I'm finally starting to really get settled in at work. Things are calming down a bit for me there.
If I could just get my personal life under control that'd be amazing. HU and I got into a big argument this evening over ... Facebook of all things. I posted a message that I won't be checking my facebook page for...awhile. He asked why. I told him because I don't need to see him "flirting" and making lunch dates with other women. It hurts too much and he just wants to blame me for being "ridiculous".
I'm tired of my feelings being dismissed by him and made to feel like my feelings don't matter. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like an outsider in my own life.
Worst part is: I can't talk to him at all anymore without it turning into a huge all out disagreement. We have NOTHING in common and I'm not sure I enjoy his company at all anymore.
I'm just tired. All I wanted to do was remove the facebook IN YOUR FACE at me from my life so I can focus on the important things. Life's too short to be unhappy.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
New Branch, new challenges..
Well...I'm officially "settled" into my new office. As settled as I can be considering I've been thrown in there with no training on new systems and am flying by the seat of my pants. LOL
All in all, it's a beautiful branch and I'm having fun getting to know the employees there. They're really a great bunch of folks that work like well oiled machine. They have great teamwork, so 1/2 my battle is won already. Now I just have to justify to the big guys that I need more help. We'll see but that likely won't happen for a couple of months if at all.
Steph has been in her room all night. HU is out working overtime and supposedly going by home depot on his way home to get the last bit of trim we need to finish off the living room.
Michelle is still ... distant...toward me and I can't help but feeling like I missed many opportunities to have a great relationship with her because I have to be focused on work and other issues in my life. She senses the disconnects between HU and myself I know, and she's naturally scared and unhappy and wants to escape that reality I'm sure. *sigh*
For now, I'm taking everything one day at a time and feeling like I'm just trying to wade over to the shallow end from nearly drowning to death just a few short days ago. Funny thing...I used to love to swim.
All in all, it's a beautiful branch and I'm having fun getting to know the employees there. They're really a great bunch of folks that work like well oiled machine. They have great teamwork, so 1/2 my battle is won already. Now I just have to justify to the big guys that I need more help. We'll see but that likely won't happen for a couple of months if at all.
Steph has been in her room all night. HU is out working overtime and supposedly going by home depot on his way home to get the last bit of trim we need to finish off the living room.
Michelle is still ... distant...toward me and I can't help but feeling like I missed many opportunities to have a great relationship with her because I have to be focused on work and other issues in my life. She senses the disconnects between HU and myself I know, and she's naturally scared and unhappy and wants to escape that reality I'm sure. *sigh*
For now, I'm taking everything one day at a time and feeling like I'm just trying to wade over to the shallow end from nearly drowning to death just a few short days ago. Funny thing...I used to love to swim.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Long time no post
Things have been ... crazy here lately. Must be why I feel like that's where I'm going.
Branch officially closed on Tuesday. Wednesday was spent cleaning up and clearing out last minute supplies. Spent a little time at the new branch Wednesday afternoon (about 2 hours or so) trying to get settled in. First day at the new branch was on Thursday. I had a Board meeting on Thursday, so that was a major interruption into getting settled in. Thursday and Friday were slammed busy and I'm just not used to that kind of lobby traffic. There's also a "penalty box" front desk area that had to be manned at all times by two people. Phones ring, folks interrupt you no matter what you're doing, and you're expected to give exceptional service to all of them all the time. I really hate the penalty box... All this coupled with the fact that I have a small staff (inadequate in number to handle the traffic) and they're not actively seeking to fill the two part time positions I have open right now. *sigh* I'm not very happy...I was excited to be moving to new challenges, but now, I'm really not happy. I HOPE that the traffic slows a little bit and this last week was just the "OMFG! My old branch is CLOSED! I need to rush over to the new place and check it out!!" frenzy that will fade away a bit. I also think some of the increased traffic was just from it being a bad time of the month to do this change over. We'll see...I feel like I've been thrown to the wolves. My lead teller is on vacation. My assistant manager is going on comp Monday afternoon and I have NO clue how to even run a teller station here at this new place because it's completly high tech and I haven't been trained how to used the cash dispensers or RTS units. I'm nervous and in unfamiliar territory and it's NOT where I wanted to be while going through so much else in my personal life right now...
I cried myself to sleep on Thursday night. Michelle wants to go live with her dad because that's the easy place to be. She and I have a decent relationship, but he's like her best buddy....which is honestly great, but I want so badly to have that with her. Guess I'm a bit jealous of that, but honestly, I truly believe that I'm helping to prepare her for her future, not just "playing" in the present. I'm not sure I can have the kind of relationship with her I want, at least not now, especially since he's filled her head full of crap and allows her all the freedoms she wants. I want to protect and help her while making her happy, he just wants to make her happy. She thinks I'm the enemy just trying to fill her full of medicine that won't help her anyway. Nevermind the fact her moods were under control and she was reasonable when on her meds properly before...She had some psych testing done and the Dr. spoke to the ex and told him she has some learning difficulties and specifically mentioned to him dyslexia. (I'm getting all this from him though, so who knows what else she's said....) We're supposed to meet with her on the 27th and get some results in detail then.
