Same stuff...different day

The drywall has one more day of work to do then we're ready to paint. I'm really looking forward to some COLOR in the living room and I'm excited to see my "vision" become reality.

I still feel completely lost amidst a family that is nothing like what I ever imagined my family to be.

Michelle's birthday is today, and she's gone to her dad's for spring break week. I yelled at her this morning about what she was wearing and she was really disrespectful to me the last few days. I feel horrible about it all now and have apologized, but I'm really tired of being stretched so thin that every little thing upsets me.

Today HU and I went to lunch...just penn station sandwhiches, nothing special. It was a nice time, but I left feeling empty inside. He talked about his work and meetings coming up about attendance...he talked about Pam and how she's been upset at work every day...in a bad mood all the time from all the mandatory overtime. I talked a bit about Michelle and the incident this morning and he just wanted to put a kabash on Michelle's relationship with her boyfriend as "punishment" for her disrespectful nature. Right now, I don't think she's taking her medicine regularly and her moods have been sporadic and up and down. HU asked me to smile as I left and I just couldn't bring myself to.

I'm sad, depressed, and very lonely. As soon as we got home this evening, HU went right to his computer and logged on Facebook. He's so interested in connecting with friends of his past that his present and future is beign pushed aside. Hey, it's cool to connect back with old friends...I just don't like that 85% of his "old friends" are girls. I hate being jealous, and I hate being ... left out? alone? neglected?

Waiting...

Waiting for my family to be ready to go.

Eric and I are going to the AMA Motocross event this eve and the kids are going to my sister's for the night. We're doing Michelle's birthday tomorrow so it was just easier for them to spend the night. Michelle of course doesn't want to stay the night because she's "too old" to be babysat. I explained her Aunt wants to spend time with her...she still doesn't want to stay the night. =/

I'm looking forward to this event, though I have pretty much no interest in the event itself. I just want to have a good time with my husband again. It's been so long since we've had that. Hope I can muster up enough enthusiasm for the event to make it enjoyable for him...

Stephanie's in Vegas until Friday and Michelle and John will be at their dad's starting Monday morning. We'll have the house to ourselves for 5 days. Too bad it's going to be filled with construction and paint and floor laying. lol I'll be so glad when this living room is done!

It's been 13 days...

Must be my SUCKY (not lucky) number.

In the last two weeks:

Purchased a sofa
Started remodeling the living room
Began proceedings to spend $1850 to get Michelle tested psychologically (o.O)
Worked as a teller/FSR since they keep taking my staff from me too early...

I'm tired of feeling overworked and underappreciated.

Haven't heard from my husband ALL day and I sent him an email asking him to do ONE thing for me: Contact the contractor to set up some work for tomorrow. It's 3:30pm and I call Jeremy the contractor who, nope, hadn't heard from HU yet. Surprise, surprise. Gee, what could he have been doing for an HOUR during his lunch? Spending over $20 at a Chinese restraunt for one...guess he decided lunch with a friend was more important than something I asked him to do. I am SO SICK of coming second to him it's not even funny.

I'm tired, crabby, frustrated, angry, and just want this month to be over with so I can start fresh at my new branch.

More later, off to a band concert for now. Hopefully better than the freaking orchestra concert nightmare from last week...

Changes

They don't have to be bad...but they are hard.

My branch closes in less than a month. What I thought would be a nice "transition phase" to the new one located 2 miles east of my current location is now going to be a case where I'm "thrown in" to a new staff, new setup, and new challenges. It will be interesting to say the least.

The current manager at OLB will go to Wentzville....Wentzville manager will go to Cave Spring....Cave Springs manager will go to North County....North County manager will go to Greenway Chase...Greenway Chase manager is going to ... Automated Services manager (back office). o.O

Who knew one branch closing and one back office manager retiring would have such a profound effect on so many people!??!

Went to lunch with HU at his request today...was nice. Sub sandwiches and fair conversation. Perhaps things are getting a bit better. We'll see. I came home from the store and he had several folks he was texting, he could see that I was checking out the sections of his phone visually that show who the messages are being sent to and he "conveniently" needed to use his calculator at that moment instead. He also told me tonight that next week he'll have MANDATORY 8 hours...EIGHT HOURS... of overtime. *sigh* I am so far behind in all the things I need to do and had JUST told him at lunch I have craptons of junk to get done...I need him home when I have to work late this month. I NEED HIM HOME. He *said* he's considering taking an occurrence and not doing any OT at all. We'll see how it plays out...just awfully convenient is all... :(

I'm still distraught at the timing of everything, but I'm really trying to get over it. What a fiasco...and so much pain and hurt.

