Call logs...

I knew HU's other "friend" attempted to call him, so while he was in the shower today, I checked his call log to get her number. Just in case we become really great friends you know I'll be able to reach her...

Anyway, troubling things I found:
1.) HE called HER way back as early on as Feb 2nd. About the time we got into our first big arguement and he got me to agree to let him go to movies with "friends that are girls"
2.) There have been several calls this month BEFORE he asked permission for her to call him Thursday night.
3.) There were two separate calls to two different gun shops. WTF?!?? He hasn't mentioned to me anything at all about wanting to own a gun or look for one, etc.

Now I'm freaking out and how do I tell him I know about the calls to the gun shops...he'll call me a snoop and untrustworthy (meaning I'll NEVER trust him) because I checked the call log in the first place.

Now...it's a matter of safety as I don't want guns in the house at all and maybe he's not even considering getting one, but why else do you call a place like that?!?

Somebody stop me...

I have been out of the house the last two days and have spent $300ish.

I stopped by game stop yesterday to check out used psp and wii games for the kids. Asked the guy, hey, do you happen to have a wii fit? Yep, I have ONE...do you want it? *Impulse buy* YES! So I got the wii fit, the yoga mat and sleeve for the balance board and a recargeable battery pack. $150 later, I walk out without any games for the kids, which is why I went in in the first place! LOL

Today, I went to the spa. Had my first facial ever and it was NIIIICCE! She even gave me an upper body massage with it, which was a nice surprise, I really didn't expect it. Of course when I was done, there were about 5 products she recommended as "ESSENTIAL" to maintaining and repairing my skin. So I bought them. $120 later I am feeling great. (First time in a while)

SO...no more spending for me. Need to get back to business and deal with stuff here. I got a text from HU that simply said "*hugs* Love you :)" which was nice. But again, no phone call on his break or during his lunch. Guess he's too busy sharing the meatloaf he needed me to help him make last night with his FRIENDS. *sigh*

I'm really at a loss. I love him deeply. I'm hurt deeply. Which one wins and takes over as the stronger emotion? I talked a LOT with a friend of mine yesterday (Thank you, btw, you know who you are...I owe you much!) and she really helped me put some perspective on a few things.

A.) He REALLY doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. He REALLY sees this as "just friends" and as such feels I am overreacting about lots of things.
B.) He's not doing any of it to HURT me (though he continues to even though he knows it does...can't figure that one out yet)
C.) As a man, he just doesn't "get it" the way I do

She suggested that I set limits and talk to him. What's acceptable and what isn't. We've tried that, but I'm not above trying again.

HU came home and gave me a kiss hello...I kissed him back briefly. "Is that all I get?" ...Yep. "You don't love me anymore?"... I'm still trying to figure it out. I RATIONALLY and REASONABLY spoke to him yesterday and told him that this "friendship" with this other woman is going too far. I honestly and wholeheartedly don't believe he has interest in her, or intends to persue an intimate relationship with her physically. My issue is the level of intimacy they're attaining together, while our intimacy is crumbling around me. It's so hard to explain really. But seriously, this girl, almost half his age, has NO ONE else to talk to or even WANTS to talk to about her court "drama"?? Why does she feel so connected to HU?? It may be innocent on his part, but I see signs on her part that he's not seeing. He says I have no proof of anything supporting that "theory"....I say her actions are proof enough and I'm not waiting around for PHYSICAL things to happen for proof.

I dunno, I'm overwhelmed everywhere I turn. I don't want to make irrational decisions, but all the signs point to what I believe is going on in my gut. I can't ignore how I feel. If he chooses to ignore how I feel, he'll have made a choice as well. What's that old song by Rush say: "If you choose not to decide, you'll still have made a choice"

I've stated my case, I've told him my fears (rational or irrational I'm still allowed to have feelings), the rest is up to him.

That'll be $30 please...

Went to the therapist today. Hoping to get some assistance in how to deal with stress. First they need background of what's been going on to CAUSE the stress.

The therapist said, "I'm surprised you're not homicidal" (jokingly of course) She said that everything that I've been feeling is normal and not overreacting. She thought, in fact, I was underreacting and allowing HU to manipulate/control me. =/

After I got back, I was feeling a bit better, not quite as "OMG AM I JUST BEING SO OVER-THE-TOP RIDICULOUS??"....

Michelle started in on the "blue sheets" that we want her to start so we can get up to date grades/missing assignments rather than wait 3 weeks for grades to be posted. I told her I give up. Do the sheets or don't, I'm trying to help her get her phone back and she doesn't even want to try.

HU texted me (didn't even have the courtesy to call)and said his girl-friend has to go to court over a DUI or DWI and wants to call him tonight because she'll be upset. Sorry that's too much her-leaning-on-him for my comfort level.

I tried to talk to him about it...he dismissed it as me not having "proof" that she wants more than to just be friends. I told him he needs to set limits and boundaries and he's getting too involved in this particular co-worker's life. He still wants to say that I'm overreacting and making too much out of nothing. Sorry if it's so much nothing, it shouldn't be an issue to break it off, or at the VERY least back off. Too close for my comfort, respect it or get out.

