Call logs...

I knew HU's other "friend" attempted to call him, so while he was in the shower today, I checked his call log to get her number. Just in case we become really great friends you know I'll be able to reach her...

Anyway, troubling things I found:
1.) HE called HER way back as early on as Feb 2nd. About the time we got into our first big arguement and he got me to agree to let him go to movies with "friends that are girls"
2.) There have been several calls this month BEFORE he asked permission for her to call him Thursday night.
3.) There were two separate calls to two different gun shops. WTF?!?? He hasn't mentioned to me anything at all about wanting to own a gun or look for one, etc.

Now I'm freaking out and how do I tell him I know about the calls to the gun shops...he'll call me a snoop and untrustworthy (meaning I'll NEVER trust him) because I checked the call log in the first place.

Now...it's a matter of safety as I don't want guns in the house at all and maybe he's not even considering getting one, but why else do you call a place like that?!?

Somebody stop me...

I have been out of the house the last two days and have spent $300ish.

I stopped by game stop yesterday to check out used psp and wii games for the kids. Asked the guy, hey, do you happen to have a wii fit? Yep, I have ONE...do you want it? *Impulse buy* YES! So I got the wii fit, the yoga mat and sleeve for the balance board and a recargeable battery pack. $150 later, I walk out without any games for the kids, which is why I went in in the first place! LOL

Today, I went to the spa. Had my first facial ever and it was NIIIICCE! She even gave me an upper body massage with it, which was a nice surprise, I really didn't expect it. Of course when I was done, there were about 5 products she recommended as "ESSENTIAL" to maintaining and repairing my skin. So I bought them. $120 later I am feeling great. (First time in a while)

SO...no more spending for me. Need to get back to business and deal with stuff here. I got a text from HU that simply said "*hugs* Love you :)" which was nice. But again, no phone call on his break or during his lunch. Guess he's too busy sharing the meatloaf he needed me to help him make last night with his FRIENDS. *sigh*

I'm really at a loss. I love him deeply. I'm hurt deeply. Which one wins and takes over as the stronger emotion? I talked a LOT with a friend of mine yesterday (Thank you, btw, you know who you are...I owe you much!) and she really helped me put some perspective on a few things.

A.) He REALLY doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. He REALLY sees this as "just friends" and as such feels I am overreacting about lots of things.
B.) He's not doing any of it to HURT me (though he continues to even though he knows it does...can't figure that one out yet)
C.) As a man, he just doesn't "get it" the way I do

She suggested that I set limits and talk to him. What's acceptable and what isn't. We've tried that, but I'm not above trying again.

HU came home and gave me a kiss hello...I kissed him back briefly. "Is that all I get?" ...Yep. "You don't love me anymore?"... I'm still trying to figure it out. I RATIONALLY and REASONABLY spoke to him yesterday and told him that this "friendship" with this other woman is going too far. I honestly and wholeheartedly don't believe he has interest in her, or intends to persue an intimate relationship with her physically. My issue is the level of intimacy they're attaining together, while our intimacy is crumbling around me. It's so hard to explain really. But seriously, this girl, almost half his age, has NO ONE else to talk to or even WANTS to talk to about her court "drama"?? Why does she feel so connected to HU?? It may be innocent on his part, but I see signs on her part that he's not seeing. He says I have no proof of anything supporting that "theory"....I say her actions are proof enough and I'm not waiting around for PHYSICAL things to happen for proof.

I dunno, I'm overwhelmed everywhere I turn. I don't want to make irrational decisions, but all the signs point to what I believe is going on in my gut. I can't ignore how I feel. If he chooses to ignore how I feel, he'll have made a choice as well. What's that old song by Rush say: "If you choose not to decide, you'll still have made a choice"

I've stated my case, I've told him my fears (rational or irrational I'm still allowed to have feelings), the rest is up to him.

That'll be $30 please...

Went to the therapist today. Hoping to get some assistance in how to deal with stress. First they need background of what's been going on to CAUSE the stress.

