The year is almost over

And I don't have a whole lot to show for it. It's been a whirlwind for sure, but I feel like I've accomplished so little. Not that I set out to make a list of accomplishments to achieve or anything, but I just feel like time's slipping away and life is passing me by.

I cried myself to sleep again last night. Michelle texted me that she had a fabulous time shopping and spending her Christmas money and gift cards, got her ears pierced again, and I just felt...empty. I miss having her around. When she's home she's not even around. I just don't know what else to do to change that either. Eric asked "What's wrong NOW?" and all I could reply to him was: "nothing". I'm a horrible liar too. But he just wouldn't understand, I'm done trying to make him see what I'm going through.

I'm at work now, and should be doing...work. All I feel like doing is crying though, which makes it hard to be upbeat, energized, and inspirational at work. My employees are all "what's in it for me" and not taking responsiblity for their own jobs lately. Price of being under staffed and overworked and I can't do a thing about any of that either.

Deadlines are looming, meetings upcoming, pressure and tension mounting everywhere I turn. The one safe haven I had was home, and now even that's a big ball of stress waiting to crush me like the boulder in that Indiana Jones movie...

I need to make a list of things I want to accomplish in the coming year before the new year hits. I need to do something...inspirational to myself. Something meaningful and worthwhile. Something that makes me happy. I just have no clue what on earth that would be... =/

One day at a time...

It's all I can do. From here on out. Take every day, one day at a time. I can't worry about tomorrow...today has enough to deal with on its own!

Yesterday, is in the past. So why do I still feel angry? Why can't I let things just...go?

This is going to be a constant struggle and uphill battle and I'm honestly not sure our marriage is going to survive having his daughter with us. And I'm scared. I love him, and don't want to be without him, but I can't see myself being miserable for the rest of my life either. I love her like my own, but she continually does things that infuriate me. He sees it, and does nothing. Worse, he often blames ME for HER poor behavior instead of correcting her. You know, I'm too controlling...I'm overreacting...I'm anything that allows him to dismiss her purposeful disrespect.

Her way of doing things, doesn't work and then I'm left to deal with the aftermath. He wants to give her freedoms that he absolutely won't even THINK about giving my two kids. The imbalance is too much for me to take anymore. I told him the whole situation worried me (her coming back) because I didn't want things to be how they were...we're not starting off all that great. *sigh*

It's official

Looks like Stephanie will be headed back her to live with us again. After returning to Las Vegas to live with her Mom, Steph ended up in the hospital 3 times and in counselling as well. Apparently her Mom just can't handle her and managing her illness...so we get to. Which really is fine. I just hope HU and I can keep the situation from coming between us.

It's been quite nice not having her around and having to deal with her attitude and lies. I hope thing have/will change when she comes back.

Fresh start, new era. Here we go...I'm as ready as I'm going to be...

Things to be thankful for

~ A wonderful family
~ Fun conversations
~ Great food
~ A new phone for Eric, which leads to my mom getting his old phone, which leads to her FINALLY beginning to text! o.O
~ Michelle's recovery (still a struggle each day, but she's doing better day by day)
~ John discovering Michelle's hamster passed away. We were able to clean everything up before she got home from the parade downtown (she plays clarinet in the high school's marching band)
~ Everyone pitching in and really having a great time today
~ Seeing my sister and brother-in-law ...I miss them alot, thank goodness Farmville keeps me and my sis connected! ;)
~ Seeing BOTH of my nephews today...been awhile since that happened!

All in all, one of THE best Thanksgiving days...EVER! <3

Good stuff!

So I was talking to my good friend Gwynn the other day about my blog here. I admit this place had become my safe haven to let spew forth the most dark places I have been this year so far. And thank God I had this (and thank you, dear readers, for putting up with my rantings), for it has kept me sane during my moments of hopelessness and insanity.

And now for something completely different: Good stuff!

