Well it's been 4 days with no kids and we've been in good spirits together. We actually worked together to clean up the basement and put a good dent in purging a crapton of JUNK down there.
HU told me he has to work mandatory overtime this week. Conveniently, that will be on Saturday while I'm at work. I need to learn how to re-train my brain to NOT distrust him when he says stuff like this. My mind immediately went to: "great, guess he's going to hang out with folks from work" (Specifically, Ashley who he's not mentioned in quite some time)
He still gets very defensive and I still have some major trust issues. *sigh* It's something I have to change within myself, but I am really struggling to figure out HOW.
Maybe it's that whole self-fulfilling prophesy thing...if I THINK there's problems and issues, I'm CREATING them myself by thinking that way??? Maybe there really ISN'T anything to be mistrustful about. Still, he hurt me...badly. And I'm trying to forgive and move on. Does doubt pass eventually? Will the pain lessen like when a loved one dies...each day getting a bit more bearable?
I am thankful for the time we have together...trying to rebuild what we once had. Just hope we can.
Steph is officially gone. For two years is the plan. While this was NOT the best thing for HER, I DO believe it was the best thing for ME...and for our marriage. I hope she matures some while gone, and I hope her mother will be responsible and provide her stability she needs. If she does, maybe she'll keep custody of her and we can just have visitation, which is, I think, ideal for my entire family. Time will tell....I love her and I do miss her. I don't miss the aggrevation she caused in my home though.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
June...a new beginning??
February sucked, March was stressful, April was dreadful, May...moronic. June...a new beginning???
Last night, my step daughter left to go back to Vegas and live with her Mom. While I KNOW I did all I could to provide her a stable loving home environment here for the last two years, I can't help but revel in the fact she's gone. It's been two long years and has created a huge strain on my home, my marriage, my mental and physical health.
I'm tired, but relieved. I have a HUGE mess to clean up in her room. She has a guinea pig and it's disgusting. Hay everywhere, poop everywhere, food everywhere...she didn't bother to keep anything clean or organized.
Friday was my day off, my mother in law was driving in from Chicago and I spent the afternoon at the hospital with my step daughter because she didn't take care of herself and her illness (diabetes). She did things her way or no way, and I am completely relieved to have the stressor removed from my life.
HU and I may never recover from this. There's a wedge between us now that I can't ignore. There's resentment and anger...hurt and depression. He just carries on as if nothing's changed. It didn't affect him at all everything she put me through. I seriously almost had a nervous break down. Maybe I did...who knows.
We'll see how the next two weeks go for us. There won't be any kids in the house for two whole weeks. It's time to rebuild our relationship or completely move on. The choice will be his.
Last night, my step daughter left to go back to Vegas and live with her Mom. While I KNOW I did all I could to provide her a stable loving home environment here for the last two years, I can't help but revel in the fact she's gone. It's been two long years and has created a huge strain on my home, my marriage, my mental and physical health.
I'm tired, but relieved. I have a HUGE mess to clean up in her room. She has a guinea pig and it's disgusting. Hay everywhere, poop everywhere, food everywhere...she didn't bother to keep anything clean or organized.
Friday was my day off, my mother in law was driving in from Chicago and I spent the afternoon at the hospital with my step daughter because she didn't take care of herself and her illness (diabetes). She did things her way or no way, and I am completely relieved to have the stressor removed from my life.
HU and I may never recover from this. There's a wedge between us now that I can't ignore. There's resentment and anger...hurt and depression. He just carries on as if nothing's changed. It didn't affect him at all everything she put me through. I seriously almost had a nervous break down. Maybe I did...who knows.
We'll see how the next two weeks go for us. There won't be any kids in the house for two whole weeks. It's time to rebuild our relationship or completely move on. The choice will be his.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mother's Day...
We spent the day outside at my Mom's today doing her yardwork (weeding and planting her annual flowers). It loooks really good, but my allergies really flared up horribly. I'm just miserable. And not just from allergies.
