job, wondering what the heck I'm doing with my life in general, and wondering what I need to do to change things. I seriously feel like a hamster, you know in one of those wheels. Spinning, spinning, spinning, and not really ever getting anywhere...

Bitter Sweet Symphony

It's more than a song...lately it's been the theme song of my life.

My daughter is doing MUCH better in school. So good in fact, she feels like she no longer needs to take her medicine. *sigh* Here we go again. We've reduced her dose from 20mg twice a day to 10mg twice a day. Hopefully, it will be enough to help her maintain the levels of concentration, and keep her mood stabilized so that she doesn't fall back into depressed state. She seems to care about school this go around and I want that to continue, not revert back to what we were like before with her. We've been getting along really well too. Last night she calls HU into her room to see something, I ask him later what that was all about and he says: "I can't tell you". While I appreciate very much that she trusts him and wants him to be part of certain parts of her life...it infuriated me. Anytime Steph said anything to me, he was all over me to tell him about it. Dunno...I guess I just hate feeling shut out of important (or even not so important) things going on in my kids' lives.

John is away on a Boy Scout camping trip. While I'm SUPER excited he's finally, FINALLY joining in on anything social, I'm a bit worried about him being along with a group of boys and leaders I know nothing about. Not "I need to do background checks on these people" worried, but then again, one never knows!

I get so sick of hearing about child abductions, cult like scenarios that folks are held captive in, abuse, neglect, etc. It's on tv everyday on HLN (the wonderful "news" station they've decided to leave our tv on at work turned to). It's sickening...literally.

I have really enjoyed our lives without Stephanie here, but I'm worried about her too. She's been in a mental hospital for a week because she's depressed about being diabetic. She's now on Zoloft and who knows how that's going to affect her. I hope she gets things under control and can stay with her mom and visit with us. That's the ideal situation for me and my kids...not sure about HU though. I don't want him to resent me/us because his daughter's too much trouble. Hopefully Steph will mature a bit, the meds will help, and she'll be a much different girl the next time she comes to visit/stay with us.

I just don't need more drama...not sure I can handle it. :(

So while many things are going quite well right now, they seem to come with a price. It all seems bitter sweet ... I really like semi-sweet better!

Labor Day

That's such an interesting holiday. We're supposed to take time off and relax from laboring all year? Perhaps I should google "Labor Day" and see what comes up...

This weekend has been far from relaxing. My Mom's birthday party is this upcoming weekend and we've been working like MAD to get the house straightened up. The bedroom was an utter DISASTER area ever since we remodeled the living room. Tons of stuff just got SHOVED everywhere, including our bedroom and it had been AGES since it was cleaned really well. We spent ALL DAY today cleaning the bedroom and it's coming to look like, well, a bedroom again!

It's been a very stressful day and I've been extremely depressed this weekend for some odd reason. Probably due to HU doing really strange things...he just HAD to go try and get his blood test on Saturday at around 11:30...as if the lab would be open. Brought me back a cookie since the dog ate my other one, which was sweet, but felt more like a peace offering for some reason...

I have cried and cried this weekend and just been generally on edge. I'm stressed to my limit...

And now for something completely different

I'm feeling at a crossroads in my life. Kids are doing...ok. Work is SUPER frustrating. House is mortgaged out beyond capacity (but will be paid off in just under 9 years!) I'm still making payments on everything, but feeling like I'm constantly "robbing Peter to pay Paul". I hate robbing. I just want to make a decent living and tuck a bit of cash away for a rainy day. Like retirement. *sigh*

More and more I get freaked out about what will happen to us financially over the next few years. I could refinance the house and get some breathing room on my payments, but I really want to be done with the mortgages. I seriously have NO clue how I'm going to pay for my kids' college educations. I feel like a failure where my parenting job is concerned.

Lately, my boss had been making me feel "less than adequate" at work too...and of course HU always lets me know how I seemingly don't value our love life as much as he does. I seriously need to win the lottery so I don't have to worry about any of this...guess I need to buy a ticket first though, huh?

I'm seriously thinking that after 17 years in the Credit Union industry, it's time for a change. I've worked my way to up to branch manager...my brother who has no college degree and has not worked for his company as long as I've worked for mine makes more money than I do. I'm glad for him, but honestly, that just sucks. I think it may be time for me to look elsewhere and move on. That scares the shit out of me, but life is too short for me to be this stressed and unhappy. Plus I may be turning into an alchoholic...

Time off

Why is time off not really a day of rest? :)

Had a good but less than productive day today. HU's car is not running reliably and I had to take him to work. Had lunch with him later in the afternoon, then a 2nd lunch with a good friend going through some tough times. Then to Target, PetCo, then to pickup my daughter (and chauffer her boyfriend to the "pool hall" where he hangs out after school). Home for 15 mins then BACK to go pickup HU. Then to store on way home, cook dinner, then FINALLY sit down to relax at 8:30pm.

Time flies when you're having fun, eh??

It's been awhile

I've not posted in a couple of weeks here...it's been awhile. Kids started school and the money's already slipping through my fingers faster than green slime floods the stages of Nickelodeon TV. Why is everything so expensive?!? lol

Had a really good time in CO despite some adversity. Nothing reminds you to appreciate home like being ALMOST stranded atop a 9k ft high mountain. But at least it had a beautiful view!

This week my Assistant Manager's been on vacation and it's been really busy for me at work. Had a three hour meeting with my Regional Manager wherein he basically said, "average" performers need to be cut loose. Either they're over-achievers, pushing themselves to make 150% of goal or they're gone. Period. A "Satisfactory" rating is no longer good enough. "Excellent" was never able to be achieved though...go figure. Somehow I feared for my own job by the end of the coversation. Buy in to corporate bullshit or get out. Sell, sell, sell...sell WHAT exactly?!? We're a SERVICE industry and time again THAT'S what's bringing folks into our offices...the level of SERVICE we provide. NOT the products we offer to "SELL" them. *sigh* Not sure when they'll ever learn...

Time to get to bed....been SOOOOO run down lately and have another day and a half before I can get a break!

Congrats to my good friends Kim & Ian who just purchased a new house! :D Going to see it this weekend! lol

Steamboat Springs

A quaint little Colorado town! It's cute here, small and eclectic. Some "authentic" Indian (ie Native American) shops, as well as your typical touristy t-shirt and post card shops. Ate at a nice little Mexican restaurant this eve. I would have had a drink but my head hurts. Altitude adjustment, I'm sure...I've been drinking so much water I've only had three diet pepsi's all day. Part of my headache is probably lack of caffeine! LOL

I miss HU, more than I thought I would. I'm still...uneasy about leaving, but have to keep telling myself there is no reason to NOT trust him. Things have been going along well and I can't allow myself to make something out of nothing. Don't think I can go through another round of pain and feelings of being manipulated. All I can do is trust him. It's hard when my mind wanders, but he really does love me and I do love him. There has to be a level of trust. Just wish he'd trust me with his "private" life... /sigh maybe one day....

Anyway, off to bed! Tomorrow we get up early, pack the car and drive to the camp spot. Hang out there for two days just CHIILLING at the camp spot! :) Sunday we're going to the hot springs and have to leave early on MOnday to get home...flight leaves here at 12:20 and it's a 3 hour drive from Steamboat Springs to Denver. I'm thankful my friend doesn't mind all the driving. She's great! <3

Goodnight!

And...then off to Colorado!

Work tomorrow for a half day. Work Monday (kids go back to their Dad's at 8am). 1/2 day off on Tuesday...getting hair cut and colored, then work the other 1/2 day. Work Wednesday, then off Thursday, Friday and Monday! I head to CO to visit with my friend Robin to celebrate her 40th birthday! :) We'll be camping and I REALLY don't know how I'll handle *that*, but intend to have fun no matter what. This will be my last *hurrah* until next year. Sure, we may get to Chicago for a weekend trip to see HU's family, but for the most part our vacationing and traveling will be done...sad, but we've had a great summer!

It'll be hard to work the rest of the year without a break... =/

One more day...

Just ONE MORE DAY of work then I'm off for a week and a half! I'm so excited I can barely stand still.

HU and I are going to CA to visit with a couple of his friends. They've invited us to stay with them, so we just had plane fare and spending money expense. I'm hoping it doesn't cost TOO much there, because we really just don't have a lot to spend. =/ Between having to buy the new car (and now make payments) and a fixed income amount with no hope of bonus or incentive...our budgeting is definitely being tested and we're not doing so well. Eric spent almost $200 on my birthday, and while I love him for the thoughtful gifts he's given me, that's $200 we really didn't need him spending right now. =/ I'm looking forward to a nice long vacation just the two of us, and hope we can get some "alone time" there even though we'll be at his friend's house. Eric made my birthday nice and I'm glad for the time we've had together since Steph left. He's definitely more relaxed and attentive to my needs, and we're fighting a WHOLE lot less. We did have a blow up over Michelle and her boyfriend, which I'm hoping will get resolved soon. I just want some peace at home. I want us to all get along (and for the most part we do)...I'm really tired of stress and tension at home.

