More action needed, less "talk" please

I've started typing out my own divorce papers. We talked and talked and talked, neither is willing to budge at this point.

He won't see how going out with other women just isn't right...after all, they're "just friends". He doesn't see that *I* used to be that person he wanted to spend time with. He said it's because I was the only person he knew here. Ouch.

My concerns aren't valid and don't matter. His needs are all that matters. He said last night that he gave up everything to be with me...all his friends. I know that...I warned him to be sure he wanted to do that.

I DO have trust issues. I DO have jealous issues. I DO have fear of losing him issues. Those aren't the I DO's that I choose to focus on when I think about being married though. Nor should I have to. Being married is work. It's committment. It's hard. It's putting other people's needs before your own. It's responsibility. It's being beside that person, no matter what.

Bottom line, I told him he could see a slasher movie (because I won't go to those) with a friend who is a female, but that's it. That's all I'll give him right now because I can't give any more.

I need to get a hobby of my own... *sigh*

How to forgive...

Just don't care. That's the only way really. If you care about someone, it's REALLY hard to forgive when they've wronged you. You just can't fathom how they could hurt you so bad if they cared at all about you.

In order for me to forgive my husband for going on a "DATE" with another woman, I really can't CARE what he does, or who he does it with. But, I'm not sure I can NOT care about my husband. The man I married and vowed to be with through everything. This is one thing I'm not sure I can "be with him" on...him "seeing" other women. He says they're just friends and it "SUCKS that he can't have a friend just because she's a woman". To a certain extent I agree...but there are limits and boundaries.

I agreed to "allow" him to go to movies with "friends" no matter what they have/don't have in their pants. That's all I agreed to though. Friday night was "HIS night out"...he wasn't going to be home until after 10pm. He led me to believe he was working overtime. He did...30 minutes. He and ASHLEY had hours to kill until the 8:10 showing of "Friday the 13th", so they decided to go to a great little pizza place that his FAMILY goes to frequently, Nick & Elenas. Did he call me to see what *I* was doing for dinner? No. He was LITERALLY down the street from his home where his WIFE was taking care of HIS (not mine!) daughter. Did he invited us to meet him there? No. If she's "just a friend" ... why the hell not?

This, my friends, was a mother fucking date. It was not two friends going to a show that I agreed to. This was dinner and a movie. He paid for her ticket. Got it the night before. He doesn't plan that well for me, why the FUCK does he need to do that for her? We go to the show, I pay. I'm sorry, but I .. am.. betrayed.

I told him yesterday that I sure hope ASHLEY is worth it, that the hacker/slasher movie was worth it. Because he's ruining our relationship by inviting this shit in. He of course says I'm overreacting. Sorry the day before Valentine's day he takes another woman out to dinner and a movie. I got NOTHING from him and when I asked him about it, he said "Valentine's day is just another day...nothing special"...I lost it. I told him it meant something to me, so that alone should make it special.

oh ...and by the way...he's never ONCE mentioned Ashley when talking about folks from work. Not ONCE. He talks about other folks all the time. Pam, Tracey, Janet, Barb...and I've met all of them. Not ONCE has he said ANYTHING about anyone named Ashley.

I asked him why he bought her ticket..."because she bought my lunch so I owed her money anyway"...*sigh* Do you know how many times he's turned down my invitation to lunch over the last 3 weeks??? But he can manage to go to lunch with her, or ask her to bring something back when she goes out or whatever? It's ...just...not...RIGHT. But I'm just supposed to sit back and love him and give him sex whenever he wants and faun all over him all the time?

I think....it's over. Not sure I can forgive all this hurt, nor do I think he wants me to.

Well...

I left...and I just went driving. I drove down highway 70 with no destination in mind at all. I got as far as Columbia, MO and ALMOST went to Kansas City, but turned around and came back. "Talking" to him the whole way I was driving. It was almost a 4 hour conversation of ... nothing. Me saying things he wasn't hearing. Him blaming me for all that's wrong in our relationship. Me hurting more and more as he talked about how "important" it is to him to have other friends that are women. How I'm just secluding him and keeping him at home, when the reality is he's gone more than he's here.

