Well...

I left...and I just went driving. I drove down highway 70 with no destination in mind at all. I got as far as Columbia, MO and ALMOST went to Kansas City, but turned around and came back. "Talking" to him the whole way I was driving. It was almost a 4 hour conversation of ... nothing. Me saying things he wasn't hearing. Him blaming me for all that's wrong in our relationship. Me hurting more and more as he talked about how "important" it is to him to have other friends that are women. How I'm just secluding him and keeping him at home, when the reality is he's gone more than he's here.

I told him if he wants a roommate he can pay half of everything. If he wants a fuckbuddy...that aint who I am, or will ever be for him. If he wants a WIFE, he needs to put my needs before his own and respect my wishes as much as I have to respect his.

It's the last straw really. I hope we can mend things, but he's not willing to go to counselling, and I'm sure he won't be changing anytime soon. So, I either have to allow him to live his life, let him come and go as he pleases and "TRUST" him, or let him go completely. I'm ready to take door #2 if necessary...I just hope he can change and realize door #1 isn't really an option for me. I'd rather have the curtain, Bob, that reveals a partnership and a relationship of communication and love.

*spins the wheel to see where it lands* Sad, huh? *sigh* That's how it all feels right now though. Completely nothing I can do about it, because I can't NOT care about him, where he is, or what he's doing/who he's doing it with. I can't NOT love him. He said its bordering obsession...I call it CARING about the person I love. I can't believe a man who is away more than he is home could possibly feel "smothered". If he does, clearly this isn't the relationship for him.

I can't take anymore really....I'm *THIS* close to a nervous breakdown if I'm not there already. I cry all the time. I'm miserable. After our talk today...either things will change, or they won't. Either way, I'm ready for what lies ahead. =/