I can't wait for this much needed vacation. Mom's going to take the dog for a week...just not sure what to do about the hamster... o.O I think if I change the bedding the morning before we go and OVERLOAD the cage with food and treats it should be good for 5 days. Keeping my fingers crossed! :)

Self Esteem

So my "assignment" for the night is to come up with 2-6 qualities I admire/love about my daughter before tomorrow's therapy session. She's open to consider that she's a wonderful human being, now we just have to convince her it's true. *sigh* It will be hard to stop at 6...

All the work that I try to do to build her up...to make her believe that she's special...why is it that that can be ripped apart and destroyed in a matter of minutes? One word of negativity and she crawls (internally) into a pit of dispair.

Sad thing is: I often wonder if she learned this from me???

And so it goes...

Found the car to replace my wrecked one. Got a 2008 Kia Amanti, which is GORGEOUS. One day I WILL own a car that is NOT silver! LOL It has leather seats, moonroof, 6 disc CD changer, power EVERYTHING...it's a dream car (for me)...major upgrade, though it has less "cargo" space than my other sedan since the seats don't fold down. I can live with not hauling crap in this sweet ride!

Payments are not going to be fun, praying I get bonuses back next year. *sigh*

Last night we had a "family meeting" because the HU doesn't want the daughter's BF over all the time. They pretty much keep to themselves when he's here, hanging out in her room mostly. His visits here don't interfere with HU at all anymore, but he still doesn't like the kid. The BF was pretty disrespectful and HU can't get over that and give him a chance to be human.

Makes me a "bad guy" no matter what. Either I "give in" to HU and respect the fact that he doesn't want the BF around, which pisses off the daughter. OR...I "give in" to the wants/needs of the daughter and let the BF over, which pisses HU off. As usual, I'm screwed. I can't please everyone, and no one can compromise.

*sigh* I hate drama...

Car Vs. Guardrail

Guardrail 3, Car 0

Friday night I got into an accident and smashed up my car pretty good. It got towed away today and I should hear something about what the insurance company plans to do about it sometime tomorrow morning.

Part of me wants the insurance company to total the car, so I can get something new. But that involves making car payments again, which I really can't afford right now.

The other part of me wants to have the insurance company fix the car, which I will have to pay a $500 deductible, but won't have monthly payments. While I don't have $500 just lying about, I can scrape that together or charge it to my credit card and pay a little at a time.

Time will tell...wish me luck!

Is it Friday yet???

Well it's been 4 days with no kids and we've been in good spirits together. We actually worked together to clean up the basement and put a good dent in purging a crapton of JUNK down there.

HU told me he has to work mandatory overtime this week. Conveniently, that will be on Saturday while I'm at work. I need to learn how to re-train my brain to NOT distrust him when he says stuff like this. My mind immediately went to: "great, guess he's going to hang out with folks from work" (Specifically, Ashley who he's not mentioned in quite some time)

He still gets very defensive and I still have some major trust issues. *sigh* It's something I have to change within myself, but I am really struggling to figure out HOW.

Maybe it's that whole self-fulfilling prophesy thing...if I THINK there's problems and issues, I'm CREATING them myself by thinking that way??? Maybe there really ISN'T anything to be mistrustful about. Still, he hurt me...badly. And I'm trying to forgive and move on. Does doubt pass eventually? Will the pain lessen like when a loved one dies...each day getting a bit more bearable?

I am thankful for the time we have together...trying to rebuild what we once had. Just hope we can.

Steph is officially gone. For two years is the plan. While this was NOT the best thing for HER, I DO believe it was the best thing for ME...and for our marriage. I hope she matures some while gone, and I hope her mother will be responsible and provide her stability she needs. If she does, maybe she'll keep custody of her and we can just have visitation, which is, I think, ideal for my entire family. Time will tell....I love her and I do miss her. I don't miss the aggrevation she caused in my home though.

June...a new beginning??

February sucked, March was stressful, April was dreadful, May...moronic. June...a new beginning???

Last night, my step daughter left to go back to Vegas and live with her Mom. While I KNOW I did all I could to provide her a stable loving home environment here for the last two years, I can't help but revel in the fact she's gone. It's been two long years and has created a huge strain on my home, my marriage, my mental and physical health.

I'm tired, but relieved. I have a HUGE mess to clean up in her room. She has a guinea pig and it's disgusting. Hay everywhere, poop everywhere, food everywhere...she didn't bother to keep anything clean or organized.

Friday was my day off, my mother in law was driving in from Chicago and I spent the afternoon at the hospital with my step daughter because she didn't take care of herself and her illness (diabetes). She did things her way or no way, and I am completely relieved to have the stressor removed from my life.

HU and I may never recover from this. There's a wedge between us now that I can't ignore. There's resentment and anger...hurt and depression. He just carries on as if nothing's changed. It didn't affect him at all everything she put me through. I seriously almost had a nervous break down. Maybe I did...who knows.

We'll see how the next two weeks go for us. There won't be any kids in the house for two whole weeks. It's time to rebuild our relationship or completely move on. The choice will be his.

Mother's Day...

We spent the day outside at my Mom's today doing her yardwork (weeding and planting her annual flowers). It loooks really good, but my allergies really flared up horribly. I'm just miserable. And not just from allergies.

HU didn't bother to take the kids to get me anything for Mother's Day. Didn't really expect him to, but gee it would have been nice. Guess it was more important to work on his RC Helicopter and show off for all the neighbors that he can "fly" the thing. I worked Saturday morning....perfect opportunity for him to take the kids to the Walgreens A BLOCK AWAY and get me a candy bar and a card. /sigh oh well.

He had money to take Steph horseback rididng, but no money to get me anything. He asked me today if I wanted him to take me to dinner on Tuesday night for Mother's day. I told him no. First of all, my kids won't even be WITH me that night...not much of a Mother's day celebration without my kids there. Secondly, he won't get paid before Tuesday. If he doesn't have money now, what makes him think he'll have it on Tuesday???

I'm really depressed and tired of the bullshit with him. He's super selfish and I'm really just tired of being second to everything else in his life.

My daughter, while getting her boyfriend some candy for their "eight month anniversary" attempted to buy me a rose, but didn't have enough money. I just told her to put it back. Once again, doesn't mean much if it's last minute as an afterthought and I have to help pitch in to buy it. She said she thought about making me breakfast in bed, but woke up too late. oh well...

I don't mean to sound ungrateful or like I DEMAND gifts...but a bit of acknowledgement for all I do would be nice once in awhile. It never comes. I'm tired of crying and feeling like crap...feeling like I don't matter. Maybe I'm just tired....

Realizations

I've come to the realization that I am a complete enabler. Except when it comes to enabling myself. I can't seem to enable myself to be strong, powerful, or happy.

I enabled my ex husband to bully me in court 6+ years ago. When my daughter was in the 3rd grade, I knew. I knew she was struggling in school, I started filling out a questionnaire form about ADhD relative to my son and recognized signs in my daughter. The day I was supposed to have her tested, my ex had me served at work...claiming I was "denying his parental rights". Because he was (and still is) in denial. Nothing could be wrong with his little girl. His ego continued to stand in the way. The courts appointed a mediater that decided we should go through counselling at school, which led to family therapy, which led to her seeing a psychologist for depression. ALL of this could have been avoided so long ago. Even now he doesn't believe she has ADhD and as of Feb was refusing to give her medication to assist her. NOW we have an official diagnosis from a doctor HE chose. And he still refuses to acknowlege it's part of the problem. Yes, she has learning disabilities...yes, she'll need tutoring and ongoing therapy and maintenance for chronic depression. None of which changes the fact that she has been diagnosed with ADhD. A completely TREATABLE issue.

The realization I have come to: I CANNOT enable him to continue to deny her the treatment that she needs to be successful.

I need to stop being an enabler. Period.

Calming down

I'm finally starting to really get settled in at work. Things are calming down a bit for me there.

If I could just get my personal life under control that'd be amazing. HU and I got into a big argument this evening over ... Facebook of all things. I posted a message that I won't be checking my facebook page for...awhile. He asked why. I told him because I don't need to see him "flirting" and making lunch dates with other women. It hurts too much and he just wants to blame me for being "ridiculous".