He said we'll figure it out...it'll be ok. I think he's slowly realizing I really can't take this anymore. Not sure if that matters to him or not, but he's starting to realize it nonetheless.

I'm trying to give him some freedom, trying not to be controlling and demanding, I'm trying to keep an open mind and I DO trust him (at this point) that he's taking this as an innocent friendship and wants nothing more. It's her I don't trust. I'm not sure he sees it completely or ever will...time will tell. For now, I continue to hurt and not sure how much more hurt I can handle without crumbling completely.

How stupid am I??

The rhetorical question of the ages. No one wants to really EVER find out the answer to that question...yet I find myself asking myself that question constantly lately.

How stupid am I that I would let my ex stand in the way of getting my daughter the medical help she needs?

How stupid am I that I want so badly for my relationship with my husband to work, that I'm willing to give up my time with him so he can be with another woman?

How stupid am I that I take on more tasks than I can hope to accomplish successfully?

Meeting with the psychiatrist, daughter and ex yesterday. Doc was appalled at her grades (as were we as her parents of course), she had the worst attitude and was completely disrespectful to the doctor. Welcome back mood swings. *sigh* She was taken off one medicine last month and supposed to have replaced it with another, but the ex refused to administer because it's primarily used to treat ADHD. He's got my daughter so brainwashed to believing that's a BAD BAD thing to be diagnosed with that illness. I'm at a complete loss. Now we start over. New doctor, more testing and questionaires to fill out, we've been all through this. I swear to GOD if anything comes from these tests, I'm taking him back to court for sole legal custody so he can't continue to stand in the way of her treatment. I'm so angry I could spit >.<

Things are (were??) going well with HU. He says he's going to give me more money to help out with the financial stress I've been under (he SHOULD be paying half of everything, but hey, anything more is better than nothing, right?). He said he'd "get rid of" the "work-friend"...which I took to mean he would not be hanging out with her, going to lunch with her, etc. He text messages me today:
"Don't want u mad/upset..But Ashley asked if it was ok to call me tonight for a few minutes. She had to go to court today and wanted someone to talk to about it. Do you think that'll be ok?? Just want to ask to see if your ok with that. Let me know."

How the FUCK am I supposed to respond to this? If I say, hell no I'm not ok with her calling you...I'm a cold hearted bitch controlling him and not allowing him to have friends. If I say sure go ahead...I'm lying. I'm NOT ok with this at all. But he's made me feel so guilty like all of this is just me being insecure and ridiculous, how do I tell him how I REALLY feel???

In the end, I said: "Sure if you can talk to her in front of me...I can't believe she has no one else to talk to about this but if you can help I guess I need to be ok with it"

Not sure that was the right way to handle it or not...I'm NOT ok with it, but I'm TRYING to let him have friends. Here's what I'm NOT ok with....she's upset/hurt/angry/whatever...who does she run to for comfort and support? MY HUSBAND??? She seriously has NO ONE ELSE to talk to?!?! He said she just moved here about a year ago and doesn't have any friends here. What about where she came from?? I'm sure she still has friends/family elsewhere even if not in this area. And a whole year goes by and you've not connected with a FEMALE friend you work with in a way that you're comfy talking about your problems (even a watered down version of them) with her??? I'm just not buying any of what he's selling right now...doesn't add up and it SUCKS.

He said it was no problem to talk in front of me and he'll keep it short as possible. I just don't get it. Why, when he JUST said Sunday, he'd "get rid" of her would he be asking my permission to take her phone call?? Like they don't spend enough time together at work. *sigh*

Then he texts me: "Yes. If possible" out of the clear blue not related to our conversation at all and when I called him out on it, he tried to play it off as talking about he would speak to Michelle if I could keep her from being emo with her boyfriend. Sorry dude, I didn't just fall off the stagecoach...I know how mistells work. =/

All this adds up to trouble beyond trouble and I'm just supposed to IGNORE all these signs.

HOW STUPID AM I?!?!?

So now what...

So I go to lunch with HU on Monday. He says meet him at Quiznos I say ok. I fully expected him to bring Ashley with him...I was nervous, but agreed to meet him. I get to Quiznos, he calls.

HU: "You're at Quiznos aren't you?"
ME: "Yep"
HU: "I'm at Penn Station"
(*sighs and tries to ignore the pit in my stomach*)
ME: "Guess I'll drive over there"
HU: "Nah, stay there I'm already on my way"

So he gets to Quiznos lot and the "Fish Place" (aka Joey's Seafood) is right next door...the place we used to enjoy going for lunch...the place he took Ashley to recently. He says we can go there instead. I tell him whatever he wants to eat as he's watching his diet and I know he likes fish, etc. He chooses Joeys.

We go in and have a seat, we've lost a LOT of time by now and he has to be back within the hour or he gets an occurrence at work, which is like a warning for being tardy. Too many of those and it can spell trouble.