As much as I have ranted about HU, he really is a sweet and good man. Selfish at times? Sure. But also caring and wonderful at times too. Too often I focus on the negative and it overshadows the good so much that I temporarily lose sight of it. Just this past weekend, HU took John around for two hours to attach plastic bags to folks' doors to collect cans for Boy Scouts to give to food pantries in the area. I had to work. There was a time before that he wouldn't have been willing to do this task for me, but he's really trying to help out. I can see it. And I'm thankful to have him and his willingness now to help out. He's started paying for more things lately: dinners out, AT&T Uverse bill (he wanted to change from dish network that he used to pay for), got a $50 used monitor for the kids' computer just this eve. He's stopped spending so much on himself and his hobbies and has begun to help out with expenses here more. (he still does spend some on his stuff, but that's ok as long as he's helping at home too!) I think part of this change is having his daughter now living with her mom instead of here. As awful as it sounds, I think it may have something to do with some of it. No extra expenses for school, fundraisers, clothes, stuff that she "wants" but doesn't need but gets anyway, etc that came when she was living here. Not to say that's the entire reason for this new attitude in helping out, but I do sometimes think perhaps his focus is a bit more on the family as a whole and not just on Steph anymore.

John's really enjoying Scouts...and I'm REALLY glad. He needs the social interaction, and learning some lifeskills will be a plus for him as well! I hope he sticks with it for some time to come!

Michelle's going through her first big break up, but doing ok. Hit some very rough patches, but I'm thankful that we have some time together again. (is that bad of me??) I missed spending time with her...just sorry she has to go through so much pain so that she and I can get some time together. Her next boyfriend will NOT consume her life like this one did.

Job's going ok...though frustrating, I'm thankful to have a decent job.

More positive blogging coming soon! For now, sleep must come...

Pain

It's more than just an awesome song by Three Days Grace...

My daughter is going through yet another break up with her boyfriend. The same kid that she's been "going out with" since last year. This is breakup #3 for them and I just want her pain to go away.

She's a very emotional girl (wonder where she gets THAT from *whistles innocently*) and this may send her in a downward spiral that I don't want to even think about. Thankfully, her therapist appointment is on Wed, so I am hoping she can help her through the parts that I can't.

I want so bad to tell her it doesn't matter, that she'll experience love again...next time with someone who's better for her, etc. He was a decent boy, a bit controlling and overprotective, but a 4.3 GPA Eagle Scout with aspirations. Everything happens for a reason I told her. And I truly believe this! I don't think this boy was right for her, but she could do a whole lot worse. I'm just praying that she finds herself before she finds another boy. I keep telling her that a boy can't make her whole, but there's a void in her heart left there that she WILL try to fill...that scares me. And...this is after all, high school. They could be back together again before the day is over. =/ I hope they take a LONG break from each other and really figure out what's going on in their relationship...too serious too soon is my guess. Oh how I wish I could take this pain away from her...

Today will be a long day again...I feel like crap and there's only 3 of us in the office today. Good times...

More expenses...

HU still hasn't closed the pool down for the season. He's doing it now. He left the seasonal cover outside all summer and some random plant grew through it and punctured it. New one was $100 bucks. *sigh* He can't find the vaccuum cleaner head attachment and got a new one. Had to get more chemicals as well to shut it down. More than $240 expense just to shut the damn thing down! I didn't go with him to the store, somehow he bought all supplies. I guess it's all that overtime money. /shrug

I just can't put anything more on my credit card right now. I *almost* bought tickets to a concert, but didn't. Just don't have the money. =/ Which really sucks. I'm 40, make a good salary, and can't even afford a few $30 concert tickets.

The roller coaster of emotions in the home is more than I can bear. HU and I haven't talked all week more than a few words, and those weren't very fun conversations either. I'm tired of crying, I'm tired of being lonely, I'm just tired. This doesn't feel "right" anymore and I am at a loss. I think I'm just depressed about the money situation more than anything. I hope that's all that it is...