I'm tired of my feelings being dismissed by him and made to feel like my feelings don't matter. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like an outsider in my own life.

Worst part is: I can't talk to him at all anymore without it turning into a huge all out disagreement. We have NOTHING in common and I'm not sure I enjoy his company at all anymore.

I'm just tired. All I wanted to do was remove the facebook IN YOUR FACE at me from my life so I can focus on the important things. Life's too short to be unhappy.

New Branch, new challenges..

Well...I'm officially "settled" into my new office. As settled as I can be considering I've been thrown in there with no training on new systems and am flying by the seat of my pants. LOL

All in all, it's a beautiful branch and I'm having fun getting to know the employees there. They're really a great bunch of folks that work like well oiled machine. They have great teamwork, so 1/2 my battle is won already. Now I just have to justify to the big guys that I need more help. We'll see but that likely won't happen for a couple of months if at all.

Steph has been in her room all night. HU is out working overtime and supposedly going by home depot on his way home to get the last bit of trim we need to finish off the living room.

Michelle is still ... distant...toward me and I can't help but feeling like I missed many opportunities to have a great relationship with her because I have to be focused on work and other issues in my life. She senses the disconnects between HU and myself I know, and she's naturally scared and unhappy and wants to escape that reality I'm sure. *sigh*

For now, I'm taking everything one day at a time and feeling like I'm just trying to wade over to the shallow end from nearly drowning to death just a few short days ago. Funny thing...I used to love to swim.

Long time no post

Things have been ... crazy here lately. Must be why I feel like that's where I'm going.

Branch officially closed on Tuesday. Wednesday was spent cleaning up and clearing out last minute supplies. Spent a little time at the new branch Wednesday afternoon (about 2 hours or so) trying to get settled in. First day at the new branch was on Thursday. I had a Board meeting on Thursday, so that was a major interruption into getting settled in. Thursday and Friday were slammed busy and I'm just not used to that kind of lobby traffic. There's also a "penalty box" front desk area that had to be manned at all times by two people. Phones ring, folks interrupt you no matter what you're doing, and you're expected to give exceptional service to all of them all the time. I really hate the penalty box... All this coupled with the fact that I have a small staff (inadequate in number to handle the traffic) and they're not actively seeking to fill the two part time positions I have open right now. *sigh* I'm not very happy...I was excited to be moving to new challenges, but now, I'm really not happy. I HOPE that the traffic slows a little bit and this last week was just the "OMFG! My old branch is CLOSED! I need to rush over to the new place and check it out!!" frenzy that will fade away a bit. I also think some of the increased traffic was just from it being a bad time of the month to do this change over. We'll see...I feel like I've been thrown to the wolves. My lead teller is on vacation. My assistant manager is going on comp Monday afternoon and I have NO clue how to even run a teller station here at this new place because it's completly high tech and I haven't been trained how to used the cash dispensers or RTS units. I'm nervous and in unfamiliar territory and it's NOT where I wanted to be while going through so much else in my personal life right now...

I cried myself to sleep on Thursday night. Michelle wants to go live with her dad because that's the easy place to be. She and I have a decent relationship, but he's like her best buddy....which is honestly great, but I want so badly to have that with her. Guess I'm a bit jealous of that, but honestly, I truly believe that I'm helping to prepare her for her future, not just "playing" in the present. I'm not sure I can have the kind of relationship with her I want, at least not now, especially since he's filled her head full of crap and allows her all the freedoms she wants. I want to protect and help her while making her happy, he just wants to make her happy. She thinks I'm the enemy just trying to fill her full of medicine that won't help her anyway. Nevermind the fact her moods were under control and she was reasonable when on her meds properly before...She had some psych testing done and the Dr. spoke to the ex and told him she has some learning difficulties and specifically mentioned to him dyslexia. (I'm getting all this from him though, so who knows what else she's said....) We're supposed to meet with her on the 27th and get some results in detail then.

HU and I are still on the outs frequently. I'm tired of trying to make things work and patch things up while he wants to continue to live his life without me being included. I swear I think I'm going mental. I feel obsessed in finding things out and needing even more information now more than ever. I've never felt so insecure, yet he assures me I have nothing to worry about or be insecure over. It's like I'm just waiting for the bomb to drop and I don't like it.

I'm almost the big 40, my body is starting to look it. The grey hair comes in faster, and I've no energy for much of anything.

I went to dinner Friday night with my best friend and a couple other folks we went to high school with. It was nice, but I found myself sitting there wondering ... WTF happened to me??? Lynn is married, has two beautiful boys and spoke about their family biking on the Katy Trail. Sandy is competing in a 13 mile marathon has a son and a husband who's a personal trainer. Dana has three kids a husband who owns his own business and went on and on about her kids and all the activities they're involved in. I can barely get my kids out the door to go eat, much less be involved in anything. Michelle's in the band, John isn't involved in anything. WTF kind of parent have I been really? I'm just trying to make enough money to keep the household running and I don't have a kind of job that allows me to run kids all over creation. I simply don't know how they do it.

I have been extremely depressed and out of it. I want my husband's attention...he's out hunting for ghosts this eve. *sigh*

I have two more evaluations to write by the 15th of this month. I hope I can get them done.

Same stuff...different day

The drywall has one more day of work to do then we're ready to paint. I'm really looking forward to some COLOR in the living room and I'm excited to see my "vision" become reality.

I still feel completely lost amidst a family that is nothing like what I ever imagined my family to be.

Michelle's birthday is today, and she's gone to her dad's for spring break week. I yelled at her this morning about what she was wearing and she was really disrespectful to me the last few days. I feel horrible about it all now and have apologized, but I'm really tired of being stretched so thin that every little thing upsets me.

Today HU and I went to lunch...just penn station sandwhiches, nothing special. It was a nice time, but I left feeling empty inside. He talked about his work and meetings coming up about attendance...he talked about Pam and how she's been upset at work every day...in a bad mood all the time from all the mandatory overtime. I talked a bit about Michelle and the incident this morning and he just wanted to put a kabash on Michelle's relationship with her boyfriend as "punishment" for her disrespectful nature. Right now, I don't think she's taking her medicine regularly and her moods have been sporadic and up and down. HU asked me to smile as I left and I just couldn't bring myself to.

I'm sad, depressed, and very lonely. As soon as we got home this evening, HU went right to his computer and logged on Facebook. He's so interested in connecting with friends of his past that his present and future is beign pushed aside. Hey, it's cool to connect back with old friends...I just don't like that 85% of his "old friends" are girls. I hate being jealous, and I hate being ... left out? alone? neglected?

Waiting...

Waiting for my family to be ready to go.

Eric and I are going to the AMA Motocross event this eve and the kids are going to my sister's for the night. We're doing Michelle's birthday tomorrow so it was just easier for them to spend the night. Michelle of course doesn't want to stay the night because she's "too old" to be babysat. I explained her Aunt wants to spend time with her...she still doesn't want to stay the night. =/

I'm looking forward to this event, though I have pretty much no interest in the event itself. I just want to have a good time with my husband again. It's been so long since we've had that. Hope I can muster up enough enthusiasm for the event to make it enjoyable for him...

Stephanie's in Vegas until Friday and Michelle and John will be at their dad's starting Monday morning. We'll have the house to ourselves for 5 days. Too bad it's going to be filled with construction and paint and floor laying. lol I'll be so glad when this living room is done!

It's been 13 days...

Must be my SUCKY (not lucky) number.

In the last two weeks:

Purchased a sofa
Started remodeling the living room
Began proceedings to spend $1850 to get Michelle tested psychologically (o.O)
Worked as a teller/FSR since they keep taking my staff from me too early...

I'm tired of feeling overworked and underappreciated.

Haven't heard from my husband ALL day and I sent him an email asking him to do ONE thing for me: Contact the contractor to set up some work for tomorrow. It's 3:30pm and I call Jeremy the contractor who, nope, hadn't heard from HU yet. Surprise, surprise. Gee, what could he have been doing for an HOUR during his lunch? Spending over $20 at a Chinese restraunt for one...guess he decided lunch with a friend was more important than something I asked him to do. I am SO SICK of coming second to him it's not even funny.

I'm tired, crabby, frustrated, angry, and just want this month to be over with so I can start fresh at my new branch.

More later, off to a band concert for now. Hopefully better than the freaking orchestra concert nightmare from last week...

Changes

They don't have to be bad...but they are hard.

My branch closes in less than a month. What I thought would be a nice "transition phase" to the new one located 2 miles east of my current location is now going to be a case where I'm "thrown in" to a new staff, new setup, and new challenges. It will be interesting to say the least.