HU didn't bother to take the kids to get me anything for Mother's Day. Didn't really expect him to, but gee it would have been nice. Guess it was more important to work on his RC Helicopter and show off for all the neighbors that he can "fly" the thing. I worked Saturday morning....perfect opportunity for him to take the kids to the Walgreens A BLOCK AWAY and get me a candy bar and a card. /sigh oh well.
He had money to take Steph horseback rididng, but no money to get me anything. He asked me today if I wanted him to take me to dinner on Tuesday night for Mother's day. I told him no. First of all, my kids won't even be WITH me that night...not much of a Mother's day celebration without my kids there. Secondly, he won't get paid before Tuesday. If he doesn't have money now, what makes him think he'll have it on Tuesday???
I'm really depressed and tired of the bullshit with him. He's super selfish and I'm really just tired of being second to everything else in his life.
My daughter, while getting her boyfriend some candy for their "eight month anniversary" attempted to buy me a rose, but didn't have enough money. I just told her to put it back. Once again, doesn't mean much if it's last minute as an afterthought and I have to help pitch in to buy it. She said she thought about making me breakfast in bed, but woke up too late. oh well...
I don't mean to sound ungrateful or like I DEMAND gifts...but a bit of acknowledgement for all I do would be nice once in awhile. It never comes. I'm tired of crying and feeling like crap...feeling like I don't matter. Maybe I'm just tired....
HU didn't bother to take the kids to get me anything for Mother's Day. Didn't really expect him to, but gee it would have been nice. Guess it was more important to work on his RC Helicopter and show off for all the neighbors that he can "fly" the thing. I worked Saturday morning....perfect opportunity for him to take the kids to the Walgreens A BLOCK AWAY and get me a candy bar and a card. /sigh oh well.
He had money to take Steph horseback rididng, but no money to get me anything. He asked me today if I wanted him to take me to dinner on Tuesday night for Mother's day. I told him no. First of all, my kids won't even be WITH me that night...not much of a Mother's day celebration without my kids there. Secondly, he won't get paid before Tuesday. If he doesn't have money now, what makes him think he'll have it on Tuesday???
I'm really depressed and tired of the bullshit with him. He's super selfish and I'm really just tired of being second to everything else in his life.
My daughter, while getting her boyfriend some candy for their "eight month anniversary" attempted to buy me a rose, but didn't have enough money. I just told her to put it back. Once again, doesn't mean much if it's last minute as an afterthought and I have to help pitch in to buy it. She said she thought about making me breakfast in bed, but woke up too late. oh well...
I don't mean to sound ungrateful or like I DEMAND gifts...but a bit of acknowledgement for all I do would be nice once in awhile. It never comes. I'm tired of crying and feeling like crap...feeling like I don't matter. Maybe I'm just tired....
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Realizations
I've come to the realization that I am a complete enabler. Except when it comes to enabling myself. I can't seem to enable myself to be strong, powerful, or happy.
I enabled my ex husband to bully me in court 6+ years ago. When my daughter was in the 3rd grade, I knew. I knew she was struggling in school, I started filling out a questionnaire form about ADhD relative to my son and recognized signs in my daughter. The day I was supposed to have her tested, my ex had me served at work...claiming I was "denying his parental rights". Because he was (and still is) in denial. Nothing could be wrong with his little girl. His ego continued to stand in the way. The courts appointed a mediater that decided we should go through counselling at school, which led to family therapy, which led to her seeing a psychologist for depression. ALL of this could have been avoided so long ago. Even now he doesn't believe she has ADhD and as of Feb was refusing to give her medication to assist her. NOW we have an official diagnosis from a doctor HE chose. And he still refuses to acknowlege it's part of the problem. Yes, she has learning disabilities...yes, she'll need tutoring and ongoing therapy and maintenance for chronic depression. None of which changes the fact that she has been diagnosed with ADhD. A completely TREATABLE issue.
The realization I have come to: I CANNOT enable him to continue to deny her the treatment that she needs to be successful.
I need to stop being an enabler. Period.
