Through all of my stress and turmoil, my self-inflicted frenzy of frustration, my Mom has been my sounding board and I love her.
My very good friend Kathy's mom passed away recently (back in March) and it hit home for me...I hope I have many more years to come with my Mom, but I know she won't be here forever.
I call her almost daily and she lets me drone on and on about all the goings on here. I call her when I need a recipe or cooking advice, I call her when I need nothing at all. Sometimes I go days without calling her and she starts to worry if eveyrthing's ok.
Today I called her and she was on the gambling boat with her sister. My Aunt, God love her too, has even more to deal with than I do I think. So although I had some more stress to spew out of me, I told her to have a great time, to tell MFA (my favorite Aunt)hello, good luck, and no, nothing's new, I was just checking in. She was there for fun, I wanted her to have it. Time I stop being so selfish.
She's kept me somewhat sane through all of this...she still loves me when I snap at her without meaning to, and she and my Dad have been super supportive of me in all of my ups and downs.
In just about two weeks, I'll be going with my oldest sister and my mom to visit my middle sister near Kansas City. Theresa and Mom go to visit Ronda every year, but I haven't been able to go for one reason or another. I've gone by myself with the kids, or with Eric to visit Ronda, but haven't been able to make the annual trip with Theresa and Mom yet. This will be the first year, and I'm excited to spend the time...just us girls with Mom. Mom's warned me that we're just going to relax, they don't do anything but visit and sit outside (sounds HEAVENLY right now), but secretly I hope the four of us do something fun...at least one event to remember the trip by. Even if we don't, I'll bring some board games, there's always cards, and maybe we'll look through some old photos or something.
All in all, I just wanted to end the night on a positive, uplifting note, and I hope to blog soon about the great trip I was able to take with my mom spending time with her and my sisters! <3
Friday, May 21, 2010
And one more thing...
Just because I want to document that this happened, so later when I'm in the nuthouse, you all dear readers will know why.
After coming home late one night from work, Eric decided he just HAD to go to the store and get something...yogurt and food for his "diet" or something, I forget now what it was. But he had to go all the way to the grocery for it...wasn't anything he could just pick up at QT. And since he was going to Schnucks, he was going to stop at Home Depot and pickup a part for the back screen door that was broke. Now, normally, I wouldn't mind. Gimme a kiss goodbye, I'll see you when you get home. THIS PARTICULAR night, however, Michelle was gone (but on her way home from a school event) John was home with me, Steph was outside on the porch swing. THIS PARTICULAR Friday night...we had a torrential downpour of rain, hail, and tornados in the area. Yet he couldn't wait until morning to go out and pickup a few things from the grocery.
Mind you, his work building is in a parking lot which is adjacent to a Schnucks grocery and he could've stopped on his way TO or FROM work the next day if needed.
So...not only did he go out, but he went out in the worst storm of the season so far. Tornado sirens were going off, actual sightings of twisters in our area were being reported. Not only did HE go, but he TOOK STEPH WITH HIM! AND left her damn insulin bag here in the house!!!! >.< (remember I said she was outside on the porch swing....she said I want to come, he said ok let's go...she hopped in the car and they took off) He came back with a few things, but nothing that couldn't have waited until the morning.
Now I ask you...WHO DOES THAT?!!??!? (other than professional storm chasers...)
Not only goes out into a storm driving around, but takes their DIABETIC 12 year old daughter with them and doesn't check to be sure her insulin is present?!?!
The "what-ifs" haunted me until they arrived home. And he just couldn't understand what I was so bent out of shape over... *sigh*
Miraculously, yet I don't know how, I have managed to stay out of a straight jacket and my blood pressure is still good...
After coming home late one night from work, Eric decided he just HAD to go to the store and get something...yogurt and food for his "diet" or something, I forget now what it was. But he had to go all the way to the grocery for it...wasn't anything he could just pick up at QT. And since he was going to Schnucks, he was going to stop at Home Depot and pickup a part for the back screen door that was broke. Now, normally, I wouldn't mind. Gimme a kiss goodbye, I'll see you when you get home. THIS PARTICULAR night, however, Michelle was gone (but on her way home from a school event) John was home with me, Steph was outside on the porch swing. THIS PARTICULAR Friday night...we had a torrential downpour of rain, hail, and tornados in the area. Yet he couldn't wait until morning to go out and pickup a few things from the grocery.
Mind you, his work building is in a parking lot which is adjacent to a Schnucks grocery and he could've stopped on his way TO or FROM work the next day if needed.