The therapist said, "I'm surprised you're not homicidal" (jokingly of course) She said that everything that I've been feeling is normal and not overreacting. She thought, in fact, I was underreacting and allowing HU to manipulate/control me. =/

After I got back, I was feeling a bit better, not quite as "OMG AM I JUST BEING SO OVER-THE-TOP RIDICULOUS??"....

Michelle started in on the "blue sheets" that we want her to start so we can get up to date grades/missing assignments rather than wait 3 weeks for grades to be posted. I told her I give up. Do the sheets or don't, I'm trying to help her get her phone back and she doesn't even want to try.

HU texted me (didn't even have the courtesy to call)and said his girl-friend has to go to court over a DUI or DWI and wants to call him tonight because she'll be upset. Sorry that's too much her-leaning-on-him for my comfort level.

I tried to talk to him about it...he dismissed it as me not having "proof" that she wants more than to just be friends. I told him he needs to set limits and boundaries and he's getting too involved in this particular co-worker's life. He still wants to say that I'm overreacting and making too much out of nothing. Sorry if it's so much nothing, it shouldn't be an issue to break it off, or at the VERY least back off. Too close for my comfort, respect it or get out.

He said we'll figure it out...it'll be ok. I think he's slowly realizing I really can't take this anymore. Not sure if that matters to him or not, but he's starting to realize it nonetheless.

I'm trying to give him some freedom, trying not to be controlling and demanding, I'm trying to keep an open mind and I DO trust him (at this point) that he's taking this as an innocent friendship and wants nothing more. It's her I don't trust. I'm not sure he sees it completely or ever will...time will tell. For now, I continue to hurt and not sure how much more hurt I can handle without crumbling completely.

How stupid am I??

The rhetorical question of the ages. No one wants to really EVER find out the answer to that question...yet I find myself asking myself that question constantly lately.

How stupid am I that I would let my ex stand in the way of getting my daughter the medical help she needs?

How stupid am I that I want so badly for my relationship with my husband to work, that I'm willing to give up my time with him so he can be with another woman?

How stupid am I that I take on more tasks than I can hope to accomplish successfully?

Meeting with the psychiatrist, daughter and ex yesterday. Doc was appalled at her grades (as were we as her parents of course), she had the worst attitude and was completely disrespectful to the doctor. Welcome back mood swings. *sigh* She was taken off one medicine last month and supposed to have replaced it with another, but the ex refused to administer because it's primarily used to treat ADHD. He's got my daughter so brainwashed to believing that's a BAD BAD thing to be diagnosed with that illness. I'm at a complete loss. Now we start over. New doctor, more testing and questionaires to fill out, we've been all through this. I swear to GOD if anything comes from these tests, I'm taking him back to court for sole legal custody so he can't continue to stand in the way of her treatment. I'm so angry I could spit >.<

Things are (were??) going well with HU. He says he's going to give me more money to help out with the financial stress I've been under (he SHOULD be paying half of everything, but hey, anything more is better than nothing, right?). He said he'd "get rid of" the "work-friend"...which I took to mean he would not be hanging out with her, going to lunch with her, etc. He text messages me today:
"Don't want u mad/upset..But Ashley asked if it was ok to call me tonight for a few minutes. She had to go to court today and wanted someone to talk to about it. Do you think that'll be ok?? Just want to ask to see if your ok with that. Let me know."

How the FUCK am I supposed to respond to this? If I say, hell no I'm not ok with her calling you...I'm a cold hearted bitch controlling him and not allowing him to have friends. If I say sure go ahead...I'm lying. I'm NOT ok with this at all. But he's made me feel so guilty like all of this is just me being insecure and ridiculous, how do I tell him how I REALLY feel???

In the end, I said: "Sure if you can talk to her in front of me...I can't believe she has no one else to talk to about this but if you can help I guess I need to be ok with it"

Not sure that was the right way to handle it or not...I'm NOT ok with it, but I'm TRYING to let him have friends. Here's what I'm NOT ok with....she's upset/hurt/angry/whatever...who does she run to for comfort and support? MY HUSBAND??? She seriously has NO ONE ELSE to talk to?!?! He said she just moved here about a year ago and doesn't have any friends here. What about where she came from?? I'm sure she still has friends/family elsewhere even if not in this area. And a whole year goes by and you've not connected with a FEMALE friend you work with in a way that you're comfy talking about your problems (even a watered down version of them) with her??? I'm just not buying any of what he's selling right now...doesn't add up and it SUCKS.

