So now we're in mid-March...

Things have been better at home.  HU is far more attentive than he's been in a very long time.  It's really nice.  I think he realized just how disconnected I felt and is trying to bring back that connection.  I'm thankful he cares enough to try...

I'm still trying to shut myself off a bit emotionally though, preparing myself for when he's away again.  I can't continue to be "overbearing" about how he's spending his time, or who he's spending it with.  He needs to learn to be more open and share things so that I don't feel out of the loop or "guessing" all the time...

For Christmas last year, I bought him tickets to a Cardinals/Brewers game for July - in Milwaulkee.  A trip I hoped we'd go on together, but it was really more of me trying to plan a trip HE would enjoy.  I also got tickets to the Harley Davidson museum there (it's supposed to be HUGE and phenomenal) and although I have NO interest in going, it COULD be interesting anyway.  SO...I planned this trip for him...for us.  But...now I really want him to go with a "motorcycle" friend instead.  To enjoy his time doing "guy things" with one of his guys is a far better gift that I can give him right now.  And I think I need to do this for me as well.

Don't get me wrong...I LOVE going on trips with him.  We always have a good time and the memories are essential to keeping us connected.  But this is one time I can say, he should do this with one of his friends to get the most out of it.  I bought the tickets for him for Christmas (intended for us) but a better gift would be to give to him to go with a friend.

Things have been SOOOOO crazy at work.  I'm snapping at Mom and Eric and Michelle like crazy, and apologizing just as much.  I don't mean to be crabby...it's just really stressful.  :(  Mom called me at work today to ask if I could do dinner on Sunday night instead of tomorrow for St. Patrick's Day.  I told her it should be fine, but I may have to work...she exclaimed, "WORK?? ON SUNDAY????" to which I snapped, "MOOOOM!  I have SO much to do and it's getting down to the wire here at work!  You KNOW I am working way more than ever right now!  Please don't react that way!" ... /sigh  Yesterday, the Project Manager was in tears completely frustrated with our IT department.  Stuff still isn't done/finalized and we go live with the new system in less than 2 months!  I'm trying to get material ready for next weeks' training sessions and the access to the system has been extremely limited this week.  Credit reports can't be pulled and the systems have been overwritten.  It's been an absolute mess and our IT department is completely incapable of handling the extent of what they need to right now. :(   My "off" time when not training is spent in meeting after meeting.  I had two clear days tomorrow and Friday except for one conference call Friday from 10:30-11:30...I've now got 3 other meetings scheduled and our Chairman of the Board came by asking me to create a bio for a retiring Board member that he wants to acknowledge at the Annual meeting in April on the 7th.  He'd like to have this by the end of the month, by the way...I'm training all next week and 3 of the 5 days the week after.  Guess I'll be working on that this weekend, too now...

All this is why they pay me the big bucks, right?!?!  >.<   LOLOLOL

I hope/pray this conversion goes well come May...


 

I've come to the conclusion that...

That the month of February just seems to always suck.

I seem to always be depressed this time of year and get into a "funk" initiated by HUs need to be selfish.

We had it out today and though I think maybe(?) he gets my frustration and anger about his newly acquired Harley Davidson and the manner in which the sale went down, I just feel like if he had to do it all over again even after our talk, he would.  He says he'll work on things, time will tell.

I am at the point where I feel like we've evolved and changed so much as a couple and not for the better.  He's off doing his thing...I'm left feeling like I should be doing ... something too.   We're just not on the same page about anything.  His circle of friends are his circle of friends.  And though I try to be involved and like them, many are just crude and obnoxious.  Not the kind of folks I want to spend my time with and I don't understand why he does.  Well...I do understand, because he's the same way.  I probably hurt his feelings today when I told him to grow up that he's not a teenage boy living in his mom's house, so stop acting like one when around his buds....but honestly, I'm tired of feeling like I married a boy who refuses to grow up.  Time to be a man - I need a MAN in my life.

I started doing more on my own a bit last year - while I had a good time out doing things more on my own, I was left feeling even more separated emotionally from my husband.  Not how I want things to be.  At all.