So...not only did he go out, but he went out in the worst storm of the season so far. Tornado sirens were going off, actual sightings of twisters in our area were being reported. Not only did HE go, but he TOOK STEPH WITH HIM! AND left her damn insulin bag here in the house!!!! >.< (remember I said she was outside on the porch swing....she said I want to come, he said ok let's go...she hopped in the car and they took off) He came back with a few things, but nothing that couldn't have waited until the morning.
Now I ask you...WHO DOES THAT?!!??!? (other than professional storm chasers...)
Not only goes out into a storm driving around, but takes their DIABETIC 12 year old daughter with them and doesn't check to be sure her insulin is present?!?!
The "what-ifs" haunted me until they arrived home. And he just couldn't understand what I was so bent out of shape over... *sigh*
Miraculously, yet I don't know how, I have managed to stay out of a straight jacket and my blood pressure is still good...
The old saying goes: never lend a friend money (and other rantings of a lunatic)
So my husband and I have these friends...Ian and Kim. Eric used to work with Ian, and Kim and I have become very good friends by our husbands hanging out together often.
Long story short, Eric lent Ian about $70. Ian promised to pay Eric by a certain time, but wasn't able to live up to that promise. It's not the first time either. In the past, when he owed Eric money they worked out some sort of bartering for computer parts, car race tickets, or some such nonsense so that Ian didn't have to pay cash money back, but Eric felt he got a fair deal out of the arrangemnet so it was all good. This time, there would be no bartering. Eric wanted to be paid cash money and Ian didn't have it by the promised date. It almost cost them their friendship. Eric would go on and on about how crappy it was for Ian to flake out and not pay as promised...and all the while, all I could think is: What a hypocrite!
You see, I guess it was ok that Eric didn't pay me the measley $125 that he gives me per month to help out with all the bills. (oh, he pays the ATT Uverse bill which is about $200/month, but that wasn't MY choice to set that up...it was his. Told him he could do whatever with the satelite/cable/uverse...he's paying the bill!) But I pay everything else. He pays me $125/month to help out...that doesn't even buy one week's worth of groceries, or the electric bill, or the cell phone bill. Don't get me wrong, it HELPS, but it's not nearly enough for all the expenses we have.
I make more money than he does, but he blows alot of his money, which infuriates me. I scrimp and penny-pinch and he buys ghosthunting gear or nascar tickets. Just last night he was looking for MMA tickets (mixed martial arts) ... while I'm trying to find a solution to how I'm going to NOT live on my credit cards. I really REALLY don't want to have to get a second job...and shouldn't have to :(
I feel like he's such a hypocrite and I just have no idea who he is anymore. He has to be on the go and spending money ALL THE TIME. I finally just told him, "you know, it sucks that Ian isn't paying you by the agreed upon date." Then I inserted sarcastic analogy to what Eric does to me here saying, "I hate when someone promises to pay you and they don't." (man, that felt so good!) Went on to say, "But it's not worth ruining your friendship over. If you don't like that he keeps doing this to you when he borrows money, then DON'T LEND HIM ANYMORE MONEY! You know he's good for it, and eventually you'll be paid, so chill out!" >.<
I'm so tired of his double standards in every aspect of his life I can hardly stand it anymore. Everything he does is ok if he does it (and/or benefits from it), but if I do (or anyone else does) the same thing, he gets all bent out of shape.
I guess the thing that bothers me the most...he HAS money tucked in savings for Stephanie to just SPEND. It's not saving for her college, her first car, or new clothes, it's her "allowance" and he builds it up for her and allows her to just SPEND it. Now this 12 year old has a digital camera, a Ninetendo SP, a Ninetendo DS, (wants a DSi *rolls eyes*), a computer in her room, tons of PC games, a modified x-box with a bajillion burned games...yet needs money to SPEND??
He put off ordering her a new pair of glasses when she LOST hers after sleeping over at a friend's and having them less than 2 weeks! because he didn't have the money. Uh...take it from her SPENDING money?!?! She NEEDS glasses, she doesn't NEED anything "fun". Everything she has, it's not enough. She goes around saying "I'm bored" all the time, which is enough to drive me absofuckinglutely bonkers.
There's just no sense of priority or of responsibilty to be more contributory to our household needs. And I think I'm just fed up. His rant about Ian not paying him really got to me...I fear it won't be long before I absolutely lose it.
Ian and Kim are like family to me now, and they treat me like I'm part of their family. I'd do anything to help them out if I could and I know they'd do the same for me (already have on some ocassions!)...I just couldn't believe he could be so apathetic toward them...and over $70 bucks??