He said it was no problem to talk in front of me and he'll keep it short as possible. I just don't get it. Why, when he JUST said Sunday, he'd "get rid" of her would he be asking my permission to take her phone call?? Like they don't spend enough time together at work. *sigh*

Then he texts me: "Yes. If possible" out of the clear blue not related to our conversation at all and when I called him out on it, he tried to play it off as talking about he would speak to Michelle if I could keep her from being emo with her boyfriend. Sorry dude, I didn't just fall off the stagecoach...I know how mistells work. =/

All this adds up to trouble beyond trouble and I'm just supposed to IGNORE all these signs.

HOW STUPID AM I?!?!?

So now what...

So I go to lunch with HU on Monday. He says meet him at Quiznos I say ok. I fully expected him to bring Ashley with him...I was nervous, but agreed to meet him. I get to Quiznos, he calls.

HU: "You're at Quiznos aren't you?"
ME: "Yep"
HU: "I'm at Penn Station"
(*sighs and tries to ignore the pit in my stomach*)
ME: "Guess I'll drive over there"
HU: "Nah, stay there I'm already on my way"

So he gets to Quiznos lot and the "Fish Place" (aka Joey's Seafood) is right next door...the place we used to enjoy going for lunch...the place he took Ashley to recently. He says we can go there instead. I tell him whatever he wants to eat as he's watching his diet and I know he likes fish, etc. He chooses Joeys.

We go in and have a seat, we've lost a LOT of time by now and he has to be back within the hour or he gets an occurrence at work, which is like a warning for being tardy. Too many of those and it can spell trouble.

I TRY to talk to him. He wants to do his overtime (OT) on Saturday. ALL THIS TIME, he has NEVER wanted to work Saturdays. NEVER. So I'm trying to understand...why, when all this is going on, would he WANT to work on Saturday? (My mind, of course, goes directly to: Probably because that's when Ashley works) Why does my mind HAVE to go there??? What's WRONG with me that I can't trust him? MAYBE he wants to use that as an excuse to leave the house for a couple hours then come home and surprise me with something nice! MAYBE it's NOT about him spending time with anyone else.... the voice inside me calls me stupid. I hate that voice. We end up in a big argument when all I was trying to do was understand WHY he's done a 180 and WANTS to go in on Saturday. MY FIRST Saturday off in awhile. It's all too much. *sigh*

Later he apologized for lunch and the argument, but *I* still hurt deeply because I can't even TALK to him anymore. We went to Penn Station yesterday and it was nice.

At least we're having the best sex ever in a long time. Maybe fighting isn't all bad when the make up sex is awesome?

It's also looking more and more like his daughter will be moving back to live with her mom. On the one hand, it's what WE need. On the other, it's dangerous to send her back. Her physical and emotional health is at stake and I really don't want to make this decision. So I'll stand by and let them work it out and support HUs decision in this regard.

I'm really looking forward to the therapy session I have scheduled for tomorrow afternoon...I need to know what's wrong with me.

Too much...

It's all too much. All of it.

After HU and I talked about him going to do things with other folks (women friends mostly), I explained that maybe if I met these folks I'd have a better sense of who they are and how they interact with him and my jealousy issues would been lessened considerably. --not gone, but maybe not so much of an issue...-- He said he understood. Apparently he didn't understand, or he just didn't care, because once again, I invited him to lunch and he turned me down. Got stuck on a long call again he said. Shit happens I think to myself and I go to lunch alone. Back at the office later in the afternoon, he says someone stole his pizza from the fridge so "we" went out to get food. The pizza he FREAKED out about btw on the way out the door because Steph ate 2 pieces of it. There were 4 pieces left, enough for a light lunch, but it just wasn't enough....perhaps he needed more so that he could share it... *sigh*