Good news: Tax refund should be in on Friday and we're planning on remodeling the living room. I'm excited to be decorating again...one thing I'm fairly good at and enjoy immensely.

I started this blog...

because I thought I was losing my mind. My world was crashing down around me, and I felt like I was just LOSING "it"!

Now it seems like it's a "bitch-fest" and I'm not sure that's the most healthy thing for me either. But I DO need to get these thoughts and feelings OUT, or I likely WILL "lose it"...

HU and I are...ok. He's gone again tonight. To the hobby store for more helicopter parts. We're looking into sending his daughter to a camp for diabetic kids...hopefully she can learn of dangers and get some good pointers and realize she's not alone or a freak about her illness. It's $600-$700 for a week long camp though. Guess we'll see...

On his way to the hobby store, he spoke with my mom about my 40th bday party (coming up in July). I really just want something low key and not "over-the-hill" themed as I feel so old and frazzled, that's just not what I need right now. I can usually take things all in fun without much issue, not sure I can handle something like that this year. My mom...apparently has other plans. He told her that I want a nice family dinner out at my favorite (cheap) Mexican restraunt. Which is truly what I want. Shouldn't my birthday be about what I want after all?? *sigh* Oh well, I guess it's black balloons and the grim reaper in my very near future. yay...

Boss stopped by today and finally spoke to my Lead teller to tell her where she'd be going when the branch closes. Told me some more big changes are coming tomorrow and he couldn't tell me any more. He finally DID tell me that I will most likely stay at OLB because of the Chamber stuff that I do....I told him I'd move wherever. Right now, I'd love to get out of the Chamber before next year! lol Ahh well it's a big honor to be the "President of the Chamber of Commerce" in the community in which you work....I'll suck it up and deal with it. It'll be interesting to see what's in store after his big meeting tomorrow.... changes are on the way and some big ones to boot. He SAID they don't directly affect me, so oh well! LOL

I'm still feeling crappy and worn down. Likely from all the stress and then again from the kids being SICK! I hope and pray I don't get the gastrointestinal garbage they've been dealing with because I CANNOT afford to be out of the office any more than I already am this month.

Accomplished .. nothing

I really got nothing done at work today. They're paying me a good salary to sit and be zombie-like.

I guess we did do the monthly vault audit...which is SOMETHING. I did OPEN the evaluation template and stare at it blankly. I did talk quite a bit with the existing Branch Manager at the Olivette office (The branchwhere I'll be moving to...herein after referred to as OLB) to get some scheduling out of the way.

I guess I wasn't a complete waste of human space today. I just can't concentrate. I can't keep my mind focused on business when my personal life is so out of balance.

Michelle stayed home sick today over at her Dad's with a stomach flu...really didn't want her to bring germs here! Hopefully, John didn't bring them with him even though he's not sick, I hope he's not a carrier host! o.O

I can't afford to be sick on top of all the rest of what's going on...

HU didn't call me on either break. We were up till 2am talking and he claimed to be tired and was only going to work 1 hour OT this eve. Said he laid down on the sofa at work to nap a bit to try to refresh at lunch. Still didn't get a call in the morning or afternoon break from him though. Guess he had more to talk about with folks at work in the breakroom than with me. Gah...I just need to stop thinking so negatively. Just tired of hurting and want to move on.

How to get motivated....

I have so much to do at work...things to pack up and get ready to ship out. Things to CLEAN up that have been there for 30+ years (bleh).

I have 3 evaluations to get done by the end of this month and tons of meetings scheduled throughout the month as well.

HUs got more OT scheduled and I just don't know how I'm going to get it all done.

I may need to re-schedule my colonoscopy until April...may be easier for everyone involved if I do. It's not emergent, so I feel like I should just put it off. I had it scheduled for the 23rd of March (Michelle's birthday) but found out that one of my employees needs to be out of the office that afternoon to get signed up for school. Will leave 2 for the afternoon, which should be doable, but I hate to put folks in that bind. PLUS...we're going to the AMA Motocross event (HU and I) Sat night, so we were going to do Michelle's bday celebration on Sunday. Can't do THAT if I'm clear liquid diet the entire day before the test.

I just can't bring myself to do much of anything lately. A load of laundry or dishes here or there, but that's about it. I have read a bit, I got a wii fit and worked out on that on Friday afternoon, but other than that...I mope. I hate feeling like this and I don't know what to do to change it. So I need to get motivated at work now too as deadlines are crunching away at my being. Crazy that We have exactly one month before the branch closes...so surreal.