It's really odd...the folks he should be connected to the most, family close friends, are the ones he craps on. His "friends" that I would call acquaintences, or his "friends" that I would call co-workers, he'll do just about anything for.
Maybe it's just me, but I really don't see how you're allowed to shit all over the folks that care about you the most, but bend over backwards to help out someone you barely know, but talk to on a semi-regular basis.
I am sick of seeing status updates by him on facebook and blackberry chat that are obviously meant for others. He tries to play it off, but I'm not stupid. He can't email me, call me, or text me...but he can update his facebook or blackberry messenger status regularly.
I'm the devil and "neglecting" him when I'm on the computer, but he's on until all hours of the night every day and that's ok. Tonight is the first night in over 3 weeks that I've been up past 10:30 and on the computer. I go to bed without him, and wake up to him groping me? I think not, sir. I'm NOT a morning person, and contrary to what ANYONE says...morning sex is NOT good. Bedtime sex is sexy and relaxing...morning sex is rushed, and full of morning breath.
Wow...I need to change the title to the post...how did we get here with this conversation?!?! LOL
Sure sign I better get to bed. Work in the morning and I fear it will be long weekend of aggravation and frustration. Best to get it started and overwith (as Michael Scott says) "ASAP as possible"!
Long story short, Eric lent Ian about $70. Ian promised to pay Eric by a certain time, but wasn't able to live up to that promise. It's not the first time either. In the past, when he owed Eric money they worked out some sort of bartering for computer parts, car race tickets, or some such nonsense so that Ian didn't have to pay cash money back, but Eric felt he got a fair deal out of the arrangemnet so it was all good. This time, there would be no bartering. Eric wanted to be paid cash money and Ian didn't have it by the promised date. It almost cost them their friendship. Eric would go on and on about how crappy it was for Ian to flake out and not pay as promised...and all the while, all I could think is: What a hypocrite!
You see, I guess it was ok that Eric didn't pay me the measley $125 that he gives me per month to help out with all the bills. (oh, he pays the ATT Uverse bill which is about $200/month, but that wasn't MY choice to set that up...it was his. Told him he could do whatever with the satelite/cable/uverse...he's paying the bill!) But I pay everything else. He pays me $125/month to help out...that doesn't even buy one week's worth of groceries, or the electric bill, or the cell phone bill. Don't get me wrong, it HELPS, but it's not nearly enough for all the expenses we have.
I make more money than he does, but he blows alot of his money, which infuriates me. I scrimp and penny-pinch and he buys ghosthunting gear or nascar tickets. Just last night he was looking for MMA tickets (mixed martial arts) ... while I'm trying to find a solution to how I'm going to NOT live on my credit cards. I really REALLY don't want to have to get a second job...and shouldn't have to :(
I feel like he's such a hypocrite and I just have no idea who he is anymore. He has to be on the go and spending money ALL THE TIME. I finally just told him, "you know, it sucks that Ian isn't paying you by the agreed upon date." Then I inserted sarcastic analogy to what Eric does to me here saying, "I hate when someone promises to pay you and they don't." (man, that felt so good!) Went on to say, "But it's not worth ruining your friendship over. If you don't like that he keeps doing this to you when he borrows money, then DON'T LEND HIM ANYMORE MONEY! You know he's good for it, and eventually you'll be paid, so chill out!" >.<
I'm so tired of his double standards in every aspect of his life I can hardly stand it anymore. Everything he does is ok if he does it (and/or benefits from it), but if I do (or anyone else does) the same thing, he gets all bent out of shape.
I guess the thing that bothers me the most...he HAS money tucked in savings for Stephanie to just SPEND. It's not saving for her college, her first car, or new clothes, it's her "allowance" and he builds it up for her and allows her to just SPEND it. Now this 12 year old has a digital camera, a Ninetendo SP, a Ninetendo DS, (wants a DSi *rolls eyes*), a computer in her room, tons of PC games, a modified x-box with a bajillion burned games...yet needs money to SPEND??
He put off ordering her a new pair of glasses when she LOST hers after sleeping over at a friend's and having them less than 2 weeks! because he didn't have the money. Uh...take it from her SPENDING money?!?! She NEEDS glasses, she doesn't NEED anything "fun". Everything she has, it's not enough. She goes around saying "I'm bored" all the time, which is enough to drive me absofuckinglutely bonkers.
There's just no sense of priority or of responsibilty to be more contributory to our household needs. And I think I'm just fed up. His rant about Ian not paying him really got to me...I fear it won't be long before I absolutely lose it.
Ian and Kim are like family to me now, and they treat me like I'm part of their family. I'd do anything to help them out if I could and I know they'd do the same for me (already have on some ocassions!)...I just couldn't believe he could be so apathetic toward them...and over $70 bucks??