HU and I are still on the outs frequently. I'm tired of trying to make things work and patch things up while he wants to continue to live his life without me being included. I swear I think I'm going mental. I feel obsessed in finding things out and needing even more information now more than ever. I've never felt so insecure, yet he assures me I have nothing to worry about or be insecure over. It's like I'm just waiting for the bomb to drop and I don't like it.
I'm almost the big 40, my body is starting to look it. The grey hair comes in faster, and I've no energy for much of anything.
I went to dinner Friday night with my best friend and a couple other folks we went to high school with. It was nice, but I found myself sitting there wondering ... WTF happened to me??? Lynn is married, has two beautiful boys and spoke about their family biking on the Katy Trail. Sandy is competing in a 13 mile marathon has a son and a husband who's a personal trainer. Dana has three kids a husband who owns his own business and went on and on about her kids and all the activities they're involved in. I can barely get my kids out the door to go eat, much less be involved in anything. Michelle's in the band, John isn't involved in anything. WTF kind of parent have I been really? I'm just trying to make enough money to keep the household running and I don't have a kind of job that allows me to run kids all over creation. I simply don't know how they do it.
I have been extremely depressed and out of it. I want my husband's attention...he's out hunting for ghosts this eve. *sigh*
I have two more evaluations to write by the 15th of this month. I hope I can get them done.
Branch officially closed on Tuesday. Wednesday was spent cleaning up and clearing out last minute supplies. Spent a little time at the new branch Wednesday afternoon (about 2 hours or so) trying to get settled in. First day at the new branch was on Thursday. I had a Board meeting on Thursday, so that was a major interruption into getting settled in. Thursday and Friday were slammed busy and I'm just not used to that kind of lobby traffic. There's also a "penalty box" front desk area that had to be manned at all times by two people. Phones ring, folks interrupt you no matter what you're doing, and you're expected to give exceptional service to all of them all the time. I really hate the penalty box... All this coupled with the fact that I have a small staff (inadequate in number to handle the traffic) and they're not actively seeking to fill the two part time positions I have open right now. *sigh* I'm not very happy...I was excited to be moving to new challenges, but now, I'm really not happy. I HOPE that the traffic slows a little bit and this last week was just the "OMFG! My old branch is CLOSED! I need to rush over to the new place and check it out!!" frenzy that will fade away a bit. I also think some of the increased traffic was just from it being a bad time of the month to do this change over. We'll see...I feel like I've been thrown to the wolves. My lead teller is on vacation. My assistant manager is going on comp Monday afternoon and I have NO clue how to even run a teller station here at this new place because it's completly high tech and I haven't been trained how to used the cash dispensers or RTS units. I'm nervous and in unfamiliar territory and it's NOT where I wanted to be while going through so much else in my personal life right now...
I cried myself to sleep on Thursday night. Michelle wants to go live with her dad because that's the easy place to be. She and I have a decent relationship, but he's like her best buddy....which is honestly great, but I want so badly to have that with her. Guess I'm a bit jealous of that, but honestly, I truly believe that I'm helping to prepare her for her future, not just "playing" in the present. I'm not sure I can have the kind of relationship with her I want, at least not now, especially since he's filled her head full of crap and allows her all the freedoms she wants. I want to protect and help her while making her happy, he just wants to make her happy. She thinks I'm the enemy just trying to fill her full of medicine that won't help her anyway. Nevermind the fact her moods were under control and she was reasonable when on her meds properly before...She had some psych testing done and the Dr. spoke to the ex and told him she has some learning difficulties and specifically mentioned to him dyslexia. (I'm getting all this from him though, so who knows what else she's said....) We're supposed to meet with her on the 27th and get some results in detail then.
HU and I are still on the outs frequently. I'm tired of trying to make things work and patch things up while he wants to continue to live his life without me being included. I swear I think I'm going mental. I feel obsessed in finding things out and needing even more information now more than ever. I've never felt so insecure, yet he assures me I have nothing to worry about or be insecure over. It's like I'm just waiting for the bomb to drop and I don't like it.
I'm almost the big 40, my body is starting to look it. The grey hair comes in faster, and I've no energy for much of anything.
I went to dinner Friday night with my best friend and a couple other folks we went to high school with. It was nice, but I found myself sitting there wondering ... WTF happened to me??? Lynn is married, has two beautiful boys and spoke about their family biking on the Katy Trail. Sandy is competing in a 13 mile marathon has a son and a husband who's a personal trainer. Dana has three kids a husband who owns his own business and went on and on about her kids and all the activities they're involved in. I can barely get my kids out the door to go eat, much less be involved in anything. Michelle's in the band, John isn't involved in anything. WTF kind of parent have I been really? I'm just trying to make enough money to keep the household running and I don't have a kind of job that allows me to run kids all over creation. I simply don't know how they do it.
I have been extremely depressed and out of it. I want my husband's attention...he's out hunting for ghosts this eve. *sigh*
I have two more evaluations to write by the 15th of this month. I hope I can get them done.
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