I told him if he wants a roommate he can pay half of everything. If he wants a fuckbuddy...that aint who I am, or will ever be for him. If he wants a WIFE, he needs to put my needs before his own and respect my wishes as much as I have to respect his.

It's the last straw really. I hope we can mend things, but he's not willing to go to counselling, and I'm sure he won't be changing anytime soon. So, I either have to allow him to live his life, let him come and go as he pleases and "TRUST" him, or let him go completely. I'm ready to take door #2 if necessary...I just hope he can change and realize door #1 isn't really an option for me. I'd rather have the curtain, Bob, that reveals a partnership and a relationship of communication and love.

*spins the wheel to see where it lands* Sad, huh? *sigh* That's how it all feels right now though. Completely nothing I can do about it, because I can't NOT care about him, where he is, or what he's doing/who he's doing it with. I can't NOT love him. He said its bordering obsession...I call it CARING about the person I love. I can't believe a man who is away more than he is home could possibly feel "smothered". If he does, clearly this isn't the relationship for him.

I can't take anymore really....I'm *THIS* close to a nervous breakdown if I'm not there already. I cry all the time. I'm miserable. After our talk today...either things will change, or they won't. Either way, I'm ready for what lies ahead. =/

Oh yeah...Happy Valentine's Day

I think I'm going out for the day...won't tell him where I'm going or when I'll be back. I've already packed a bag, so maybe I'll head out of town and just ... BE.

Happy Valentine's Day....yeah right. *sigh*

When your sanity hangs by a thread...

It's best not to pull too hard.
I'm at a complete loss. My husband, who is supposed to love me unconditionally, has decided he has a burning need for social interaction that is yet to be satisfied. When I last posted, we had a huge "discussion" about a lot of different things. He disclosed to me that I am "stifling him" and he thinks it's ridiculous that he can't have a friend of the female persuasion.
Last night, he went out with someone that he works with. And although I'm OK with him actually going to a movie with a girl that is a friend, he lied to me about a lot of the details. How am I supposed to trust him?

• Detail #1: He said he was probably not going to make the early show and would need to go to the 8pm one and he guessed he would work overtime to "fill the gap".
• Fact #1: He left work after a whopping 30 minutes of OT, and bought his tickets THE NIGHT BEFORE...he knew all along he was going to the later show.
• Detail #2: He gave me NO indication that he was going to dinner with this person(s) (I still don't know who he went with)
• Fact #2: He went to dinner RIGHT DOWN THE STREET from the house and didn't think to call me and let me know, or ask if I wanted to join them for dinner. (No, I don't want to see Friday the 13th, but dinner out with friends is always nice)
  Nevermind the fact that I'm left home to care for HIS daughter (by his ex, not MY kid) who is also diabetic and a royal pain in the a$$. She is spoiled rotten and he doesn't care about the stress THAT puts me in either.
• Now he says he didn't "LIE" since he said he MAY work overtime, never said he was going to. Yet he didn't bother to call me all day, or message me that plans changed etc. He led me to believe one thing then did another.
• Detail #3: He also just sold his RC car to a friend. Last I heard, he was thinking about it. Next thing I know...Ian's coming over to pick it up. No discussion about how much to sell it for, what payment arrangements had been made, etc. When I told him I wasn't happy about that, he said, "now I have to ask PERMISSION to sell my things??" I replied, "NO, but it *was* a financial decision that we should have made TOGETHER...just like the anniversary band (that I LOVE, it's a GORGEOUS ring) that I was considering selling. I talked to you about it, I didn't just go do it."
• Fact #3: I'm not supposed to "butt in" to "HIS business"
• Detail #4: I asked him yesterday for his monthly contribution to our financials ... a whopping $125/month this guy gives me ... I was told he wasn't sure if he had it, he has bills to pay.
• Fact #4: He supposedly has at least $100 put aside for me to frame a print he gave me for Christmas. It's still not framed, he hasn't given me the money. He told me to go do it and he'll pay me back. I'm sure he's hoping I'll do it cheaper than $100 and he can keep the difference...Merry Fucking Christmas to me huh? He also has money in savings and in his daughter's savings that he could have tapped into until he's paid again. Not to mention the fact that he literraly JUST SOLD his RC car to his friend so I know he has that money as well. "I didn't think about that" he told me when I asked him about that... Fact #4a: I asked him for my money, he HAD the means to give it to me, and he refused. Some partnership...
• Detail #5: He measures the "success" of a relationship by how much intercourse he gets to partake in.
• Fact #5: He actually got ANGRY at ME for not wanting to have sex with him the night my ex served me with papers about custody changes. Gee...I'm sorry, I'm a bit stressed and upset right now! Again, it's all about HIM and HIS needs...nevermind me or mine.
• Detail #6: I got REALLY messed up drunk one time at a happy hour (the one and ONLY time I drank to excess)...I was told that I called him to come pick me up I didn't think I could drive.
• Fact #6: He was already in bed and wouldn't come get me...I attempted to drive home and wrecked the car. Thank GOD it wasn't worse...
  