It's really odd...the folks he should be connected to the most, family close friends, are the ones he craps on. His "friends" that I would call acquaintences, or his "friends" that I would call co-workers, he'll do just about anything for.
Maybe it's just me, but I really don't see how you're allowed to shit all over the folks that care about you the most, but bend over backwards to help out someone you barely know, but talk to on a semi-regular basis.
I am sick of seeing status updates by him on facebook and blackberry chat that are obviously meant for others. He tries to play it off, but I'm not stupid. He can't email me, call me, or text me...but he can update his facebook or blackberry messenger status regularly.
I'm the devil and "neglecting" him when I'm on the computer, but he's on until all hours of the night every day and that's ok. Tonight is the first night in over 3 weeks that I've been up past 10:30 and on the computer. I go to bed without him, and wake up to him groping me? I think not, sir. I'm NOT a morning person, and contrary to what ANYONE says...morning sex is NOT good. Bedtime sex is sexy and relaxing...morning sex is rushed, and full of morning breath.
Wow...I need to change the title to the post...how did we get here with this conversation?!?! LOL
Sure sign I better get to bed. Work in the morning and I fear it will be long weekend of aggravation and frustration. Best to get it started and overwith (as Michael Scott says) "ASAP as possible"!
Ranting
Beware...rant incoming!
I've been feeling like I'm at a major crossroads in my life. Lost, without direction, wondering what I'm supposed to do.
It's funny...my dog, Daisy, is a beagle. She killed two baby bunnies on Sunday. And although I felt bad for the poor defenseless little baby bunnies, I thought to myself, "Gee. I can't get mad at Daisy, it's what she was born to do" Then all of a sudden I wished I had such clear direction as to what I'm supposed to do with my life. My mom said I do have clear direction: Work and Stress. Guess it's better than killing baby bunnies, but not by much...
So I've just really felt like I'm an outsider looking in on my own life and wondering how in the hell I got here, why do I put up with the bullshit that I put up with, and what on earth could possibly be in store for me in the future. I don't know how much more of this I can take after all.
In all of this I can't help but feel ... ungreatful. I mean, I have a family, a home to live in, a decent job that pays well (though not nearly enough!)--more than so many folks can say these days--, and a nice car to get me to that job. I should be thankful for all of this, right? All of this, however comes with a price. The family comes with a pricetag of "insanity"...not so sure I'm willing to pay that much for it anymore... The job comes with a pricetag of "time"...I spend the majority of my life working and for what? The home of course comes with a literal pricetag of "responsibilty" of which no one else seems to want to pitch in on that one, but no one has trouble with reaping the benefits. And the car pricetag just keeps increasing due to gas prices...no "sales" here for sure!
So...I guess I'm like my beagle...sniffing out possibilities for a new/different (better?) life...I hope one day I'll catch my baby bunny.
I've been feeling like I'm at a major crossroads in my life. Lost, without direction, wondering what I'm supposed to do.
It's funny...my dog, Daisy, is a beagle. She killed two baby bunnies on Sunday. And although I felt bad for the poor defenseless little baby bunnies, I thought to myself, "Gee. I can't get mad at Daisy, it's what she was born to do" Then all of a sudden I wished I had such clear direction as to what I'm supposed to do with my life. My mom said I do have clear direction: Work and Stress. Guess it's better than killing baby bunnies, but not by much...
So I've just really felt like I'm an outsider looking in on my own life and wondering how in the hell I got here, why do I put up with the bullshit that I put up with, and what on earth could possibly be in store for me in the future. I don't know how much more of this I can take after all.
In all of this I can't help but feel ... ungreatful. I mean, I have a family, a home to live in, a decent job that pays well (though not nearly enough!)--more than so many folks can say these days--, and a nice car to get me to that job. I should be thankful for all of this, right? All of this, however comes with a price. The family comes with a pricetag of "insanity"...not so sure I'm willing to pay that much for it anymore... The job comes with a pricetag of "time"...I spend the majority of my life working and for what? The home of course comes with a literal pricetag of "responsibilty" of which no one else seems to want to pitch in on that one, but no one has trouble with reaping the benefits. And the car pricetag just keeps increasing due to gas prices...no "sales" here for sure!
So...I guess I'm like my beagle...sniffing out possibilities for a new/different (better?) life...I hope one day I'll catch my baby bunny.
Good Gravy, has it been that long?
I was thinking I needed to write something here again soon...apparently I've been thinking that for the last three months?!?!