The current manager at OLB will go to Wentzville....Wentzville manager will go to Cave Spring....Cave Springs manager will go to North County....North County manager will go to Greenway Chase...Greenway Chase manager is going to ... Automated Services manager (back office). o.O

Who knew one branch closing and one back office manager retiring would have such a profound effect on so many people!??!

Went to lunch with HU at his request today...was nice. Sub sandwiches and fair conversation. Perhaps things are getting a bit better. We'll see. I came home from the store and he had several folks he was texting, he could see that I was checking out the sections of his phone visually that show who the messages are being sent to and he "conveniently" needed to use his calculator at that moment instead. He also told me tonight that next week he'll have MANDATORY 8 hours...EIGHT HOURS... of overtime. *sigh* I am so far behind in all the things I need to do and had JUST told him at lunch I have craptons of junk to get done...I need him home when I have to work late this month. I NEED HIM HOME. He *said* he's considering taking an occurrence and not doing any OT at all. We'll see how it plays out...just awfully convenient is all... :(

I'm still distraught at the timing of everything, but I'm really trying to get over it. What a fiasco...and so much pain and hurt.

Good news: Tax refund should be in on Friday and we're planning on remodeling the living room. I'm excited to be decorating again...one thing I'm fairly good at and enjoy immensely.

I started this blog...

because I thought I was losing my mind. My world was crashing down around me, and I felt like I was just LOSING "it"!

Now it seems like it's a "bitch-fest" and I'm not sure that's the most healthy thing for me either. But I DO need to get these thoughts and feelings OUT, or I likely WILL "lose it"...

HU and I are...ok. He's gone again tonight. To the hobby store for more helicopter parts. We're looking into sending his daughter to a camp for diabetic kids...hopefully she can learn of dangers and get some good pointers and realize she's not alone or a freak about her illness. It's $600-$700 for a week long camp though. Guess we'll see...

On his way to the hobby store, he spoke with my mom about my 40th bday party (coming up in July). I really just want something low key and not "over-the-hill" themed as I feel so old and frazzled, that's just not what I need right now. I can usually take things all in fun without much issue, not sure I can handle something like that this year. My mom...apparently has other plans. He told her that I want a nice family dinner out at my favorite (cheap) Mexican restraunt. Which is truly what I want. Shouldn't my birthday be about what I want after all?? *sigh* Oh well, I guess it's black balloons and the grim reaper in my very near future. yay...

Boss stopped by today and finally spoke to my Lead teller to tell her where she'd be going when the branch closes. Told me some more big changes are coming tomorrow and he couldn't tell me any more. He finally DID tell me that I will most likely stay at OLB because of the Chamber stuff that I do....I told him I'd move wherever. Right now, I'd love to get out of the Chamber before next year! lol Ahh well it's a big honor to be the "President of the Chamber of Commerce" in the community in which you work....I'll suck it up and deal with it. It'll be interesting to see what's in store after his big meeting tomorrow.... changes are on the way and some big ones to boot. He SAID they don't directly affect me, so oh well! LOL

I'm still feeling crappy and worn down. Likely from all the stress and then again from the kids being SICK! I hope and pray I don't get the gastrointestinal garbage they've been dealing with because I CANNOT afford to be out of the office any more than I already am this month.

Accomplished .. nothing

I really got nothing done at work today. They're paying me a good salary to sit and be zombie-like.

I guess we did do the monthly vault audit...which is SOMETHING. I did OPEN the evaluation template and stare at it blankly. I did talk quite a bit with the existing Branch Manager at the Olivette office (The branchwhere I'll be moving to...herein after referred to as OLB) to get some scheduling out of the way.

I guess I wasn't a complete waste of human space today. I just can't concentrate. I can't keep my mind focused on business when my personal life is so out of balance.

Michelle stayed home sick today over at her Dad's with a stomach flu...really didn't want her to bring germs here! Hopefully, John didn't bring them with him even though he's not sick, I hope he's not a carrier host! o.O

I can't afford to be sick on top of all the rest of what's going on...

HU didn't call me on either break. We were up till 2am talking and he claimed to be tired and was only going to work 1 hour OT this eve. Said he laid down on the sofa at work to nap a bit to try to refresh at lunch. Still didn't get a call in the morning or afternoon break from him though. Guess he had more to talk about with folks at work in the breakroom than with me. Gah...I just need to stop thinking so negatively. Just tired of hurting and want to move on.

How to get motivated....

I have so much to do at work...things to pack up and get ready to ship out. Things to CLEAN up that have been there for 30+ years (bleh).

I have 3 evaluations to get done by the end of this month and tons of meetings scheduled throughout the month as well.

HUs got more OT scheduled and I just don't know how I'm going to get it all done.

I may need to re-schedule my colonoscopy until April...may be easier for everyone involved if I do. It's not emergent, so I feel like I should just put it off. I had it scheduled for the 23rd of March (Michelle's birthday) but found out that one of my employees needs to be out of the office that afternoon to get signed up for school. Will leave 2 for the afternoon, which should be doable, but I hate to put folks in that bind. PLUS...we're going to the AMA Motocross event (HU and I) Sat night, so we were going to do Michelle's bday celebration on Sunday. Can't do THAT if I'm clear liquid diet the entire day before the test.

I just can't bring myself to do much of anything lately. A load of laundry or dishes here or there, but that's about it. I have read a bit, I got a wii fit and worked out on that on Friday afternoon, but other than that...I mope. I hate feeling like this and I don't know what to do to change it. So I need to get motivated at work now too as deadlines are crunching away at my being. Crazy that We have exactly one month before the branch closes...so surreal.

Snoop Dawg

Yep...I snooped. Sue me. I felt I had "probable cause". He said *I* can't be trusted, I'd just do it again and that's unacceptable! I told him don't give me cause to and it won't be necessary.

Our story continues: (GOD this feels like a freaking soap opera with a Jerry Springer twist!) I went into his phone log to get this girl's number and found stuff I "should have never" found. According to him, if I wasn't snooping, there wouldn't be any hurt feelings. Basically he tells me "what I don't know can't hurt me".

I've "snooped" one time before and he went through the roof. I was sitting at his computer desk, he was fixing mine. An email popped up, you know the littel outlook box that fades out after a second?, and was from some girl I had never heard of thanking him for the "gift certificate" or something. It flashed away too fast, but ... WTF?? *Clicks open the email* Apparently it was some dumb bet he made about team productivity or something and he lost so he got her the gift card instead of the item he was supposed to have gotten her whatever that was now I don't remember. I was hurt that he'd do all that without telling me anything about it, he apologized, I apologized for "snooping"...done deal. Until now. He's a very private person and wants to be his own individual person. He says I ask too many questions and I don't need to be in his business all the time. He doesn't want me to read his email, see his texts, or look at his phone logs, but there's absolutely nothing to hide...RIIIIIGHT. I should just trust him completely. And honestly, I do...until something like this eats away at that trust that's been built up.

I reminded him, I'm not his mother. He doesn't just live under this roof and "answer to me" like he did his mom. (or didn't do as the case may be) He said all my questions make him feel that way. We talked about frustrations. I get frustrated when he does NOTHING about Steph's behavior, but if Michelle does anything wrong he's all over her. He STILL hasn't called the school or punished her for vandalizing school property. In fact, she went out and got a new camera AND a DS game for her good grades and used money she had saved for the camera. *facepalm* I told him I wouldn't wait for the counselor to call him, he needs to be proactive instead of reactive. He just said "now you've said your piece drop it and I'll take care of it" ...paraphrased slightly, but that's the jist of it.

The calls to the girl were few and far between but were at really odd times...call from her to him at 6:36am one morning? That's typically when I'm in the shower... call from him to her at 7:45pm? On his way home from work...HOME TO ME AND HIS FAMILY. His explaination: "oh, she probably accidentally dialed me. I probably called her on the way about something that happened at work"

In the end I told him I'm allowed to have feelings no matter how irrational he may think they are. He's got me so mind-fucked into thinking this is all me blowing everything out of proportion and overreacting, yet I keep uncovering things that don't add up.

The Gun shop explanation (the REAL reason I called him out on the call log deal) was supposedly that he was looking into getting some sort of permit to go to the shooting range. I told him I don't like guns in the house, but wouldn't mind to learn to shoot...safely...at a range. We talked about this before...YEARS ago, but he said he (conveniently) doesn't remember that I'd be interested in doing anything like that.