I ask who he went to lunch with...yep, the answer was Ashley. I lost it. I broke down at work. I called Mom to ask her to pick up the kids and get them dinner. I tore out of work and raced to his to try to confront this woman. I sent him a voice mail telling him to meet me at Houlihan's and bring her with. I got there at 10 after 5pm and she was gone already. She lives far away and leaves at 5:01 every day he says. I told him to call her up, let's meet her somewhere else. If it takes 4 hours to get there I didn't care. Obviously this woman means so much to him, the least I could do is drive to go meet her, right? Of course he declined. He paid for her meal too. Now, it could be completely innocent. Perhaps she paid him cash and he just put the whole bill on his debit card. The bill was over $25 though so he definitely bought both meals. *sigh* I ask how much this girl means to him and he couldn't answer me. I ask how old she is..."I dunno, maybe 25 or so?"...great mid life crisis man going for a younger woman. I just can't take this shit and shouldn't have to.

So...fast forward, we talk alot, resolve some things, some things remain unresolved, but we have a nice weekend together after talking more, working through more things. He tells me today that he's planning on doing his overtime on Saturdays now. Until this point....OT was NEVER To be done on Saturdays. He had his committments to work at the hospital, I work on Saturdays, we have the kids, he enjoys his weekends too much to be working half days on Saturdays, etc etc etc. So he's been working late in the evenings instead when there's OT. Usually on Tuesday evenings, but now it's become "better" for him to work Saturdays. Timing sucks since I won't be working Saturdays in March at all since my branch is closing. Feb 21st was our last Satruday to be open and I won't have to work Saturdays until I get assigned to a new branch in April. So I can only assume that Ashley puts in her OT on Saturdays as well. (or some of his other "friends" maybe??) /shrug

He also has a burning desire to make a huge meatloaf to "leave at work" to eat all week. Now, his meal on Friday was just stolen, WTF does he think is going to happen to a whole meatloaf?? I know darn well he's making a huge meatloaf to share with co-workers.

I told him that maybe his Mom's boyfriend's WIFE is ok with him spending his time and money on her, but I am NOT ok with him spending his time and money on another woman. It's just not right.

I thought things were getting better...who am I kidding??~!?

God love Danny Goeke

You know, the American Idol contestant? He's unbelievably talented...and an inspiration.

Danny is the epitome of what it means to "let go" and move on. He wrote in his blog about the crud that takes hold of your heart: Bitterness, anger, hatred, etc. It takes hold, breeds, and expands. It consumes you. You have to let go of those emotions in order to move on.

That's not as easy as it sounds though. Today, I'm trying to "let go". Let go of those feelings, not my relationship. I'm done feeling sorry for myself and hating HU for wanting to be with others more than me and hating myself for not seeing signs every other person I talk to sees. (Love is blind, yes?) Granted, they see the situation through my eyes, so therein could be the problem.

So it's time. I need to let love back in. I need to let kindness take over. I need to be me again. Where did I go?

Therapy...revelaing

So I go to a therapy session with my daughter and ex. Daughter says things are going ok except she's having problems with HU. *sigh*

She says I'm changing/have changed and that I give in to him even when I know it's wrong to do so. DO I?? yikes...have I lost that much of myself in trying to please him, honor him, respect him?? I think I have. I have to get ME back. I am an assertive strong woman...problem is, I want to please everyone. Everyone but me. I'm the provider and caretaker, mother and counselor, doctor and .. whatever else there is to BE.

She says HU argues all the time, curses too much, and all the kids (even his own) are tired of being treated that way.

I'm glad she feels comfortable saying things like this to her therapist and in front of me (just wish it hadn't been in front of the ex, but I'm glad for her comfort level). I just hope that it was due to his unhappiness here that he was acting this way and not because I had blinders on all this time.

God grant me patience...

Don't mind me...I'm just rambling

Another day, another ... day I guess.

I asked HU to call me when he got home. He texted me. GODDAMNIT I have HEARD your voice all day I want to TALK to you, not TYPE to you!!! *sigh*

I had stepped out to Mom's to drop off some tax stuff for my dad to look over. They smoke...alot. I smelled awful when I got home and HU wanted to go out for dinner, so I jumped in the shower. He came in with me and it was nice. It's been a long time since there was any passion, why do we have to go through a world of hurt to rekindle that??

