I usually try to come up with some little catchy title for my blogs. Not today, just not creative enough to even think of an amusing little saying that would fit. Last night I was in bed by 9pm, crying and just plain depressed. My son, God love him, seems to be the only one that really wants to be part of my life. HU wants to be with me (in every sense of that word), yet leave me out of half of the things going on with him. Not sure that it's intentional...that's just the way he's wired I think. And I'm really quite tired of feeling like an outsider or like I don't matter to him. He does little things for me from time to time, which helps. I know it's a problem with ME that I feel like he's going through our life without regard to my feelings. Just dunno how to change it. My daughter only wants one thing: to be with the love of her life (teen love...pssh whatever!) every single minute of every single day. Which, is not a bad thing, but it's really almost bordering obsessive, which upsets me.
I'm at a point in my life that I feel trapped in my job, wondering what the heck I'm doing with my life in general, and wondering what I need to do to change things. I seriously feel like a hamster, you know in one of those wheels. Spinning, spinning, spinning, and not really ever getting anywhere...
Monday, September 21, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Bitter Sweet Symphony
It's more than a song...lately it's been the theme song of my life.
My daughter is doing MUCH better in school. So good in fact, she feels like she no longer needs to take her medicine. *sigh* Here we go again. We've reduced her dose from 20mg twice a day to 10mg twice a day. Hopefully, it will be enough to help her maintain the levels of concentration, and keep her mood stabilized so that she doesn't fall back into depressed state. She seems to care about school this go around and I want that to continue, not revert back to what we were like before with her. We've been getting along really well too. Last night she calls HU into her room to see something, I ask him later what that was all about and he says: "I can't tell you". While I appreciate very much that she trusts him and wants him to be part of certain parts of her life...it infuriated me. Anytime Steph said anything to me, he was all over me to tell him about it. Dunno...I guess I just hate feeling shut out of important (or even not so important) things going on in my kids' lives.
John is away on a Boy Scout camping trip. While I'm SUPER excited he's finally, FINALLY joining in on anything social, I'm a bit worried about him being along with a group of boys and leaders I know nothing about. Not "I need to do background checks on these people" worried, but then again, one never knows!
I get so sick of hearing about child abductions, cult like scenarios that folks are held captive in, abuse, neglect, etc. It's on tv everyday on HLN (the wonderful "news" station they've decided to leave our tv on at work turned to). It's sickening...literally.
I have really enjoyed our lives without Stephanie here, but I'm worried about her too. She's been in a mental hospital for a week because she's depressed about being diabetic. She's now on Zoloft and who knows how that's going to affect her. I hope she gets things under control and can stay with her mom and visit with us. That's the ideal situation for me and my kids...not sure about HU though. I don't want him to resent me/us because his daughter's too much trouble. Hopefully Steph will mature a bit, the meds will help, and she'll be a much different girl the next time she comes to visit/stay with us.
I just don't need more drama...not sure I can handle it. :(
So while many things are going quite well right now, they seem to come with a price. It all seems bitter sweet ... I really like semi-sweet better!
My daughter is doing MUCH better in school. So good in fact, she feels like she no longer needs to take her medicine. *sigh* Here we go again. We've reduced her dose from 20mg twice a day to 10mg twice a day. Hopefully, it will be enough to help her maintain the levels of concentration, and keep her mood stabilized so that she doesn't fall back into depressed state. She seems to care about school this go around and I want that to continue, not revert back to what we were like before with her. We've been getting along really well too. Last night she calls HU into her room to see something, I ask him later what that was all about and he says: "I can't tell you". While I appreciate very much that she trusts him and wants him to be part of certain parts of her life...it infuriated me. Anytime Steph said anything to me, he was all over me to tell him about it. Dunno...I guess I just hate feeling shut out of important (or even not so important) things going on in my kids' lives.
John is away on a Boy Scout camping trip. While I'm SUPER excited he's finally, FINALLY joining in on anything social, I'm a bit worried about him being along with a group of boys and leaders I know nothing about. Not "I need to do background checks on these people" worried, but then again, one never knows!
I get so sick of hearing about child abductions, cult like scenarios that folks are held captive in, abuse, neglect, etc. It's on tv everyday on HLN (the wonderful "news" station they've decided to leave our tv on at work turned to). It's sickening...literally.
I have really enjoyed our lives without Stephanie here, but I'm worried about her too. She's been in a mental hospital for a week because she's depressed about being diabetic. She's now on Zoloft and who knows how that's going to affect her. I hope she gets things under control and can stay with her mom and visit with us. That's the ideal situation for me and my kids...not sure about HU though. I don't want him to resent me/us because his daughter's too much trouble. Hopefully Steph will mature a bit, the meds will help, and she'll be a much different girl the next time she comes to visit/stay with us.