It all boils down to how WE were in the beginning...which is how THEY are starting out now. And it scares the living shit out of me. He says we'll work through it. Neither of us wants to divorce and lose the other. I feel like we're at such an impass over this right now it feels hopeless. Maybe I'll feel better after I meet her. If she's just a friend, so be it. But good LORD quit with the half-truths, partial information leading me to believe one thing and I find out something different, and dismissing things as "your business". I apologized for "snooping again", but told him I will NOT lead my life with blinders on, and he better take his off and see what's going on around him. He apologized for not giving me more information and said he'd try to do that better in the future. /shrug I doubt it will happen, but we'll see. One day at a time...

Bottom line, he needs to grow up. I'm not sure he's ready to...

I'm tired

The area code of the "friend" is the kansas city, MO area. The same place he went with ghost hunting group, the same place he picked up my print that we just had framed...I'm so confused and frustrated.

Am I REALLY making more to all this than there is? Or is there more to all of this than even I know of?

Ignorance is bliss. Bliss is stupid.

Yesterday

More than a great song by the Beatles

Yesterday HU and I went to breakfast...I was upset about the calls to the girl, the calls to the gun shops, but I went anyway. I'm really trying to let things NOT affect me and move on. We can't move forward if I can't move on. HOWEVER, before I yell at myself for being a door mat, I tell myself to "proceed with caution". I'm not dismissing what I found...or ignoring it. The calls to the girl thing--I'm storing it up in my mind for when it's needed. The gun thing--I need to address. It's dangerous and we need to talk about it. It's just one more example of how he does things I have NO CLUE about and I'm just supposed to be "OK" with what he does. Again, I decided I can't let it "get to me" because there could be (there always is according to him) some LOGICAL explanation as to what's going on. I just can't think of any...

Anyway, we had a nice breakfast and headed to the furniture store to look at sofas. I need a new one and we're getting a good bit back from income taxes for a refund. My last sofa was purchased for about $500 I think and that was 13 years ago. It's ripped, and uncomfy. I bought a fabric cover from Target about 5 years ago just to hide it's ugliness...it's still uncomfy though, and now the fabric cover needs replacing. Spend $70-100 for a new cover, or bite the bullet and get a new sofa. We went to about 7 different stores and all the sofas I wanted were too big for the small area we have to work with. In the end we went with a DARK chocolate brown (almost looks black) modular sectional that we can configure to fit however we need it to. All in all I guess I'm happy with it. It should seat 6-7 folks comfortably, right now we have seating for 3. That was my main concern with a new sofa...if we're going to spend the money, it's going to seat more folks! The material is fabric, but looks like leather (or pleather??). So it almost looks like a black leather, but it's really dark brown fabric. /shrug Probably too contemporary for our room, but we want to tear our living room apart and re-do it anyway...baby steps. Hopefully the sofa will last another 13 years. We ended up paying $1200 for it including delivery, tax, and an insurance protection program that will repair/replace it for the next 5 years if something happens. So at least it should last 5 years... LOL

His daughter texts him while we're out (we've been gone like 4 hours by now!) and asks can he take her to a breakfast place tomorrow, just the two of them. Because I always complain that the food's messed up at that place. Here's a novel idea, pick a different f'ing place you little brat! He DID say he texted back that she's being rude. We got home and I told her "sorry it took so long, we were looking at getting a new sofa"...she walked away and said nothing. (later she said that she said "alright" but was too soft so I didn't hear her) HU made her come back and yelled at her for being disrespectful. I pointed out to her that I've been trying not to yell at her unnecessarily, but by golly if she breaks rules, she WILL be disciplined. I do all sorts of things "special" for her...set limits, she exceeds them. The other day she wanted a snack after school, she's diabetic and it was 4:30pm. I told her no, too close to dinner, don't want level readings out of whack. She argued her dad lets her have a snack all the time. I told her no again and she stormed off. The next day I got her slim jims and sugar free ice pops. Like 1-3g of carbs per snack and told her if she wants a snack she can have 2 slim jims or 1 ice pop for snack. That's it. Sorry if she wants something else, too bad. Be glad she has anything at all. That same day, I had to go down to her room to help her hang a poster (that HU was too lazy to get off his ass to find any tape...) and found 4 slim jim wrappers. I asked her why there was 4 wrappers...she said "I forgot". *sigh* I told her next time, I won't buy her any snacks at all if she can't control herself and follow the rules. It's a constant battle with her, but hopefully yesterday she realized I'm not "against" her. HU told her she could buy a new camera with her money saved up. Mind you, her camera works fine, she LOST the charger cord. *facepalm* So we go to best buy and she gets a new $109 camera. Why does an 11 year old need a 10mega pixel $109 camera?!?! Whatever. I didn't fight about it, it's her money to spend, let her spend it. I DID however set the expectation that she best take VERY good care of it and all it's parts as it's the last camera she'll be getting for a VERY LONG TIME! (she destroys everything she owns btw) *rolls eyes*

Went back to furniture store after best buy and bought the aforementioned sofa, it'll be delivered next week. YAY! Went to the PBR (Pro Bull Riding) event at the arena last night. While it was entertaining, it wasn't really my cup of tea. It was a lot of time between contestants and they stayed on the bulls for 8 seconds max. woohoo. LOL There was a "rodeo clown" that entertained between rides, so at least that was fun to watch. HU asked if I'd go back again and I told him sure, but I wouldn't waste money on better seats. We got nosebleed tix for $10 ea and they were fine IMO. I'm really trying to do more things he likes to do. March 21st we're supposed to go to some AMA Motocross race or something...it's dirt bikes. Not sure if it's racing or if it's tricks on bikes. Also not my cup of tea, but I'll go and I'll try to have a good time so HE has a good time.

We'll see what today holds. I'm the only one awake and not sure what's planned. We were going to have dinner with a mutual friend from his work, but she had to cancel...dont' think her partner liked the last minute plans. heh

Call logs...

I knew HU's other "friend" attempted to call him, so while he was in the shower today, I checked his call log to get her number. Just in case we become really great friends you know I'll be able to reach her...

Anyway, troubling things I found:
1.) HE called HER way back as early on as Feb 2nd. About the time we got into our first big arguement and he got me to agree to let him go to movies with "friends that are girls"
2.) There have been several calls this month BEFORE he asked permission for her to call him Thursday night.
3.) There were two separate calls to two different gun shops. WTF?!?? He hasn't mentioned to me anything at all about wanting to own a gun or look for one, etc.

Now I'm freaking out and how do I tell him I know about the calls to the gun shops...he'll call me a snoop and untrustworthy (meaning I'll NEVER trust him) because I checked the call log in the first place.

Now...it's a matter of safety as I don't want guns in the house at all and maybe he's not even considering getting one, but why else do you call a place like that?!?

Somebody stop me...

I have been out of the house the last two days and have spent $300ish.

I stopped by game stop yesterday to check out used psp and wii games for the kids. Asked the guy, hey, do you happen to have a wii fit? Yep, I have ONE...do you want it? *Impulse buy* YES! So I got the wii fit, the yoga mat and sleeve for the balance board and a recargeable battery pack. $150 later, I walk out without any games for the kids, which is why I went in in the first place! LOL

Today, I went to the spa. Had my first facial ever and it was NIIIICCE! She even gave me an upper body massage with it, which was a nice surprise, I really didn't expect it. Of course when I was done, there were about 5 products she recommended as "ESSENTIAL" to maintaining and repairing my skin. So I bought them. $120 later I am feeling great. (First time in a while)

SO...no more spending for me. Need to get back to business and deal with stuff here. I got a text from HU that simply said "*hugs* Love you :)" which was nice. But again, no phone call on his break or during his lunch. Guess he's too busy sharing the meatloaf he needed me to help him make last night with his FRIENDS. *sigh*

I'm really at a loss. I love him deeply. I'm hurt deeply. Which one wins and takes over as the stronger emotion? I talked a LOT with a friend of mine yesterday (Thank you, btw, you know who you are...I owe you much!) and she really helped me put some perspective on a few things.

A.) He REALLY doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. He REALLY sees this as "just friends" and as such feels I am overreacting about lots of things.
B.) He's not doing any of it to HURT me (though he continues to even though he knows it does...can't figure that one out yet)
C.) As a man, he just doesn't "get it" the way I do

She suggested that I set limits and talk to him. What's acceptable and what isn't. We've tried that, but I'm not above trying again.

HU came home and gave me a kiss hello...I kissed him back briefly. "Is that all I get?" ...Yep. "You don't love me anymore?"... I'm still trying to figure it out. I RATIONALLY and REASONABLY spoke to him yesterday and told him that this "friendship" with this other woman is going too far. I honestly and wholeheartedly don't believe he has interest in her, or intends to persue an intimate relationship with her physically. My issue is the level of intimacy they're attaining together, while our intimacy is crumbling around me. It's so hard to explain really. But seriously, this girl, almost half his age, has NO ONE else to talk to or even WANTS to talk to about her court "drama"?? Why does she feel so connected to HU?? It may be innocent on his part, but I see signs on her part that he's not seeing. He says I have no proof of anything supporting that "theory"....I say her actions are proof enough and I'm not waiting around for PHYSICAL things to happen for proof.