I enabled my ex husband to bully me in court 6+ years ago. When my daughter was in the 3rd grade, I knew. I knew she was struggling in school, I started filling out a questionnaire form about ADhD relative to my son and recognized signs in my daughter. The day I was supposed to have her tested, my ex had me served at work...claiming I was "denying his parental rights". Because he was (and still is) in denial. Nothing could be wrong with his little girl. His ego continued to stand in the way. The courts appointed a mediater that decided we should go through counselling at school, which led to family therapy, which led to her seeing a psychologist for depression. ALL of this could have been avoided so long ago. Even now he doesn't believe she has ADhD and as of Feb was refusing to give her medication to assist her. NOW we have an official diagnosis from a doctor HE chose. And he still refuses to acknowlege it's part of the problem. Yes, she has learning disabilities...yes, she'll need tutoring and ongoing therapy and maintenance for chronic depression. None of which changes the fact that she has been diagnosed with ADhD. A completely TREATABLE issue.
The realization I have come to: I CANNOT enable him to continue to deny her the treatment that she needs to be successful.
I need to stop being an enabler. Period.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Calming down
I'm finally starting to really get settled in at work. Things are calming down a bit for me there.
If I could just get my personal life under control that'd be amazing. HU and I got into a big argument this evening over ... Facebook of all things. I posted a message that I won't be checking my facebook page for...awhile. He asked why. I told him because I don't need to see him "flirting" and making lunch dates with other women. It hurts too much and he just wants to blame me for being "ridiculous".
I'm tired of my feelings being dismissed by him and made to feel like my feelings don't matter. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like an outsider in my own life.
Worst part is: I can't talk to him at all anymore without it turning into a huge all out disagreement. We have NOTHING in common and I'm not sure I enjoy his company at all anymore.
I'm just tired. All I wanted to do was remove the facebook IN YOUR FACE at me from my life so I can focus on the important things. Life's too short to be unhappy.
If I could just get my personal life under control that'd be amazing. HU and I got into a big argument this evening over ... Facebook of all things. I posted a message that I won't be checking my facebook page for...awhile. He asked why. I told him because I don't need to see him "flirting" and making lunch dates with other women. It hurts too much and he just wants to blame me for being "ridiculous".
I'm tired of my feelings being dismissed by him and made to feel like my feelings don't matter. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like an outsider in my own life.
Worst part is: I can't talk to him at all anymore without it turning into a huge all out disagreement. We have NOTHING in common and I'm not sure I enjoy his company at all anymore.
I'm just tired. All I wanted to do was remove the facebook IN YOUR FACE at me from my life so I can focus on the important things. Life's too short to be unhappy.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
New Branch, new challenges..
Well...I'm officially "settled" into my new office. As settled as I can be considering I've been thrown in there with no training on new systems and am flying by the seat of my pants. LOL
All in all, it's a beautiful branch and I'm having fun getting to know the employees there. They're really a great bunch of folks that work like well oiled machine. They have great teamwork, so 1/2 my battle is won already. Now I just have to justify to the big guys that I need more help. We'll see but that likely won't happen for a couple of months if at all.
Steph has been in her room all night. HU is out working overtime and supposedly going by home depot on his way home to get the last bit of trim we need to finish off the living room.
Michelle is still ... distant...toward me and I can't help but feeling like I missed many opportunities to have a great relationship with her because I have to be focused on work and other issues in my life. She senses the disconnects between HU and myself I know, and she's naturally scared and unhappy and wants to escape that reality I'm sure. *sigh*
For now, I'm taking everything one day at a time and feeling like I'm just trying to wade over to the shallow end from nearly drowning to death just a few short days ago. Funny thing...I used to love to swim.
All in all, it's a beautiful branch and I'm having fun getting to know the employees there. They're really a great bunch of folks that work like well oiled machine. They have great teamwork, so 1/2 my battle is won already. Now I just have to justify to the big guys that I need more help. We'll see but that likely won't happen for a couple of months if at all.