I just don't need more drama...not sure I can handle it. :(
So while many things are going quite well right now, they seem to come with a price. It all seems bitter sweet ... I really like semi-sweet better!
Monday, September 7, 2009
Labor Day
That's such an interesting holiday. We're supposed to take time off and relax from laboring all year? Perhaps I should google "Labor Day" and see what comes up...
This weekend has been far from relaxing. My Mom's birthday party is this upcoming weekend and we've been working like MAD to get the house straightened up. The bedroom was an utter DISASTER area ever since we remodeled the living room. Tons of stuff just got SHOVED everywhere, including our bedroom and it had been AGES since it was cleaned really well. We spent ALL DAY today cleaning the bedroom and it's coming to look like, well, a bedroom again!
It's been a very stressful day and I've been extremely depressed this weekend for some odd reason. Probably due to HU doing really strange things...he just HAD to go try and get his blood test on Saturday at around 11:30...as if the lab would be open. Brought me back a cookie since the dog ate my other one, which was sweet, but felt more like a peace offering for some reason...
I have cried and cried this weekend and just been generally on edge. I'm stressed to my limit...
This weekend has been far from relaxing. My Mom's birthday party is this upcoming weekend and we've been working like MAD to get the house straightened up. The bedroom was an utter DISASTER area ever since we remodeled the living room. Tons of stuff just got SHOVED everywhere, including our bedroom and it had been AGES since it was cleaned really well. We spent ALL DAY today cleaning the bedroom and it's coming to look like, well, a bedroom again!
It's been a very stressful day and I've been extremely depressed this weekend for some odd reason. Probably due to HU doing really strange things...he just HAD to go try and get his blood test on Saturday at around 11:30...as if the lab would be open. Brought me back a cookie since the dog ate my other one, which was sweet, but felt more like a peace offering for some reason...
I have cried and cried this weekend and just been generally on edge. I'm stressed to my limit...
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
And now for something completely different
I'm feeling at a crossroads in my life. Kids are doing...ok. Work is SUPER frustrating. House is mortgaged out beyond capacity (but will be paid off in just under 9 years!) I'm still making payments on everything, but feeling like I'm constantly "robbing Peter to pay Paul". I hate robbing. I just want to make a decent living and tuck a bit of cash away for a rainy day. Like retirement. *sigh*
More and more I get freaked out about what will happen to us financially over the next few years. I could refinance the house and get some breathing room on my payments, but I really want to be done with the mortgages. I seriously have NO clue how I'm going to pay for my kids' college educations. I feel like a failure where my parenting job is concerned.
Lately, my boss had been making me feel "less than adequate" at work too...and of course HU always lets me know how I seemingly don't value our love life as much as he does. I seriously need to win the lottery so I don't have to worry about any of this...guess I need to buy a ticket first though, huh?
I'm seriously thinking that after 17 years in the Credit Union industry, it's time for a change. I've worked my way to up to branch manager...my brother who has no college degree and has not worked for his company as long as I've worked for mine makes more money than I do. I'm glad for him, but honestly, that just sucks. I think it may be time for me to look elsewhere and move on. That scares the shit out of me, but life is too short for me to be this stressed and unhappy. Plus I may be turning into an alchoholic...
More and more I get freaked out about what will happen to us financially over the next few years. I could refinance the house and get some breathing room on my payments, but I really want to be done with the mortgages. I seriously have NO clue how I'm going to pay for my kids' college educations. I feel like a failure where my parenting job is concerned.
Lately, my boss had been making me feel "less than adequate" at work too...and of course HU always lets me know how I seemingly don't value our love life as much as he does. I seriously need to win the lottery so I don't have to worry about any of this...guess I need to buy a ticket first though, huh?
I'm seriously thinking that after 17 years in the Credit Union industry, it's time for a change. I've worked my way to up to branch manager...my brother who has no college degree and has not worked for his company as long as I've worked for mine makes more money than I do. I'm glad for him, but honestly, that just sucks. I think it may be time for me to look elsewhere and move on. That scares the shit out of me, but life is too short for me to be this stressed and unhappy. Plus I may be turning into an alchoholic...
Monday, August 31, 2009
Time off
Why is time off not really a day of rest? :)
Had a good but less than productive day today. HU's car is not running reliably and I had to take him to work. Had lunch with him later in the afternoon, then a 2nd lunch with a good friend going through some tough times. Then to Target, PetCo, then to pickup my daughter (and chauffer her boyfriend to the "pool hall" where he hangs out after school). Home for 15 mins then BACK to go pickup HU. Then to store on way home, cook dinner, then FINALLY sit down to relax at 8:30pm.
Time flies when you're having fun, eh??