From the start, I ignored the fact that he puts everyone and everything aside to focus on only himself. I also ignored the "signs" that he cares very little about me and how much he's been using me.

When I need him, he's not there. When I need support and encouragement, he's elsewhere. When I need to discuss something, I can't even finish a sentence before he tries to twist things into being my fault for (ultimately) not giving him enough sex.
Now...while my sanity hangs by a thread, I'm at a loss about what to do. I still love him (I think???) and don't want this relationship to end. But, he's not going to change and I'm not sure that I even care anymore if he does or not. Which means, I guess, that I AM ready for the relationship to end, even if I don't WANT it to.

I'm tired of fighting all the time. I'm tired of dealing with his high maintenance daughter when he obviously doesn't want to. I'm tired of the stress and pressure it's putting on me and MY kids. I'm just tired.

And now for something completely different....

I found an old link to my nephew's blog....and actually *remembered* how to add it to my subscriptions here. Guess you CAN teach an old dog new tricks...

That being said, I really am quite proud of Jared and his many talents. He may not realize it, and I know I haven't said it enough (ever to him directly??) but he is one cool kid. Ok, he's not a kid at all anymore, but I still think of him as MY nephew...and if he's still a kid to me, I'm still young.

Jared's talents span so many different areas I can't even begin to fathom how he can possibly BE so talented and creative. I'm actually pretty envious. From artwork, to playwriting, to songwriting, to directing and acting...and he's wonderful at them ALL.

New year, many changes~ stress level high

It's 2009 and apparently the year for changes.

I found out a couple weeks ago that the Branch that I manage will be closing. Thankfully, all employees are keeping their jobs, but it's a stressor anyway. New responsibilties, new branch, major changes.

Thursday, I took my daughter to the doctor who decided she needed to change her meds. My ex is disputing this need (I wasn't aware he got a medical degree in the last 5 years...) and is giving me fits about the medicine she's supposed to take starting tomorrow. Why does he have to be such an idiotic moron?? *sigh*

My step-daughter has been nothing but trouble since she came back from her mom's. Last night she was caught lying AND stealing from another kid at school. *double sigh*

My husband finds it necessary to work on an RC helicopter instead of dealing with his daughter and her issues. I won't deny him freedom or fun, but I can't talk to him anymore and it's really wearing on our relationship.

My duties as President-elect for the Chamber of Commerce are getting to be cumbersome, but I can't admit it. I need to excel in this area for myself and for my company. This could be a GREAT career booster if I can "shine" and make it through the next two years...

I hope to keep this blog updated because it may be my only outlet to remain somewhat sane during this year. I hope I can remember to visit and update it regularly...