We talked...and talked. I'm tired of talking (and I love to talk!). Not sure he gets it, but we'll see. All I want is some respect and love. Something that makes it obvious to others that he cares about me. I mean like...going out in the morning and scraping the frost off my car windows while I sleep in kinda love. Just being KIND to me. *sigh* We'll see.

I have to take steps to take care of ME right now and just not care what he says/does or what he DOESN'T say/do. That sucks. He's my husband, I'm supposed to care. =/

*sigh*

Yet another dissapointment.

Haven't heard from the "HU" (husband unit as I'll refer to him from now on) all day. After I called him a bit earlier and got his voicemail, I send him a text:

ME: Hello?
Him: Hi
Him: Didn't feel the phone. Had to run to bk for food. Eating now

So I dial him up...most folks can eat and talk at the same time, yes? So I ask him did he get my email...yeah, but ...blah (lame ass excuse for not answering my email--didn't read the whole thing yet--it wasn't that long and just say, will answer this in a bit! grrr! ) blah... He asks can he call me back so he can finish eating. Sure.

Nothing.

Nice.

*sigh*

So the story goes...

Take care of yourself first so that you can take care of others.

Remember the last time you flew in an airplane? That snooty little blonde airline "attendant" gave you instructions to put the oxygen on yourself then fasten your child's?? That's what I need to do...not listen to the blonde, just take care of myself. He looks out for A-#1, right? It's high time for me to do the same.

I've made an appointment to see a doctor. My stomach is ripped apart from all this stress and I haven't eaten substantially or slept much in about 5 days. I half hope and pray he gives me some xanex or something to calm my nerves...then again, how will I know when it's appropriate to take them? I don't want to be a zombie, but I don't want to be like this anymore either...

I've mad an appointment with a therapist, too. I need to learn healthier ways to deal with stress.

I went to the gym today and renewed my membership there. Worked out on the elliptical for 10 mins (gotta start slow, don't judge me!) :) and then walked on the track a few times around. They say exercise is a good stress reliever...I may end up looking like a buff Arnold Schwartzenegger by the time this is all done if so. We'll see.

More action needed, less "talk" please

I've started typing out my own divorce papers. We talked and talked and talked, neither is willing to budge at this point.

He won't see how going out with other women just isn't right...after all, they're "just friends". He doesn't see that *I* used to be that person he wanted to spend time with. He said it's because I was the only person he knew here. Ouch.

My concerns aren't valid and don't matter. His needs are all that matters. He said last night that he gave up everything to be with me...all his friends. I know that...I warned him to be sure he wanted to do that.

I DO have trust issues. I DO have jealous issues. I DO have fear of losing him issues. Those aren't the I DO's that I choose to focus on when I think about being married though. Nor should I have to. Being married is work. It's committment. It's hard. It's putting other people's needs before your own. It's responsibility. It's being beside that person, no matter what.

Bottom line, I told him he could see a slasher movie (because I won't go to those) with a friend who is a female, but that's it. That's all I'll give him right now because I can't give any more.

I need to get a hobby of my own... *sigh*

How to forgive...

Just don't care. That's the only way really. If you care about someone, it's REALLY hard to forgive when they've wronged you. You just can't fathom how they could hurt you so bad if they cared at all about you.

In order for me to forgive my husband for going on a "DATE" with another woman, I really can't CARE what he does, or who he does it with. But, I'm not sure I can NOT care about my husband. The man I married and vowed to be with through everything. This is one thing I'm not sure I can "be with him" on...him "seeing" other women. He says they're just friends and it "SUCKS that he can't have a friend just because she's a woman". To a certain extent I agree...but there are limits and boundaries.