Steph has been in her room all night. HU is out working overtime and supposedly going by home depot on his way home to get the last bit of trim we need to finish off the living room.
Michelle is still ... distant...toward me and I can't help but feeling like I missed many opportunities to have a great relationship with her because I have to be focused on work and other issues in my life. She senses the disconnects between HU and myself I know, and she's naturally scared and unhappy and wants to escape that reality I'm sure. *sigh*
For now, I'm taking everything one day at a time and feeling like I'm just trying to wade over to the shallow end from nearly drowning to death just a few short days ago. Funny thing...I used to love to swim.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Long time no post
Things have been ... crazy here lately. Must be why I feel like that's where I'm going.
Branch officially closed on Tuesday. Wednesday was spent cleaning up and clearing out last minute supplies. Spent a little time at the new branch Wednesday afternoon (about 2 hours or so) trying to get settled in. First day at the new branch was on Thursday. I had a Board meeting on Thursday, so that was a major interruption into getting settled in. Thursday and Friday were slammed busy and I'm just not used to that kind of lobby traffic. There's also a "penalty box" front desk area that had to be manned at all times by two people. Phones ring, folks interrupt you no matter what you're doing, and you're expected to give exceptional service to all of them all the time. I really hate the penalty box... All this coupled with the fact that I have a small staff (inadequate in number to handle the traffic) and they're not actively seeking to fill the two part time positions I have open right now. *sigh* I'm not very happy...I was excited to be moving to new challenges, but now, I'm really not happy. I HOPE that the traffic slows a little bit and this last week was just the "OMFG! My old branch is CLOSED! I need to rush over to the new place and check it out!!" frenzy that will fade away a bit. I also think some of the increased traffic was just from it being a bad time of the month to do this change over. We'll see...I feel like I've been thrown to the wolves. My lead teller is on vacation. My assistant manager is going on comp Monday afternoon and I have NO clue how to even run a teller station here at this new place because it's completly high tech and I haven't been trained how to used the cash dispensers or RTS units. I'm nervous and in unfamiliar territory and it's NOT where I wanted to be while going through so much else in my personal life right now...
I cried myself to sleep on Thursday night. Michelle wants to go live with her dad because that's the easy place to be. She and I have a decent relationship, but he's like her best buddy....which is honestly great, but I want so badly to have that with her. Guess I'm a bit jealous of that, but honestly, I truly believe that I'm helping to prepare her for her future, not just "playing" in the present. I'm not sure I can have the kind of relationship with her I want, at least not now, especially since he's filled her head full of crap and allows her all the freedoms she wants. I want to protect and help her while making her happy, he just wants to make her happy. She thinks I'm the enemy just trying to fill her full of medicine that won't help her anyway. Nevermind the fact her moods were under control and she was reasonable when on her meds properly before...She had some psych testing done and the Dr. spoke to the ex and told him she has some learning difficulties and specifically mentioned to him dyslexia. (I'm getting all this from him though, so who knows what else she's said....) We're supposed to meet with her on the 27th and get some results in detail then.
HU and I are still on the outs frequently. I'm tired of trying to make things work and patch things up while he wants to continue to live his life without me being included. I swear I think I'm going mental. I feel obsessed in finding things out and needing even more information now more than ever. I've never felt so insecure, yet he assures me I have nothing to worry about or be insecure over. It's like I'm just waiting for the bomb to drop and I don't like it.
I'm almost the big 40, my body is starting to look it. The grey hair comes in faster, and I've no energy for much of anything.
I went to dinner Friday night with my best friend and a couple other folks we went to high school with. It was nice, but I found myself sitting there wondering ... WTF happened to me??? Lynn is married, has two beautiful boys and spoke about their family biking on the Katy Trail. Sandy is competing in a 13 mile marathon has a son and a husband who's a personal trainer. Dana has three kids a husband who owns his own business and went on and on about her kids and all the activities they're involved in. I can barely get my kids out the door to go eat, much less be involved in anything. Michelle's in the band, John isn't involved in anything. WTF kind of parent have I been really? I'm just trying to make enough money to keep the household running and I don't have a kind of job that allows me to run kids all over creation. I simply don't know how they do it.