He's totally ok with it and thinks life's grand, though.  So...as long as he's happy, right?

I just don't think he'll change, and I can't just shut off my emotions - though it's getting easier to not care like I used to.

Time will tell how things go from here...

Getting better about updates, only 2 years' time elapsed this time!

More changes occurred in the last 2 years.

My grandson Matthew was born August 26, 2014 - and he's been an absolute JOY! I love him and all of his curiosity, growth, development and FUN! I knew being a grandparent would be fun, but nothing could have prepared me for just how much I love my "lil buddy"! :) Michelle and Brandon are great parents, I just wish they could get out on their own. Here are his 6 month and 1 year pictures <3

John is still attending St.Louis Community College and has at least one more semester I believe. In other news regarding John, he worked at Harry & David at the mall during the holidays and just recently passed some big test to become a judge for Magic The Gathering (card game) tournaments. He said there's only 10k people in the world that hold that status and he's now one of them. :)

Stephanie reached out to Eric in the last two years sporadically and now she has moved back to St Louis and lives with her boyfriend and his mom not far from our house. I hope things will improve with their relationship.

Work has been amazing. My boss retired in July 2015 and I was selected as the Director of Training to take her position when she left. She's now working part time for me training tellers while the other staff trainers and I gear up in training all staff on our new core processing system upgrade that will go live on May 2nd, 2016. This is HUGE. EVERYTHING we do touches our core processing system so EVERYTHING is changing. My boss is great, too. He leaves me to work autonomously yet supports me any way he can.

Eric has been busy traveling on his motorcycle and we have had some trips together the past year as well. He's now in the process of looking for yet a bigger/better motorcycle (has to have a Harley Davidson *eyeroll*) and I anticipate he'll be gone even more on his own. I don't ride motorcycles, and really wish he wouldn't, but it's his thing. I feel like I have no choice but to support this "hobby" of his, but I really hate when he's gone on these trips. It's dangerous, he does stupid things when around his friends, and I want to be experiencing things with him. It leaves me feeling really lonely and afraid, yet I have to let him do his thing as well. The compromise is WE do things together as well, it's not ALL about his trips with his motorcycle friends. Last year was a better balance of that - I took a trip on my own as well last year too - so it helps me that it's more balanced.

Last blog entry we were excited to take our first cruise. The following year, we took another cruise and enjoyed it just as much! Our Eastern Caribbean cruise took us to Princess Cays, St. Marten, St. Thomas, and Nassau, Bahamas. It was as amazing and fun as the first cruise we went on. :) We also took a trip in July 2015 to Carthage, MO to visit the Precious Moments Chapel and museum. Something I've always wanted to see/do, but never have, even though it's not too far from St Louis! On the way there, we stopped off at Cape Girardeau, took in a civil war museum in Carthage and then went on to Arkansas where we stayed in a lovely little cabin in the woods. :) We hiked, visited a civil war battlefield, and an art museum while in AR. It was one of the best trips we've had together! In October 2015, we went to Memphis, TN. Also another place we've both wanted to visit but never have. Again, we weren't disappointed. Spent time on historic Beale Street, visited the Rock n Soul museum, the Gibson guitar factory/museum, and historic Sun Studios. Really great BBQ near our hotel and another great BBQ meal at BB Kings on Beale St. :)

I visited my friend Angela in mid-October 2015 and we went to the Hamilton Pool in a little town near Austin, TX. We went to San Antonio and saw The Alamo, toured San Antonio (by ourselves with a tour guide) from a double-decker tour bus, and ate at a wonderful Mexican restaurant where I had THE BEST strawberry margarita ever! We also had a baked potato loaded as big as our heads with whatever BBQ and other stuff we wanted on it for lunch before we visited the Dallas Museum of Art - which was the true highlight of my visit (other than the company of course)! The DMA had an interactive "scavenger hunt" and "zombie apocalypse quest" which led us through the entire museum and gave us "points" for all things we did and saw. Spent the virtual points in the gift shop for some souvenir swag! SO MUCH FUN! I'd like to go back again this year...we'll see!

It's been a busy and FULL two years! Hope to keep this blog a bit more updated than every two years! LOL