Had a good but less than productive day today. HU's car is not running reliably and I had to take him to work. Had lunch with him later in the afternoon, then a 2nd lunch with a good friend going through some tough times. Then to Target, PetCo, then to pickup my daughter (and chauffer her boyfriend to the "pool hall" where he hangs out after school). Home for 15 mins then BACK to go pickup HU. Then to store on way home, cook dinner, then FINALLY sit down to relax at 8:30pm.
Time flies when you're having fun, eh??
Thursday, August 20, 2009
It's been awhile
I've not posted in a couple of weeks here...it's been awhile. Kids started school and the money's already slipping through my fingers faster than green slime floods the stages of Nickelodeon TV. Why is everything so expensive?!? lol
Had a really good time in CO despite some adversity. Nothing reminds you to appreciate home like being ALMOST stranded atop a 9k ft high mountain. But at least it had a beautiful view!
This week my Assistant Manager's been on vacation and it's been really busy for me at work. Had a three hour meeting with my Regional Manager wherein he basically said, "average" performers need to be cut loose. Either they're over-achievers, pushing themselves to make 150% of goal or they're gone. Period. A "Satisfactory" rating is no longer good enough. "Excellent" was never able to be achieved though...go figure. Somehow I feared for my own job by the end of the coversation. Buy in to corporate bullshit or get out. Sell, sell, sell...sell WHAT exactly?!? We're a SERVICE industry and time again THAT'S what's bringing folks into our offices...the level of SERVICE we provide. NOT the products we offer to "SELL" them. *sigh* Not sure when they'll ever learn...
Time to get to bed....been SOOOOO run down lately and have another day and a half before I can get a break!
Congrats to my good friends Kim & Ian who just purchased a new house! :D Going to see it this weekend! lol
Had a really good time in CO despite some adversity. Nothing reminds you to appreciate home like being ALMOST stranded atop a 9k ft high mountain. But at least it had a beautiful view!
This week my Assistant Manager's been on vacation and it's been really busy for me at work. Had a three hour meeting with my Regional Manager wherein he basically said, "average" performers need to be cut loose. Either they're over-achievers, pushing themselves to make 150% of goal or they're gone. Period. A "Satisfactory" rating is no longer good enough. "Excellent" was never able to be achieved though...go figure. Somehow I feared for my own job by the end of the coversation. Buy in to corporate bullshit or get out. Sell, sell, sell...sell WHAT exactly?!? We're a SERVICE industry and time again THAT'S what's bringing folks into our offices...the level of SERVICE we provide. NOT the products we offer to "SELL" them. *sigh* Not sure when they'll ever learn...
Time to get to bed....been SOOOOO run down lately and have another day and a half before I can get a break!
Congrats to my good friends Kim & Ian who just purchased a new house! :D Going to see it this weekend!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Steamboat Springs
A quaint little Colorado town! It's cute here, small and eclectic. Some "authentic" Indian (ie Native American) shops, as well as your typical touristy t-shirt and post card shops. Ate at a nice little Mexican restaurant this eve. I would have had a drink but my head hurts. Altitude adjustment, I'm sure...I've been drinking so much water I've only had three diet pepsi's all day. Part of my headache is probably lack of caffeine! LOL
I miss HU, more than I thought I would. I'm still...uneasy about leaving, but have to keep telling myself there is no reason to NOT trust him. Things have been going along well and I can't allow myself to make something out of nothing. Don't think I can go through another round of pain and feelings of being manipulated. All I can do is trust him. It's hard when my mind wanders, but he really does love me and I do love him. There has to be a level of trust. Just wish he'd trust me with his "private" life... /sigh maybe one day....
Anyway, off to bed! Tomorrow we get up early, pack the car and drive to the camp spot. Hang out there for two days just CHIILLING at the camp spot! :) Sunday we're going to the hot springs and have to leave early on MOnday to get home...flight leaves here at 12:20 and it's a 3 hour drive from Steamboat Springs to Denver. I'm thankful my friend doesn't mind all the driving. She's great! <3
Goodnight!
I miss HU, more than I thought I would. I'm still...uneasy about leaving, but have to keep telling myself there is no reason to NOT trust him. Things have been going along well and I can't allow myself to make something out of nothing. Don't think I can go through another round of pain and feelings of being manipulated. All I can do is trust him. It's hard when my mind wanders, but he really does love me and I do love him. There has to be a level of trust. Just wish he'd trust me with his "private" life... /sigh maybe one day....
Anyway, off to bed! Tomorrow we get up early, pack the car and drive to the camp spot. Hang out there for two days just CHIILLING at the camp spot! :) Sunday we're going to the hot springs and have to leave early on MOnday to get home...flight leaves here at 12:20 and it's a 3 hour drive from Steamboat Springs to Denver. I'm thankful my friend doesn't mind all the driving. She's great! <3
Goodnight!
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