Snoop Dawg

Yep...I snooped. Sue me. I felt I had "probable cause". He said *I* can't be trusted, I'd just do it again and that's unacceptable! I told him don't give me cause to and it won't be necessary.

Our story continues: (GOD this feels like a freaking soap opera with a Jerry Springer twist!) I went into his phone log to get this girl's number and found stuff I "should have never" found. According to him, if I wasn't snooping, there wouldn't be any hurt feelings. Basically he tells me "what I don't know can't hurt me".

I've "snooped" one time before and he went through the roof. I was sitting at his computer desk, he was fixing mine. An email popped up, you know the littel outlook box that fades out after a second?, and was from some girl I had never heard of thanking him for the "gift certificate" or something. It flashed away too fast, but ... WTF?? *Clicks open the email* Apparently it was some dumb bet he made about team productivity or something and he lost so he got her the gift card instead of the item he was supposed to have gotten her whatever that was now I don't remember. I was hurt that he'd do all that without telling me anything about it, he apologized, I apologized for "snooping"...done deal. Until now. He's a very private person and wants to be his own individual person. He says I ask too many questions and I don't need to be in his business all the time. He doesn't want me to read his email, see his texts, or look at his phone logs, but there's absolutely nothing to hide...RIIIIIGHT. I should just trust him completely. And honestly, I do...until something like this eats away at that trust that's been built up.

I reminded him, I'm not his mother. He doesn't just live under this roof and "answer to me" like he did his mom. (or didn't do as the case may be) He said all my questions make him feel that way. We talked about frustrations. I get frustrated when he does NOTHING about Steph's behavior, but if Michelle does anything wrong he's all over her. He STILL hasn't called the school or punished her for vandalizing school property. In fact, she went out and got a new camera AND a DS game for her good grades and used money she had saved for the camera. *facepalm* I told him I wouldn't wait for the counselor to call him, he needs to be proactive instead of reactive. He just said "now you've said your piece drop it and I'll take care of it" ...paraphrased slightly, but that's the jist of it.

The calls to the girl were few and far between but were at really odd times...call from her to him at 6:36am one morning? That's typically when I'm in the shower... call from him to her at 7:45pm? On his way home from work...HOME TO ME AND HIS FAMILY. His explaination: "oh, she probably accidentally dialed me. I probably called her on the way about something that happened at work"

In the end I told him I'm allowed to have feelings no matter how irrational he may think they are. He's got me so mind-fucked into thinking this is all me blowing everything out of proportion and overreacting, yet I keep uncovering things that don't add up.

The Gun shop explanation (the REAL reason I called him out on the call log deal) was supposedly that he was looking into getting some sort of permit to go to the shooting range. I told him I don't like guns in the house, but wouldn't mind to learn to shoot...safely...at a range. We talked about this before...YEARS ago, but he said he (conveniently) doesn't remember that I'd be interested in doing anything like that.

It all boils down to how WE were in the beginning...which is how THEY are starting out now. And it scares the living shit out of me. He says we'll work through it. Neither of us wants to divorce and lose the other. I feel like we're at such an impass over this right now it feels hopeless. Maybe I'll feel better after I meet her. If she's just a friend, so be it. But good LORD quit with the half-truths, partial information leading me to believe one thing and I find out something different, and dismissing things as "your business". I apologized for "snooping again", but told him I will NOT lead my life with blinders on, and he better take his off and see what's going on around him. He apologized for not giving me more information and said he'd try to do that better in the future. /shrug I doubt it will happen, but we'll see. One day at a time...

Bottom line, he needs to grow up. I'm not sure he's ready to...

I'm tired

The area code of the "friend" is the kansas city, MO area. The same place he went with ghost hunting group, the same place he picked up my print that we just had framed...I'm so confused and frustrated.

Am I REALLY making more to all this than there is? Or is there more to all of this than even I know of?

Ignorance is bliss. Bliss is stupid.

Yesterday

More than a great song by the Beatles

Yesterday HU and I went to breakfast...I was upset about the calls to the girl, the calls to the gun shops, but I went anyway. I'm really trying to let things NOT affect me and move on. We can't move forward if I can't move on. HOWEVER, before I yell at myself for being a door mat, I tell myself to "proceed with caution". I'm not dismissing what I found...or ignoring it. The calls to the girl thing--I'm storing it up in my mind for when it's needed. The gun thing--I need to address. It's dangerous and we need to talk about it. It's just one more example of how he does things I have NO CLUE about and I'm just supposed to be "OK" with what he does. Again, I decided I can't let it "get to me" because there could be (there always is according to him) some LOGICAL explanation as to what's going on. I just can't think of any...