I agreed to "allow" him to go to movies with "friends" no matter what they have/don't have in their pants. That's all I agreed to though. Friday night was "HIS night out"...he wasn't going to be home until after 10pm. He led me to believe he was working overtime. He did...30 minutes. He and ASHLEY had hours to kill until the 8:10 showing of "Friday the 13th", so they decided to go to a great little pizza place that his FAMILY goes to frequently, Nick & Elenas. Did he call me to see what *I* was doing for dinner? No. He was LITERALLY down the street from his home where his WIFE was taking care of HIS (not mine!) daughter. Did he invited us to meet him there? No. If she's "just a friend" ... why the hell not?

This, my friends, was a mother fucking date. It was not two friends going to a show that I agreed to. This was dinner and a movie. He paid for her ticket. Got it the night before. He doesn't plan that well for me, why the FUCK does he need to do that for her? We go to the show, I pay. I'm sorry, but I .. am.. betrayed.

I told him yesterday that I sure hope ASHLEY is worth it, that the hacker/slasher movie was worth it. Because he's ruining our relationship by inviting this shit in. He of course says I'm overreacting. Sorry the day before Valentine's day he takes another woman out to dinner and a movie. I got NOTHING from him and when I asked him about it, he said "Valentine's day is just another day...nothing special"...I lost it. I told him it meant something to me, so that alone should make it special.

oh ...and by the way...he's never ONCE mentioned Ashley when talking about folks from work. Not ONCE. He talks about other folks all the time. Pam, Tracey, Janet, Barb...and I've met all of them. Not ONCE has he said ANYTHING about anyone named Ashley.

I asked him why he bought her ticket..."because she bought my lunch so I owed her money anyway"...*sigh* Do you know how many times he's turned down my invitation to lunch over the last 3 weeks??? But he can manage to go to lunch with her, or ask her to bring something back when she goes out or whatever? It's ...just...not...RIGHT. But I'm just supposed to sit back and love him and give him sex whenever he wants and faun all over him all the time?

I think....it's over. Not sure I can forgive all this hurt, nor do I think he wants me to.

Well...

I left...and I just went driving. I drove down highway 70 with no destination in mind at all. I got as far as Columbia, MO and ALMOST went to Kansas City, but turned around and came back. "Talking" to him the whole way I was driving. It was almost a 4 hour conversation of ... nothing. Me saying things he wasn't hearing. Him blaming me for all that's wrong in our relationship. Me hurting more and more as he talked about how "important" it is to him to have other friends that are women. How I'm just secluding him and keeping him at home, when the reality is he's gone more than he's here.

I told him if he wants a roommate he can pay half of everything. If he wants a fuckbuddy...that aint who I am, or will ever be for him. If he wants a WIFE, he needs to put my needs before his own and respect my wishes as much as I have to respect his.

It's the last straw really. I hope we can mend things, but he's not willing to go to counselling, and I'm sure he won't be changing anytime soon. So, I either have to allow him to live his life, let him come and go as he pleases and "TRUST" him, or let him go completely. I'm ready to take door #2 if necessary...I just hope he can change and realize door #1 isn't really an option for me. I'd rather have the curtain, Bob, that reveals a partnership and a relationship of communication and love.

*spins the wheel to see where it lands* Sad, huh? *sigh* That's how it all feels right now though. Completely nothing I can do about it, because I can't NOT care about him, where he is, or what he's doing/who he's doing it with. I can't NOT love him. He said its bordering obsession...I call it CARING about the person I love. I can't believe a man who is away more than he is home could possibly feel "smothered". If he does, clearly this isn't the relationship for him.

I can't take anymore really....I'm *THIS* close to a nervous breakdown if I'm not there already. I cry all the time. I'm miserable. After our talk today...either things will change, or they won't. Either way, I'm ready for what lies ahead. =/

Oh yeah...Happy Valentine's Day

I think I'm going out for the day...won't tell him where I'm going or when I'll be back. I've already packed a bag, so maybe I'll head out of town and just ... BE.

Happy Valentine's Day....yeah right. *sigh*

When your sanity hangs by a thread...

It's best not to pull too hard.
I'm at a complete loss. My husband, who is supposed to love me unconditionally, has decided he has a burning need for social interaction that is yet to be satisfied. When I last posted, we had a huge "discussion" about a lot of different things. He disclosed to me that I am "stifling him" and he thinks it's ridiculous that he can't have a friend of the female persuasion.
Last night, he went out with someone that he works with. And although I'm OK with him actually going to a movie with a girl that is a friend, he lied to me about a lot of the details. How am I supposed to trust him?