I TRY to talk to him. He wants to do his overtime (OT) on Saturday. ALL THIS TIME, he has NEVER wanted to work Saturdays. NEVER. So I'm trying to understand...why, when all this is going on, would he WANT to work on Saturday? (My mind, of course, goes directly to: Probably because that's when Ashley works) Why does my mind HAVE to go there??? What's WRONG with me that I can't trust him? MAYBE he wants to use that as an excuse to leave the house for a couple hours then come home and surprise me with something nice! MAYBE it's NOT about him spending time with anyone else.... the voice inside me calls me stupid. I hate that voice. We end up in a big argument when all I was trying to do was understand WHY he's done a 180 and WANTS to go in on Saturday. MY FIRST Saturday off in awhile. It's all too much. *sigh*

Later he apologized for lunch and the argument, but *I* still hurt deeply because I can't even TALK to him anymore. We went to Penn Station yesterday and it was nice.

At least we're having the best sex ever in a long time. Maybe fighting isn't all bad when the make up sex is awesome?

It's also looking more and more like his daughter will be moving back to live with her mom. On the one hand, it's what WE need. On the other, it's dangerous to send her back. Her physical and emotional health is at stake and I really don't want to make this decision. So I'll stand by and let them work it out and support HUs decision in this regard.

I'm really looking forward to the therapy session I have scheduled for tomorrow afternoon...I need to know what's wrong with me.

Too much...

It's all too much. All of it.

After HU and I talked about him going to do things with other folks (women friends mostly), I explained that maybe if I met these folks I'd have a better sense of who they are and how they interact with him and my jealousy issues would been lessened considerably. --not gone, but maybe not so much of an issue...-- He said he understood. Apparently he didn't understand, or he just didn't care, because once again, I invited him to lunch and he turned me down. Got stuck on a long call again he said. Shit happens I think to myself and I go to lunch alone. Back at the office later in the afternoon, he says someone stole his pizza from the fridge so "we" went out to get food. The pizza he FREAKED out about btw on the way out the door because Steph ate 2 pieces of it. There were 4 pieces left, enough for a light lunch, but it just wasn't enough....perhaps he needed more so that he could share it... *sigh*

I ask who he went to lunch with...yep, the answer was Ashley. I lost it. I broke down at work. I called Mom to ask her to pick up the kids and get them dinner. I tore out of work and raced to his to try to confront this woman. I sent him a voice mail telling him to meet me at Houlihan's and bring her with. I got there at 10 after 5pm and she was gone already. She lives far away and leaves at 5:01 every day he says. I told him to call her up, let's meet her somewhere else. If it takes 4 hours to get there I didn't care. Obviously this woman means so much to him, the least I could do is drive to go meet her, right? Of course he declined. He paid for her meal too. Now, it could be completely innocent. Perhaps she paid him cash and he just put the whole bill on his debit card. The bill was over $25 though so he definitely bought both meals. *sigh* I ask how much this girl means to him and he couldn't answer me. I ask how old she is..."I dunno, maybe 25 or so?"...great mid life crisis man going for a younger woman. I just can't take this shit and shouldn't have to.

So...fast forward, we talk alot, resolve some things, some things remain unresolved, but we have a nice weekend together after talking more, working through more things. He tells me today that he's planning on doing his overtime on Saturdays now. Until this point....OT was NEVER To be done on Saturdays. He had his committments to work at the hospital, I work on Saturdays, we have the kids, he enjoys his weekends too much to be working half days on Saturdays, etc etc etc. So he's been working late in the evenings instead when there's OT. Usually on Tuesday evenings, but now it's become "better" for him to work Saturdays. Timing sucks since I won't be working Saturdays in March at all since my branch is closing. Feb 21st was our last Satruday to be open and I won't have to work Saturdays until I get assigned to a new branch in April. So I can only assume that Ashley puts in her OT on Saturdays as well. (or some of his other "friends" maybe??) /shrug

He also has a burning desire to make a huge meatloaf to "leave at work" to eat all week. Now, his meal on Friday was just stolen, WTF does he think is going to happen to a whole meatloaf?? I know darn well he's making a huge meatloaf to share with co-workers.

I told him that maybe his Mom's boyfriend's WIFE is ok with him spending his time and money on her, but I am NOT ok with him spending his time and money on another woman. It's just not right.

I thought things were getting better...who am I kidding??~!?

God love Danny Goeke

You know, the American Idol contestant? He's unbelievably talented...and an inspiration.

Danny is the epitome of what it means to "let go" and move on. He wrote in his blog about the crud that takes hold of your heart: Bitterness, anger, hatred, etc. It takes hold, breeds, and expands. It consumes you. You have to let go of those emotions in order to move on.

That's not as easy as it sounds though. Today, I'm trying to "let go". Let go of those feelings, not my relationship. I'm done feeling sorry for myself and hating HU for wanting to be with others more than me and hating myself for not seeing signs every other person I talk to sees. (Love is blind, yes?) Granted, they see the situation through my eyes, so therein could be the problem.

So it's time. I need to let love back in. I need to let kindness take over. I need to be me again. Where did I go?