I dunno, I'm overwhelmed everywhere I turn. I don't want to make irrational decisions, but all the signs point to what I believe is going on in my gut. I can't ignore how I feel. If he chooses to ignore how I feel, he'll have made a choice as well. What's that old song by Rush say: "If you choose not to decide, you'll still have made a choice"

I've stated my case, I've told him my fears (rational or irrational I'm still allowed to have feelings), the rest is up to him.

That'll be $30 please...

Went to the therapist today. Hoping to get some assistance in how to deal with stress. First they need background of what's been going on to CAUSE the stress.

The therapist said, "I'm surprised you're not homicidal" (jokingly of course) She said that everything that I've been feeling is normal and not overreacting. She thought, in fact, I was underreacting and allowing HU to manipulate/control me. =/

After I got back, I was feeling a bit better, not quite as "OMG AM I JUST BEING SO OVER-THE-TOP RIDICULOUS??"....

Michelle started in on the "blue sheets" that we want her to start so we can get up to date grades/missing assignments rather than wait 3 weeks for grades to be posted. I told her I give up. Do the sheets or don't, I'm trying to help her get her phone back and she doesn't even want to try.

HU texted me (didn't even have the courtesy to call)and said his girl-friend has to go to court over a DUI or DWI and wants to call him tonight because she'll be upset. Sorry that's too much her-leaning-on-him for my comfort level.

I tried to talk to him about it...he dismissed it as me not having "proof" that she wants more than to just be friends. I told him he needs to set limits and boundaries and he's getting too involved in this particular co-worker's life. He still wants to say that I'm overreacting and making too much out of nothing. Sorry if it's so much nothing, it shouldn't be an issue to break it off, or at the VERY least back off. Too close for my comfort, respect it or get out.

He said we'll figure it out...it'll be ok. I think he's slowly realizing I really can't take this anymore. Not sure if that matters to him or not, but he's starting to realize it nonetheless.

I'm trying to give him some freedom, trying not to be controlling and demanding, I'm trying to keep an open mind and I DO trust him (at this point) that he's taking this as an innocent friendship and wants nothing more. It's her I don't trust. I'm not sure he sees it completely or ever will...time will tell. For now, I continue to hurt and not sure how much more hurt I can handle without crumbling completely.

How stupid am I??

The rhetorical question of the ages. No one wants to really EVER find out the answer to that question...yet I find myself asking myself that question constantly lately.

How stupid am I that I would let my ex stand in the way of getting my daughter the medical help she needs?

How stupid am I that I want so badly for my relationship with my husband to work, that I'm willing to give up my time with him so he can be with another woman?

How stupid am I that I take on more tasks than I can hope to accomplish successfully?

Meeting with the psychiatrist, daughter and ex yesterday. Doc was appalled at her grades (as were we as her parents of course), she had the worst attitude and was completely disrespectful to the doctor. Welcome back mood swings. *sigh* She was taken off one medicine last month and supposed to have replaced it with another, but the ex refused to administer because it's primarily used to treat ADHD. He's got my daughter so brainwashed to believing that's a BAD BAD thing to be diagnosed with that illness. I'm at a complete loss. Now we start over. New doctor, more testing and questionaires to fill out, we've been all through this. I swear to GOD if anything comes from these tests, I'm taking him back to court for sole legal custody so he can't continue to stand in the way of her treatment. I'm so angry I could spit >.<

Things are (were??) going well with HU. He says he's going to give me more money to help out with the financial stress I've been under (he SHOULD be paying half of everything, but hey, anything more is better than nothing, right?). He said he'd "get rid of" the "work-friend"...which I took to mean he would not be hanging out with her, going to lunch with her, etc. He text messages me today:
"Don't want u mad/upset..But Ashley asked if it was ok to call me tonight for a few minutes. She had to go to court today and wanted someone to talk to about it. Do you think that'll be ok?? Just want to ask to see if your ok with that. Let me know."

How the FUCK am I supposed to respond to this? If I say, hell no I'm not ok with her calling you...I'm a cold hearted bitch controlling him and not allowing him to have friends. If I say sure go ahead...I'm lying. I'm NOT ok with this at all. But he's made me feel so guilty like all of this is just me being insecure and ridiculous, how do I tell him how I REALLY feel???

In the end, I said: "Sure if you can talk to her in front of me...I can't believe she has no one else to talk to about this but if you can help I guess I need to be ok with it"

Not sure that was the right way to handle it or not...I'm NOT ok with it, but I'm TRYING to let him have friends. Here's what I'm NOT ok with....she's upset/hurt/angry/whatever...who does she run to for comfort and support? MY HUSBAND??? She seriously has NO ONE ELSE to talk to?!?! He said she just moved here about a year ago and doesn't have any friends here. What about where she came from?? I'm sure she still has friends/family elsewhere even if not in this area. And a whole year goes by and you've not connected with a FEMALE friend you work with in a way that you're comfy talking about your problems (even a watered down version of them) with her??? I'm just not buying any of what he's selling right now...doesn't add up and it SUCKS.

He said it was no problem to talk in front of me and he'll keep it short as possible. I just don't get it. Why, when he JUST said Sunday, he'd "get rid" of her would he be asking my permission to take her phone call?? Like they don't spend enough time together at work. *sigh*

Then he texts me: "Yes. If possible" out of the clear blue not related to our conversation at all and when I called him out on it, he tried to play it off as talking about he would speak to Michelle if I could keep her from being emo with her boyfriend. Sorry dude, I didn't just fall off the stagecoach...I know how mistells work. =/

All this adds up to trouble beyond trouble and I'm just supposed to IGNORE all these signs.

HOW STUPID AM I?!?!?

So now what...

So I go to lunch with HU on Monday. He says meet him at Quiznos I say ok. I fully expected him to bring Ashley with him...I was nervous, but agreed to meet him. I get to Quiznos, he calls.

HU: "You're at Quiznos aren't you?"
ME: "Yep"
HU: "I'm at Penn Station"
(*sighs and tries to ignore the pit in my stomach*)
ME: "Guess I'll drive over there"
HU: "Nah, stay there I'm already on my way"

So he gets to Quiznos lot and the "Fish Place" (aka Joey's Seafood) is right next door...the place we used to enjoy going for lunch...the place he took Ashley to recently. He says we can go there instead. I tell him whatever he wants to eat as he's watching his diet and I know he likes fish, etc. He chooses Joeys.

We go in and have a seat, we've lost a LOT of time by now and he has to be back within the hour or he gets an occurrence at work, which is like a warning for being tardy. Too many of those and it can spell trouble.

I TRY to talk to him. He wants to do his overtime (OT) on Saturday. ALL THIS TIME, he has NEVER wanted to work Saturdays. NEVER. So I'm trying to understand...why, when all this is going on, would he WANT to work on Saturday? (My mind, of course, goes directly to: Probably because that's when Ashley works) Why does my mind HAVE to go there??? What's WRONG with me that I can't trust him? MAYBE he wants to use that as an excuse to leave the house for a couple hours then come home and surprise me with something nice! MAYBE it's NOT about him spending time with anyone else.... the voice inside me calls me stupid. I hate that voice. We end up in a big argument when all I was trying to do was understand WHY he's done a 180 and WANTS to go in on Saturday. MY FIRST Saturday off in awhile. It's all too much. *sigh*

Later he apologized for lunch and the argument, but *I* still hurt deeply because I can't even TALK to him anymore. We went to Penn Station yesterday and it was nice.

At least we're having the best sex ever in a long time. Maybe fighting isn't all bad when the make up sex is awesome?

It's also looking more and more like his daughter will be moving back to live with her mom. On the one hand, it's what WE need. On the other, it's dangerous to send her back. Her physical and emotional health is at stake and I really don't want to make this decision. So I'll stand by and let them work it out and support HUs decision in this regard.

I'm really looking forward to the therapy session I have scheduled for tomorrow afternoon...I need to know what's wrong with me.

Too much...

It's all too much. All of it.