• Detail #1: He said he was probably not going to make the early show and would need to go to the 8pm one and he guessed he would work overtime to "fill the gap".
• Fact #1: He left work after a whopping 30 minutes of OT, and bought his tickets THE NIGHT BEFORE...he knew all along he was going to the later show.
• Detail #2: He gave me NO indication that he was going to dinner with this person(s) (I still don't know who he went with)
• Fact #2: He went to dinner RIGHT DOWN THE STREET from the house and didn't think to call me and let me know, or ask if I wanted to join them for dinner. (No, I don't want to see Friday the 13th, but dinner out with friends is always nice)
  Nevermind the fact that I'm left home to care for HIS daughter (by his ex, not MY kid) who is also diabetic and a royal pain in the a$$. She is spoiled rotten and he doesn't care about the stress THAT puts me in either.
• Now he says he didn't "LIE" since he said he MAY work overtime, never said he was going to. Yet he didn't bother to call me all day, or message me that plans changed etc. He led me to believe one thing then did another.
• Detail #3: He also just sold his RC car to a friend. Last I heard, he was thinking about it. Next thing I know...Ian's coming over to pick it up. No discussion about how much to sell it for, what payment arrangements had been made, etc. When I told him I wasn't happy about that, he said, "now I have to ask PERMISSION to sell my things??" I replied, "NO, but it *was* a financial decision that we should have made TOGETHER...just like the anniversary band (that I LOVE, it's a GORGEOUS ring) that I was considering selling. I talked to you about it, I didn't just go do it."
• Fact #3: I'm not supposed to "butt in" to "HIS business"
• Detail #4: I asked him yesterday for his monthly contribution to our financials ... a whopping $125/month this guy gives me ... I was told he wasn't sure if he had it, he has bills to pay.
• Fact #4: He supposedly has at least $100 put aside for me to frame a print he gave me for Christmas. It's still not framed, he hasn't given me the money. He told me to go do it and he'll pay me back. I'm sure he's hoping I'll do it cheaper than $100 and he can keep the difference...Merry Fucking Christmas to me huh? He also has money in savings and in his daughter's savings that he could have tapped into until he's paid again. Not to mention the fact that he literraly JUST SOLD his RC car to his friend so I know he has that money as well. "I didn't think about that" he told me when I asked him about that... Fact #4a: I asked him for my money, he HAD the means to give it to me, and he refused. Some partnership...
• Detail #5: He measures the "success" of a relationship by how much intercourse he gets to partake in.
• Fact #5: He actually got ANGRY at ME for not wanting to have sex with him the night my ex served me with papers about custody changes. Gee...I'm sorry, I'm a bit stressed and upset right now! Again, it's all about HIM and HIS needs...nevermind me or mine.
• Detail #6: I got REALLY messed up drunk one time at a happy hour (the one and ONLY time I drank to excess)...I was told that I called him to come pick me up I didn't think I could drive.
• Fact #6: He was already in bed and wouldn't come get me...I attempted to drive home and wrecked the car. Thank GOD it wasn't worse...
  

From the start, I ignored the fact that he puts everyone and everything aside to focus on only himself. I also ignored the "signs" that he cares very little about me and how much he's been using me.

When I need him, he's not there. When I need support and encouragement, he's elsewhere. When I need to discuss something, I can't even finish a sentence before he tries to twist things into being my fault for (ultimately) not giving him enough sex.
Now...while my sanity hangs by a thread, I'm at a loss about what to do. I still love him (I think???) and don't want this relationship to end. But, he's not going to change and I'm not sure that I even care anymore if he does or not. Which means, I guess, that I AM ready for the relationship to end, even if I don't WANT it to.

I'm tired of fighting all the time. I'm tired of dealing with his high maintenance daughter when he obviously doesn't want to. I'm tired of the stress and pressure it's putting on me and MY kids. I'm just tired.