So much has happened (and not happened) in that time frame I really don't know where to begin.
I vowed to keep my blogs a bit more positive this year so we'll start there this time:
The Chamber gig has been ok so far. Demanding and taxing on my time, but otherwise, no major catastrophes (yet...*knocks on anything wooden*) It's hard to keep the Board meetings on track and on time, but I do my best and from the feedback I get, I'm guess they go well. It's nice that folks commend me on my diplomacy when dealing with situations that come up, too. Sometimes I wish I were a bit less diplomatic and a bit more action-oriented. I feel like being the President this year, I should be doing more to "make a difference", but I don't know how I can take anything more on realistically.
Michelle. Things have been going along ok with Michelle. She still struggles in school with turning in work on time (or at all). She also is one of those kids who doesn't do well on tests, which, when combined with missing assignments equates to poor grades. She'd do ok if she just did her classwork and turned it in on time. /sigh But the good news here is...we're getting ALONG better. I have, for the most part, been able to talk to her. Unless it has to do with school, or her medicine (which she insists she doesn't need), we get along fine. I think (hope?) she's slowly realizing I'm not the enemy...
John. He's doing well in Boy Scouts, still enjoying it, so I keep encouraging it. It's good for him to have the social interaction with others. His grades have started slipping, but not terribly. He loves his hamster and he stays out of the drama that the girls seem to perpetuate. Quite simply, he's the glue that holds me together.
Steph. Up to her old tricks. Lies to the nurse at school in order to get snacks. She told the nurse her blood sugar level was 68...Nurse happened to check the meter and she was over 200. Pizza missing from the fridge here at home, she's over 200, yet denies eating it at all. We're in the process of working with a lawyer to get custody, not sure how that's going to play out, but I'll jump off that bridge when I get there...
Eric. Went to Chicago last weekend and began to have leg pain. Went to the ER when he got home on Sunday. They found a blockage (small) in his leg and will be doing more tests to find out why he's prone to getting clots. More on him in the rant section. He did get a nice floral arrangement delivered to work for mother's day... tulips.
Me. Feeling every day more and more "lost". Just lost. Like I don't belong in this life I'm in. Like I'm working in a coal mine that just collapsed and I'm trying desperately to get through and find some sort of light at the end of the tunnel...There have to be some diamonds in all this coal....
So much has happened (and not happened) in that time frame I really don't know where to begin.
I vowed to keep my blogs a bit more positive this year so we'll start there this time:
The Chamber gig has been ok so far. Demanding and taxing on my time, but otherwise, no major catastrophes (yet...*knocks on anything wooden*) It's hard to keep the Board meetings on track and on time, but I do my best and from the feedback I get, I'm guess they go well. It's nice that folks commend me on my diplomacy when dealing with situations that come up, too. Sometimes I wish I were a bit less diplomatic and a bit more action-oriented. I feel like being the President this year, I should be doing more to "make a difference", but I don't know how I can take anything more on realistically.
Michelle. Things have been going along ok with Michelle. She still struggles in school with turning in work on time (or at all). She also is one of those kids who doesn't do well on tests, which, when combined with missing assignments equates to poor grades. She'd do ok if she just did her classwork and turned it in on time. /sigh But the good news here is...we're getting ALONG better. I have, for the most part, been able to talk to her. Unless it has to do with school, or her medicine (which she insists she doesn't need), we get along fine. I think (hope?) she's slowly realizing I'm not the enemy...
John. He's doing well in Boy Scouts, still enjoying it, so I keep encouraging it. It's good for him to have the social interaction with others. His grades have started slipping, but not terribly. He loves his hamster and he stays out of the drama that the girls seem to perpetuate. Quite simply, he's the glue that holds me together.
Steph. Up to her old tricks. Lies to the nurse at school in order to get snacks. She told the nurse her blood sugar level was 68...Nurse happened to check the meter and she was over 200. Pizza missing from the fridge here at home, she's over 200, yet denies eating it at all. We're in the process of working with a lawyer to get custody, not sure how that's going to play out, but I'll jump off that bridge when I get there...
Eric. Went to Chicago last weekend and began to have leg pain. Went to the ER when he got home on Sunday. They found a blockage (small) in his leg and will be doing more tests to find out why he's prone to getting clots. More on him in the rant section. He did get a nice floral arrangement delivered to work for mother's day... tulips.
Me. Feeling every day more and more "lost". Just lost. Like I don't belong in this life I'm in. Like I'm working in a coal mine that just collapsed and I'm trying desperately to get through and find some sort of light at the end of the tunnel...There have to be some diamonds in all this coal....
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