Anyway, we had a nice breakfast and headed to the furniture store to look at sofas. I need a new one and we're getting a good bit back from income taxes for a refund. My last sofa was purchased for about $500 I think and that was 13 years ago. It's ripped, and uncomfy. I bought a fabric cover from Target about 5 years ago just to hide it's ugliness...it's still uncomfy though, and now the fabric cover needs replacing. Spend $70-100 for a new cover, or bite the bullet and get a new sofa. We went to about 7 different stores and all the sofas I wanted were too big for the small area we have to work with. In the end we went with a DARK chocolate brown (almost looks black) modular sectional that we can configure to fit however we need it to. All in all I guess I'm happy with it. It should seat 6-7 folks comfortably, right now we have seating for 3. That was my main concern with a new sofa...if we're going to spend the money, it's going to seat more folks! The material is fabric, but looks like leather (or pleather??). So it almost looks like a black leather, but it's really dark brown fabric. /shrug Probably too contemporary for our room, but we want to tear our living room apart and re-do it anyway...baby steps. Hopefully the sofa will last another 13 years. We ended up paying $1200 for it including delivery, tax, and an insurance protection program that will repair/replace it for the next 5 years if something happens. So at least it should last 5 years... LOL

His daughter texts him while we're out (we've been gone like 4 hours by now!) and asks can he take her to a breakfast place tomorrow, just the two of them. Because I always complain that the food's messed up at that place. Here's a novel idea, pick a different f'ing place you little brat! He DID say he texted back that she's being rude. We got home and I told her "sorry it took so long, we were looking at getting a new sofa"...she walked away and said nothing. (later she said that she said "alright" but was too soft so I didn't hear her) HU made her come back and yelled at her for being disrespectful. I pointed out to her that I've been trying not to yell at her unnecessarily, but by golly if she breaks rules, she WILL be disciplined. I do all sorts of things "special" for her...set limits, she exceeds them. The other day she wanted a snack after school, she's diabetic and it was 4:30pm. I told her no, too close to dinner, don't want level readings out of whack. She argued her dad lets her have a snack all the time. I told her no again and she stormed off. The next day I got her slim jims and sugar free ice pops. Like 1-3g of carbs per snack and told her if she wants a snack she can have 2 slim jims or 1 ice pop for snack. That's it. Sorry if she wants something else, too bad. Be glad she has anything at all. That same day, I had to go down to her room to help her hang a poster (that HU was too lazy to get off his ass to find any tape...) and found 4 slim jim wrappers. I asked her why there was 4 wrappers...she said "I forgot". *sigh* I told her next time, I won't buy her any snacks at all if she can't control herself and follow the rules. It's a constant battle with her, but hopefully yesterday she realized I'm not "against" her. HU told her she could buy a new camera with her money saved up. Mind you, her camera works fine, she LOST the charger cord. *facepalm* So we go to best buy and she gets a new $109 camera. Why does an 11 year old need a 10mega pixel $109 camera?!?! Whatever. I didn't fight about it, it's her money to spend, let her spend it. I DID however set the expectation that she best take VERY good care of it and all it's parts as it's the last camera she'll be getting for a VERY LONG TIME! (she destroys everything she owns btw) *rolls eyes*

Went back to furniture store after best buy and bought the aforementioned sofa, it'll be delivered next week. YAY! Went to the PBR (Pro Bull Riding) event at the arena last night. While it was entertaining, it wasn't really my cup of tea. It was a lot of time between contestants and they stayed on the bulls for 8 seconds max. woohoo. LOL There was a "rodeo clown" that entertained between rides, so at least that was fun to watch. HU asked if I'd go back again and I told him sure, but I wouldn't waste money on better seats. We got nosebleed tix for $10 ea and they were fine IMO. I'm really trying to do more things he likes to do. March 21st we're supposed to go to some AMA Motocross race or something...it's dirt bikes. Not sure if it's racing or if it's tricks on bikes. Also not my cup of tea, but I'll go and I'll try to have a good time so HE has a good time.

We'll see what today holds. I'm the only one awake and not sure what's planned. We were going to have dinner with a mutual friend from his work, but she had to cancel...dont' think her partner liked the last minute plans. heh