I have been extremely depressed and out of it. I want my husband's attention...he's out hunting for ghosts this eve. *sigh*
I have two more evaluations to write by the 15th of this month. I hope I can get them done.
Branch officially closed on Tuesday. Wednesday was spent cleaning up and clearing out last minute supplies. Spent a little time at the new branch Wednesday afternoon (about 2 hours or so) trying to get settled in. First day at the new branch was on Thursday. I had a Board meeting on Thursday, so that was a major interruption into getting settled in. Thursday and Friday were slammed busy and I'm just not used to that kind of lobby traffic. There's also a "penalty box" front desk area that had to be manned at all times by two people. Phones ring, folks interrupt you no matter what you're doing, and you're expected to give exceptional service to all of them all the time. I really hate the penalty box... All this coupled with the fact that I have a small staff (inadequate in number to handle the traffic) and they're not actively seeking to fill the two part time positions I have open right now. *sigh* I'm not very happy...I was excited to be moving to new challenges, but now, I'm really not happy. I HOPE that the traffic slows a little bit and this last week was just the "OMFG! My old branch is CLOSED! I need to rush over to the new place and check it out!!" frenzy that will fade away a bit. I also think some of the increased traffic was just from it being a bad time of the month to do this change over. We'll see...I feel like I've been thrown to the wolves. My lead teller is on vacation. My assistant manager is going on comp Monday afternoon and I have NO clue how to even run a teller station here at this new place because it's completly high tech and I haven't been trained how to used the cash dispensers or RTS units. I'm nervous and in unfamiliar territory and it's NOT where I wanted to be while going through so much else in my personal life right now...
I cried myself to sleep on Thursday night. Michelle wants to go live with her dad because that's the easy place to be. She and I have a decent relationship, but he's like her best buddy....which is honestly great, but I want so badly to have that with her. Guess I'm a bit jealous of that, but honestly, I truly believe that I'm helping to prepare her for her future, not just "playing" in the present. I'm not sure I can have the kind of relationship with her I want, at least not now, especially since he's filled her head full of crap and allows her all the freedoms she wants. I want to protect and help her while making her happy, he just wants to make her happy. She thinks I'm the enemy just trying to fill her full of medicine that won't help her anyway. Nevermind the fact her moods were under control and she was reasonable when on her meds properly before...She had some psych testing done and the Dr. spoke to the ex and told him she has some learning difficulties and specifically mentioned to him dyslexia. (I'm getting all this from him though, so who knows what else she's said....) We're supposed to meet with her on the 27th and get some results in detail then.
HU and I are still on the outs frequently. I'm tired of trying to make things work and patch things up while he wants to continue to live his life without me being included. I swear I think I'm going mental. I feel obsessed in finding things out and needing even more information now more than ever. I've never felt so insecure, yet he assures me I have nothing to worry about or be insecure over. It's like I'm just waiting for the bomb to drop and I don't like it.
I'm almost the big 40, my body is starting to look it. The grey hair comes in faster, and I've no energy for much of anything.
I went to dinner Friday night with my best friend and a couple other folks we went to high school with. It was nice, but I found myself sitting there wondering ... WTF happened to me??? Lynn is married, has two beautiful boys and spoke about their family biking on the Katy Trail. Sandy is competing in a 13 mile marathon has a son and a husband who's a personal trainer. Dana has three kids a husband who owns his own business and went on and on about her kids and all the activities they're involved in. I can barely get my kids out the door to go eat, much less be involved in anything. Michelle's in the band, John isn't involved in anything. WTF kind of parent have I been really? I'm just trying to make enough money to keep the household running and I don't have a kind of job that allows me to run kids all over creation. I simply don't know how they do it.
I have been extremely depressed and out of it. I want my husband's attention...he's out hunting for ghosts this eve. *sigh*
I have two more evaluations to write by the 15th of this month. I hope I can get them done.
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