After HU and I talked about him going to do things with other folks (women friends mostly), I explained that maybe if I met these folks I'd have a better sense of who they are and how they interact with him and my jealousy issues would been lessened considerably. --not gone, but maybe not so much of an issue...-- He said he understood. Apparently he didn't understand, or he just didn't care, because once again, I invited him to lunch and he turned me down. Got stuck on a long call again he said. Shit happens I think to myself and I go to lunch alone. Back at the office later in the afternoon, he says someone stole his pizza from the fridge so "we" went out to get food. The pizza he FREAKED out about btw on the way out the door because Steph ate 2 pieces of it. There were 4 pieces left, enough for a light lunch, but it just wasn't enough....perhaps he needed more so that he could share it... *sigh*

I ask who he went to lunch with...yep, the answer was Ashley. I lost it. I broke down at work. I called Mom to ask her to pick up the kids and get them dinner. I tore out of work and raced to his to try to confront this woman. I sent him a voice mail telling him to meet me at Houlihan's and bring her with. I got there at 10 after 5pm and she was gone already. She lives far away and leaves at 5:01 every day he says. I told him to call her up, let's meet her somewhere else. If it takes 4 hours to get there I didn't care. Obviously this woman means so much to him, the least I could do is drive to go meet her, right? Of course he declined. He paid for her meal too. Now, it could be completely innocent. Perhaps she paid him cash and he just put the whole bill on his debit card. The bill was over $25 though so he definitely bought both meals. *sigh* I ask how much this girl means to him and he couldn't answer me. I ask how old she is..."I dunno, maybe 25 or so?"...great mid life crisis man going for a younger woman. I just can't take this shit and shouldn't have to.

So...fast forward, we talk alot, resolve some things, some things remain unresolved, but we have a nice weekend together after talking more, working through more things. He tells me today that he's planning on doing his overtime on Saturdays now. Until this point....OT was NEVER To be done on Saturdays. He had his committments to work at the hospital, I work on Saturdays, we have the kids, he enjoys his weekends too much to be working half days on Saturdays, etc etc etc. So he's been working late in the evenings instead when there's OT. Usually on Tuesday evenings, but now it's become "better" for him to work Saturdays. Timing sucks since I won't be working Saturdays in March at all since my branch is closing. Feb 21st was our last Satruday to be open and I won't have to work Saturdays until I get assigned to a new branch in April. So I can only assume that Ashley puts in her OT on Saturdays as well. (or some of his other "friends" maybe??) /shrug

He also has a burning desire to make a huge meatloaf to "leave at work" to eat all week. Now, his meal on Friday was just stolen, WTF does he think is going to happen to a whole meatloaf?? I know darn well he's making a huge meatloaf to share with co-workers.

I told him that maybe his Mom's boyfriend's WIFE is ok with him spending his time and money on her, but I am NOT ok with him spending his time and money on another woman. It's just not right.

I thought things were getting better...who am I kidding??~!?

God love Danny Goeke

You know, the American Idol contestant? He's unbelievably talented...and an inspiration.

Danny is the epitome of what it means to "let go" and move on. He wrote in his blog about the crud that takes hold of your heart: Bitterness, anger, hatred, etc. It takes hold, breeds, and expands. It consumes you. You have to let go of those emotions in order to move on.

That's not as easy as it sounds though. Today, I'm trying to "let go". Let go of those feelings, not my relationship. I'm done feeling sorry for myself and hating HU for wanting to be with others more than me and hating myself for not seeing signs every other person I talk to sees. (Love is blind, yes?) Granted, they see the situation through my eyes, so therein could be the problem.

So it's time. I need to let love back in. I need to let kindness take over. I need to be me again. Where did I go?

Therapy...revelaing

So I go to a therapy session with my daughter and ex. Daughter says things are going ok except she's having problems with HU. *sigh*

She says I'm changing/have changed and that I give in to him even when I know it's wrong to do so. DO I?? yikes...have I lost that much of myself in trying to please him, honor him, respect him?? I think I have. I have to get ME back. I am an assertive strong woman...problem is, I want to please everyone. Everyone but me. I'm the provider and caretaker, mother and counselor, doctor and .. whatever else there is to BE.

She says HU argues all the time, curses too much, and all the kids (even his own) are tired of being treated that way.

I'm glad she feels comfortable saying things like this to her therapist and in front of me (just wish it hadn't been in front of the ex, but I'm glad for her comfort level). I just hope that it was due to his unhappiness here that he was acting this way and not because I had blinders on all this time.

God grant me patience...

Don't mind me...I'm just rambling

Another day, another ... day I guess.

I asked HU to call me when he got home. He texted me. GODDAMNIT I have HEARD your voice all day I want to TALK to you, not TYPE to you!!! *sigh*

I had stepped out to Mom's to drop off some tax stuff for my dad to look over. They smoke...alot. I smelled awful when I got home and HU wanted to go out for dinner, so I jumped in the shower. He came in with me and it was nice. It's been a long time since there was any passion, why do we have to go through a world of hurt to rekindle that??

We talked...and talked. I'm tired of talking (and I love to talk!). Not sure he gets it, but we'll see. All I want is some respect and love. Something that makes it obvious to others that he cares about me. I mean like...going out in the morning and scraping the frost off my car windows while I sleep in kinda love. Just being KIND to me. *sigh* We'll see.

I have to take steps to take care of ME right now and just not care what he says/does or what he DOESN'T say/do. That sucks. He's my husband, I'm supposed to care. =/

*sigh*

Yet another dissapointment.

Haven't heard from the "HU" (husband unit as I'll refer to him from now on) all day. After I called him a bit earlier and got his voicemail, I send him a text:

ME: Hello?
Him: Hi
Him: Didn't feel the phone. Had to run to bk for food. Eating now

So I dial him up...most folks can eat and talk at the same time, yes? So I ask him did he get my email...yeah, but ...blah (lame ass excuse for not answering my email--didn't read the whole thing yet--it wasn't that long and just say, will answer this in a bit! grrr! ) blah... He asks can he call me back so he can finish eating. Sure.

Nothing.

Nice.

*sigh*

So the story goes...

Take care of yourself first so that you can take care of others.

Remember the last time you flew in an airplane? That snooty little blonde airline "attendant" gave you instructions to put the oxygen on yourself then fasten your child's?? That's what I need to do...not listen to the blonde, just take care of myself. He looks out for A-#1, right? It's high time for me to do the same.

I've made an appointment to see a doctor. My stomach is ripped apart from all this stress and I haven't eaten substantially or slept much in about 5 days. I half hope and pray he gives me some xanex or something to calm my nerves...then again, how will I know when it's appropriate to take them? I don't want to be a zombie, but I don't want to be like this anymore either...

I've mad an appointment with a therapist, too. I need to learn healthier ways to deal with stress.

I went to the gym today and renewed my membership there. Worked out on the elliptical for 10 mins (gotta start slow, don't judge me!) :) and then walked on the track a few times around. They say exercise is a good stress reliever...I may end up looking like a buff Arnold Schwartzenegger by the time this is all done if so. We'll see.

More action needed, less "talk" please

I've started typing out my own divorce papers. We talked and talked and talked, neither is willing to budge at this point.

He won't see how going out with other women just isn't right...after all, they're "just friends". He doesn't see that *I* used to be that person he wanted to spend time with. He said it's because I was the only person he knew here. Ouch.

My concerns aren't valid and don't matter. His needs are all that matters. He said last night that he gave up everything to be with me...all his friends. I know that...I warned him to be sure he wanted to do that.

I DO have trust issues. I DO have jealous issues. I DO have fear of losing him issues. Those aren't the I DO's that I choose to focus on when I think about being married though. Nor should I have to. Being married is work. It's committment. It's hard. It's putting other people's needs before your own. It's responsibility. It's being beside that person, no matter what.

Bottom line, I told him he could see a slasher movie (because I won't go to those) with a friend who is a female, but that's it. That's all I'll give him right now because I can't give any more.

I need to get a hobby of my own... *sigh*

How to forgive...

Just don't care. That's the only way really. If you care about someone, it's REALLY hard to forgive when they've wronged you. You just can't fathom how they could hurt you so bad if they cared at all about you.

In order for me to forgive my husband for going on a "DATE" with another woman, I really can't CARE what he does, or who he does it with. But, I'm not sure I can NOT care about my husband. The man I married and vowed to be with through everything. This is one thing I'm not sure I can "be with him" on...him "seeing" other women. He says they're just friends and it "SUCKS that he can't have a friend just because she's a woman". To a certain extent I agree...but there are limits and boundaries.

I agreed to "allow" him to go to movies with "friends" no matter what they have/don't have in their pants. That's all I agreed to though. Friday night was "HIS night out"...he wasn't going to be home until after 10pm. He led me to believe he was working overtime. He did...30 minutes. He and ASHLEY had hours to kill until the 8:10 showing of "Friday the 13th", so they decided to go to a great little pizza place that his FAMILY goes to frequently, Nick & Elenas. Did he call me to see what *I* was doing for dinner? No. He was LITERALLY down the street from his home where his WIFE was taking care of HIS (not mine!) daughter. Did he invited us to meet him there? No. If she's "just a friend" ... why the hell not?

This, my friends, was a mother fucking date. It was not two friends going to a show that I agreed to. This was dinner and a movie. He paid for her ticket. Got it the night before. He doesn't plan that well for me, why the FUCK does he need to do that for her? We go to the show, I pay. I'm sorry, but I .. am.. betrayed.

I told him yesterday that I sure hope ASHLEY is worth it, that the hacker/slasher movie was worth it. Because he's ruining our relationship by inviting this shit in. He of course says I'm overreacting. Sorry the day before Valentine's day he takes another woman out to dinner and a movie. I got NOTHING from him and when I asked him about it, he said "Valentine's day is just another day...nothing special"...I lost it. I told him it meant something to me, so that alone should make it special.

oh ...and by the way...he's never ONCE mentioned Ashley when talking about folks from work. Not ONCE. He talks about other folks all the time. Pam, Tracey, Janet, Barb...and I've met all of them. Not ONCE has he said ANYTHING about anyone named Ashley.

I asked him why he bought her ticket..."because she bought my lunch so I owed her money anyway"...*sigh* Do you know how many times he's turned down my invitation to lunch over the last 3 weeks??? But he can manage to go to lunch with her, or ask her to bring something back when she goes out or whatever? It's ...just...not...RIGHT. But I'm just supposed to sit back and love him and give him sex whenever he wants and faun all over him all the time?

I think....it's over. Not sure I can forgive all this hurt, nor do I think he wants me to.

Well...

I left...and I just went driving. I drove down highway 70 with no destination in mind at all. I got as far as Columbia, MO and ALMOST went to Kansas City, but turned around and came back. "Talking" to him the whole way I was driving. It was almost a 4 hour conversation of ... nothing. Me saying things he wasn't hearing. Him blaming me for all that's wrong in our relationship. Me hurting more and more as he talked about how "important" it is to him to have other friends that are women. How I'm just secluding him and keeping him at home, when the reality is he's gone more than he's here.

I told him if he wants a roommate he can pay half of everything. If he wants a fuckbuddy...that aint who I am, or will ever be for him. If he wants a WIFE, he needs to put my needs before his own and respect my wishes as much as I have to respect his.

It's the last straw really. I hope we can mend things, but he's not willing to go to counselling, and I'm sure he won't be changing anytime soon. So, I either have to allow him to live his life, let him come and go as he pleases and "TRUST" him, or let him go completely. I'm ready to take door #2 if necessary...I just hope he can change and realize door #1 isn't really an option for me. I'd rather have the curtain, Bob, that reveals a partnership and a relationship of communication and love.

*spins the wheel to see where it lands* Sad, huh? *sigh* That's how it all feels right now though. Completely nothing I can do about it, because I can't NOT care about him, where he is, or what he's doing/who he's doing it with. I can't NOT love him. He said its bordering obsession...I call it CARING about the person I love. I can't believe a man who is away more than he is home could possibly feel "smothered". If he does, clearly this isn't the relationship for him.

I can't take anymore really....I'm *THIS* close to a nervous breakdown if I'm not there already. I cry all the time. I'm miserable. After our talk today...either things will change, or they won't. Either way, I'm ready for what lies ahead. =/

Oh yeah...Happy Valentine's Day

I think I'm going out for the day...won't tell him where I'm going or when I'll be back. I've already packed a bag, so maybe I'll head out of town and just ... BE.

Happy Valentine's Day....yeah right. *sigh*

When your sanity hangs by a thread...

It's best not to pull too hard.
I'm at a complete loss. My husband, who is supposed to love me unconditionally, has decided he has a burning need for social interaction that is yet to be satisfied. When I last posted, we had a huge "discussion" about a lot of different things. He disclosed to me that I am "stifling him" and he thinks it's ridiculous that he can't have a friend of the female persuasion.
Last night, he went out with someone that he works with. And although I'm OK with him actually going to a movie with a girl that is a friend, he lied to me about a lot of the details. How am I supposed to trust him?

• Detail #1: He said he was probably not going to make the early show and would need to go to the 8pm one and he guessed he would work overtime to "fill the gap".
• Fact #1: He left work after a whopping 30 minutes of OT, and bought his tickets THE NIGHT BEFORE...he knew all along he was going to the later show.
• Detail #2: He gave me NO indication that he was going to dinner with this person(s) (I still don't know who he went with)
• Fact #2: He went to dinner RIGHT DOWN THE STREET from the house and didn't think to call me and let me know, or ask if I wanted to join them for dinner. (No, I don't want to see Friday the 13th, but dinner out with friends is always nice)
  Nevermind the fact that I'm left home to care for HIS daughter (by his ex, not MY kid) who is also diabetic and a royal pain in the a$$. She is spoiled rotten and he doesn't care about the stress THAT puts me in either.
• Now he says he didn't "LIE" since he said he MAY work overtime, never said he was going to. Yet he didn't bother to call me all day, or message me that plans changed etc. He led me to believe one thing then did another.
• Detail #3: He also just sold his RC car to a friend. Last I heard, he was thinking about it. Next thing I know...Ian's coming over to pick it up. No discussion about how much to sell it for, what payment arrangements had been made, etc. When I told him I wasn't happy about that, he said, "now I have to ask PERMISSION to sell my things??" I replied, "NO, but it *was* a financial decision that we should have made TOGETHER...just like the anniversary band (that I LOVE, it's a GORGEOUS ring) that I was considering selling. I talked to you about it, I didn't just go do it."
• Fact #3: I'm not supposed to "butt in" to "HIS business"
• Detail #4: I asked him yesterday for his monthly contribution to our financials ... a whopping $125/month this guy gives me ... I was told he wasn't sure if he had it, he has bills to pay.
• Fact #4: He supposedly has at least $100 put aside for me to frame a print he gave me for Christmas. It's still not framed, he hasn't given me the money. He told me to go do it and he'll pay me back. I'm sure he's hoping I'll do it cheaper than $100 and he can keep the difference...Merry Fucking Christmas to me huh? He also has money in savings and in his daughter's savings that he could have tapped into until he's paid again. Not to mention the fact that he literraly JUST SOLD his RC car to his friend so I know he has that money as well. "I didn't think about that" he told me when I asked him about that... Fact #4a: I asked him for my money, he HAD the means to give it to me, and he refused. Some partnership...
• Detail #5: He measures the "success" of a relationship by how much intercourse he gets to partake in.
• Fact #5: He actually got ANGRY at ME for not wanting to have sex with him the night my ex served me with papers about custody changes. Gee...I'm sorry, I'm a bit stressed and upset right now! Again, it's all about HIM and HIS needs...nevermind me or mine.
• Detail #6: I got REALLY messed up drunk one time at a happy hour (the one and ONLY time I drank to excess)...I was told that I called him to come pick me up I didn't think I could drive.
• Fact #6: He was already in bed and wouldn't come get me...I attempted to drive home and wrecked the car. Thank GOD it wasn't worse...
  

From the start, I ignored the fact that he puts everyone and everything aside to focus on only himself. I also ignored the "signs" that he cares very little about me and how much he's been using me.

When I need him, he's not there. When I need support and encouragement, he's elsewhere. When I need to discuss something, I can't even finish a sentence before he tries to twist things into being my fault for (ultimately) not giving him enough sex.
Now...while my sanity hangs by a thread, I'm at a loss about what to do. I still love him (I think???) and don't want this relationship to end. But, he's not going to change and I'm not sure that I even care anymore if he does or not. Which means, I guess, that I AM ready for the relationship to end, even if I don't WANT it to.

I'm tired of fighting all the time. I'm tired of dealing with his high maintenance daughter when he obviously doesn't want to. I'm tired of the stress and pressure it's putting on me and MY kids. I'm just tired.

And now for something completely different....

I found an old link to my nephew's blog....and actually *remembered* how to add it to my subscriptions here. Guess you CAN teach an old dog new tricks...

That being said, I really am quite proud of Jared and his many talents. He may not realize it, and I know I haven't said it enough (ever to him directly??) but he is one cool kid. Ok, he's not a kid at all anymore, but I still think of him as MY nephew...and if he's still a kid to me, I'm still young.

Jared's talents span so many different areas I can't even begin to fathom how he can possibly BE so talented and creative. I'm actually pretty envious. From artwork, to playwriting, to songwriting, to directing and acting...and he's wonderful at them ALL.